~The Bed of Roses~

DAMN!

2006-10-04T02:27:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time now. I am not sure whether to blog here or in Friendster now. The boring part about Friendster is, you can't do much to the outlay

Oh well, I will have to dream it all tonight.

Toodles!

Interesting :)

2006-05-07T16:42:00.000+08:00

Hehehe, someone gave me this article about love in my Yahoo! Messenger today. It is all about LOVE... NO, NOT IN THE ASHLEE SIMPSON SENSE! THAT IS JUST STUPID!! AND ANNOYING!!
I think, I should just put it here :)
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life ...
You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostage. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you- and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. (my favourite quote from Sandman by Neil Gaiman!)
OUCH! This passage is from Neil Gaiman, the English-born American novelist, screenwriter and children’s book author.Love or shattered love both evoke strong emotions and reactions. Those who were young once can empathise with Gaiman’s spurned lover for surely, like most teenagers, they, too, went through such heartbreak.
It’s like this. When you are in love, nothing can go wrong. The freckles on your loved one’s face "add to her striking looks" and the wispy moustache on his face "makes him look macho".
But when love turns sour, the "freckles and all" bother you. When love goes bad, that wispy moustache, actually, makes him a wimp.
Strange thing, love. It’s understandable why Gaiman hates it so much.
Some time ago, Donny Osmond’s song Puppy Love was the favourite tune of many a teenager. Osmond mirrored the views of teenagers then — and now — when he sang that the elders don’t really understand.
And they called it puppy love
Oh, I guess
They’ll never know
How a young heart really feels
And why I love her so
And they called it puppy love
Just because we’rein our teens
Tell them all it isn’t fair
To take away my only dream
That is just part of it :D Read more in the link I gave earlier on.
Anyway, recently, I have been watching National Treasure and The Librarian. I realised one thing... I am an ADVENTURE NUT! XD I don't know why. But I feel like watching Indiana Jones! :D
More later!

New Outlay! I NEED IT!

2006-05-04T16:11:00.000+08:00

I NEED A NEW OUTLAY!

I NEED SOMETHING ORIGINAL!

ARGH!

It Breaks My Heart :(

2006-05-04T15:02:00.000+08:00

Maman and I spoke on the phone last night. He wanted me to listen to Iris by Awie. I told him honestly, that I wasn't interested but then, he insisted that I do.

"Iris" - Awie

Kau masih ku cintai, sungguh
Dari awal dulu hingga hari ini
Aku pasti seyakinnya pasti
Kau lah satu untuk ku

Kau masih Dewi hatiku, sungguh
Biar sejuta tahun hilang di hari
Usah gusar sayang usah ragu
Aku milikmu

(Korus)
Cinta ku jika kau tanya pada bintang
Gemilauan sinar tak kan hilang
Akan aku sinari duniamu
Moga terpadam sangsi mu oh

Cintaku jika kau lihat tingginya awan
Tak kan tercakar tinggi cintaku
Hanya hati ku tahu apa mahuku
Kan dunia ku pastinya milikmu
Hingga ke akhir hayatku

(Ulang korus)

Kau masih ku cintai, sungguh
Dari hari pertama kau ku nikahi
Aku pasti seyakinya pasti
Engkau milik ku

Hmmmm....... I am bored actually. I have been in PGX since I came online. I have been on MIRC since I got online. I am bored.

Gotta roll out now. BORED!

~The Return of Fireball 1988~

2006-05-02T21:30:00.000+08:00

I finally found a Mowe's blog. Well, beside those I already know :D Here it is...

Maxine's Blog

Anyway, I am just glad, I am apart of a big family. I have always known I had relatives outside the Malaysian boundaries.

My first memory was from dear Aunty Gerd from Norway.

The year was 1988... I was only 4 years old. And at that time we were living at Sunrise Park. At that time she was 68 years old. Because of her stay with us in that little house, I became very attached to her. The best memory of all was when she started nicknaming me *Fireball.

(*Fireball is the name of the Japanese guy in Saber Rider - some 1980s anime :D)

We shared the same room when Aunty Gerd came in 1988. Although, I was too young to remember but the only thing that I clearly remembered was, she was VERY LOVEABLE! Just like cousin Kjellan said, "She is a very loveable lady, you will love her." As a matter of fact, yes, I do love her. She is nice and gently.

YET..............................

When my Mum went to Norway a few years back with my Dad, my Mum came back with the most painful message ever, "Tell Fireball, I won't live long enough go back to Kuching..." That remark brought frustrations to me. I didn't know whether to cry or to just sit there like some empty soul. Everytime, I searched for Saber Rider on the internet, the thought of Aunty Gerd will come to mind.

However, this year (2006), the NEXT best thing came. I met Aunty Gerd's son, Kjellan and daughter, Solveig. My Mum organized what is the first in the world, a convention of family members from all over the world. It was called the Mowe Convention. We had relatives coming from Norway, Singapore, Australia, New Zealand and even West Malaysia to come for the convention. It was great big family gathering actually.

Now, at this convention, most of the Norweigens knew me as ONE NAME. Fireball. Then, it occured to me that Aunty Gerd had spoken a lot about me. Kjellan told me the same thing. I felt happy. But, at the same time, I was sad. I wanted so bad to see Aunty Gerd. Now, I realised, each time I see Kjellan, I cried because when I look at him, I think of her. Within that short number of days, we became close. Whenever I hugged Kjellan, I would cry. What made matters worst, was the promise we made. "Promise me when you go to Norway, you MUST see my mother." The smile on his face was pleasant. I felt warm and yes, tears rolled down my cheeks like it will never stop flowing. Half the time, I was speechless. But, all I knew, I felt warm inside.

How did our family expend to a global scale? Many thanks to our ancestor, Shaliong Mowe. Based on some research, Great great grandfather Shaliong, was the Rajah's butler. And how did we get family in Norway? Well, one of my great grandfather sailed on a boat to Norway. And during that 3 years at sea, he had children. We are so scattered that I believe we have other Mowes at other places. I wish I knew better of the Mowe history! But what I know for sure, great grandaunty Lucy had a bible with Lord Chambers' handwriting in it!

Seriously, now, I don't really know what to blog about. *lol* I am not being forgetful but then, I am being lazy! And when I do feel like blogging, there is always something that holds me down!

So, guess here I shall stop! :D

~Jezsiema~

Due to My Snoozing Brain

2006-05-02T20:18:00.000+08:00

I absolutely love this song. This is the chance to share it :D

COLD by CROSSFADE

Deep meaning. I am still looking for the perfect skin. I have been LAZY to make my own lately. I feel bored! DAMN BORED!

What The -?

2006-04-18T21:09:00.000+08:00

When I think of what I want to blog about.

Of all things...

I FORGET! -_-"

Gotta go now.

It's Been A While....?

2005-12-28T22:02:00.000+08:00

It's been a while. Hehe.

Oh well, what have I been doing? I have been super busy!

Bored to death and BLOGGERS blog.

~jezsiema~

Yet Another Cool Bro!

2005-10-14T10:40:00.000+08:00

Click here to his blog... HERE!

Hehe...

This is the one person who I always go to online when I am in a bad mood or when I am in a good mood. He always make me laugh. He NEVER fails at it, though!

He always have these weird things to talk about and I find it very entertaining. He is cool!

Gosh, I will need more time to blog about Nick. Hehe! Or Destiny!

I need to pack now.....

~Jezsiema

Lost?

2005-10-14T08:27:00.000+08:00

Promises? MEANT TO BE BROKEN!

This will be a shameless blog entry. Mbok Zizah... you are going to lose me again. And this time is on my own accord and... go figure!

But I don't know if she bothers. Why? I have a replacement! :) *what an insincere smile* Oh well. For the time being, I don't know and I seriously DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE.

HUARGH!!!

Hey, this goes for a song (or two)! :) Muehehehe!

PIECES
(Sum 41)

I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don't believe it makes me real
I'd thought it'd be easy
But no on believes me
I meant all the things that I said

If you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don't know how it got so bad
Sometimes it's so crazy that nothing could save me
But it's the only thing that I have

If you believe it’s in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn't worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It's hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along

If you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own

Heck, that lyrics! It is based on my life! Haha! Well, I think that is the way it all should be. Well, there is another one which has got some significance in my life.

Unstable
(Adema)

I wanted to know
Who you really are
I needed the chance
To stitch up my scars

I'm closer to you
Than I was in the start
So dive right in
And tear me apart

I'm trapped
And we can't get along
I thought that I was strong
We are so unstable

And then I'm strung out from your touch
But I won't give you up
We are so unstable

I wanted to learn
About the dark side of you
You bring me down
Like a bottle of pills I hate the way
That you make me feel
I keep coming back
I never get you

Heck! There I have it. I think I better log out now. I want to pack! I am kinda glad I am getting away from people who think that they are mature when they are not. They are at the same level as me.

Somehow, I may look defeated but I am NOT defeated... I did my sacrifice on my own accord. Some other people will sacrifice due to losing... Oh well... Don't give a shit...

Sayonara~!

~Jezsiema

~Of A Cool Brother~

2005-10-14T01:25:00.000+08:00

Hmm... Before the rantings about SPOILT BRATS... I was chatting with the coolest brother I had ever had!

He somehow opened my eyes which was watery with anger and hatred to a higher and mature level!

He was telling me to relax half the time I was ranting, bitching and whining over the whole mother fucking situation!

Then something this cool bro of mine told me which opened up my eyes and I wish would opened theirs! "You cannot satisfy a person's every needs!" Damn, it is true. Yes. Those words were the ONLY flicker of hope I have now. If a bitch like me can realise that... question is... why can't they?

Sad, ain't it? Gosh people, GROW UP! I wish I had the ability to show people that I am human. NOT A MIRACLE WHERE I CAN DO EVERYTHING! HELLO, I AM NOT PERFECT! ARE YOU?

Anyway, about this brother of mine, he is cool because he has a hell lot of experience in life. He has met all sort of stupid and intelligent characters. He knows how to go through, thus advicing me through his experiences. He did mention about different people, different within the heart. I honestly told him that I trusted him more than I trusted SOME people! WHICH IS TRUE BECAUSE I KNOW HE TELLS ME SO MANY THINGS I HAVE OVERLOOKED! He was trying to be positive but then with my violent moodswing... I don't think it was relevant. I can see.

(NOTE: I have been in a nasty violent mood also due to getting conquered by Japan (AT LAST!) after 4 months!)

This cool bro of mine well... just like me has a temper (as he himself confessed) but then, I am sure by being an older brother to me, he wants me to keep my head calm at all times. That is not being a hypocrite... that is being concerned... and I loved him for that reason. He taught me so many unexpected things about life and I learnt from that. He is so humane although I know he is misunderstood... to a certain extend... he reminds me of me... MISUNDERSTOOD... oh well, Bro... if you are reading this... thank you for the advice this evening. I really appreciate it. Yet, deep down inside of me... no matter how disappointed and angry I am with them, I pray that someday they will realise... I am only human and I cannot satisfy their EVERY needs...

Thank you, Bro...

~Jezsiema

SPOILT BRATS!

2005-10-13T21:29:00.000+08:00

I just realised... I am surrounded by SPOILT BRATS!

S P O I L T B R A T S !

Why i emphasize on SPOILT BRATS? Well, why?? WANT TO KNOW WHY? THIS IS BECAUSE PEOPLE NEVER FELT DISAPPOINTMENT IN THEIR ENTIRE LIVES! THESE ARE THE SORT OF PEOPLE WHO ALWAYS GET WHAT THEY WANT! WHAT THEY DESIRE! WHAT THEY YEARN! THEY GET! What is that?

THAT IS BEING A MOTHER FUCKING SPOILT BRAT!

WHY CAN'T SOME PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THE DIFFICULTY THAT I HAVE INSTEAD OF THINKING OF THEIR LEISURE? GOD DAMN IT! WHY AM I FATED WITH FRIENDS LIKE THOSE! AND TO THINK THE ONE PERSON I WOULDN'T EXPECT FROM IT IS ACTUALLY SHOWING HER TRUE SKIN. AH! THEY ONLY THINK OF THEIR OWN LEISURE! THEY DON'T THINK OF OTHER PEOPLE!

I HAD DONE MY MOTHER FUCKING SACRIFICE. I HAD DONE MY PART TO STEP DOWN. BUT, DID THEY APPRECIATE THAT BULLSHIT OF A FUCKING SACRIFICE?? NO!

~THEY. DID. NOT~

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE LIKE THAT! I STEP DOWN. TOLD THEM NOT TO GIVE UP AND THIS HAPPENS!

LIKE HOW GUTH SAID IT, "SHIT HAPPENS!" I WON'T BE SURPRISE SOME OF THESE PARTIES WOULD TELL MY OTHER FRIENDS TO ABANDON ME! GUTH SHOULDN'T BE THAT STUPID BECAUSE I KNOW HIM FOR A LONG TIME!

I HAVE TO ADMIT! AMONG ALMOST EVERYONE I GOT CLOSE TO, I THINK THEY ALMOST NEVER FELT DISAPPOINTMENT IN THEIR LIVES. Bang Tiqa told me today that one cannot satisfy everybody's need... I wish they would understand that bit of life... all they ever think was for their own satisfaction! But never consider other people's difficulty...

I hate it when I have to encounter people like this. And what is sadder still, I trust someone else rather than a relative! Sickening, eh?

Why can't people be more considerate? Why can't they take reasoning? Why can't they take rationality?

I don't know and I don't think I want to care. Ungrateful as they are, I know I did my part to sacrifice.

Yet, it wasn't very much appreciated. Some people don't realise that they make me more disappointed most of the time. Oh well. Life! What can be said or done about it? Spoilt brats!

I am getting to a point where I WANT TO GIVE UP EVERYTHING WITH THEM! I am fed up! Why can't they be more independent? I tend to feel rather pressured when I cannot satisfy people's happiness... they know this but they do that to me. The guilty feelings tend to kill me...

Deep inside of me... I wish they were not selfish... these spoilt brats are so self centred that they pisses me off! Someone said we were like kids... right... I think it should be the other way round. You are the kid, kiddo! Behaving selfish!

愚か!

Houston, I think we've got a problem! I've found more CHILDREN in my life... OH well... I think there is ENOUGH rants for tonight.

Oh God, may you open the eyes of these SPOILT CHILDREN... I wish they would come to realise their immaturity! I wish they would realise that SOMEDAY disappointment would SLAP THEM IN THEIR FACES! I think, I would rather be solitude now. I don't want to get involved with anyone of them anymore. I died. The old me died... I think the OLDER me had come back to life. The darker side of me. I think, if NO ONE do anything about it. That will be the end of it all. Currently, I am still feeling soft. I hope it won't be too late till I get harder at heart. Once I get there. I think even armageddon wouldn't happen!

This is my prayer and only a few people can read it. All the best, people!

我祈祷为他们的幸福和可以他们的心脏开放往失望。我祝愿和祈祷, 他们变得较不自私和更加依赖。他们那么发育未全地行动并且他们没看见它。反而, 他们把他们的手指指向我! Ya Allah, 听见我的祷告, 我祈祷您打开他们的心脏和教他们我从前举行在我的心脏为他们的失望。他们从未意识到, 他们辜负了我。他们从未意识到, 我感觉从他们的失望最坏。我要他们感觉最坏, 我有毛毡。至少教他们教训! 原谅他们的罪孽, ya Allah... 原谅我的往他们! 愿他们学会一两件事我的方式。

I think I have it for now. I hope that prayer will be granted. Just for the goodness of it all in as a lesson!

I am going to stand alone now. And wait... and see... WHO WILL LOOK FOR WHO!

On the bright side, A TRUE FRIEND of mine is coming back to Kuching next month! :) For 2 weeks, too! I think it will be worth it if I spend time with her rather than SOME people! Yeap, I GIVE UP ON SOME PEOPLE! No! I GAVE UP! I GAVE UP BIG TIME! Yet, as stupid as it sounds... There is STILL SOME HOPE!

FUCKING OFF NOW!

~Jezsiema~

PS- some PCs cannot accept other characters... so forgive me if you can't read my prayer!

blame the high-ness...

2005-10-09T21:01:00.000+08:00

Status: i'm a happy bunny...
Song: All The Love in The World - the Corrs
Loving: ^_-
Stuff:

;)

ohhh man. i'm high! ;) i'm just happy!!

why?

finally, i get to call Alee. it's been at least 3 months since i last spoke to her, but stupid telephone, kena cut off! pfft~ but it's good to hear her voice again!! sigh~ reminds me of the days when i will talk to her for 3 HOURS straight...instead of just 5 minutes. ;) i miss her a lot. i hvnt seen her for almost THREE YEARS!!! God knows how much i miss her... she's afterall, my bestfren since i went to school.. ;)

then i had a VERY fruitful 1/2 hr conversation on the phone with Jamie about... hahaha... our future homes, fruit juices, our miseries, our happiness, our dreams in owning every kitchenware in... get this right people... STAINLESS STEEL! oooh man! and yeap, that was the centre of our conversation... ;) and TEFAL is never too far from us!

NOTE: Dear *person who owns TEFAL*, please lower the prices of your goods! if you do that, Jamie and i will be your MOST loyal customer! thank you. sign, sharon. =D

and wat else? ohh.. the perfect bedroom, living room, KITCHEN AND toilet! lol... sigh, she's the only one i can talk to abt cooking stuff. hehehe... and yes, we both want that stainless steel cake mixer. last check, it cost $1000+! pleaseee... someone, make it come true! rofl~

but yeah... i miss both Alee and Jamie a lot...

anyway, that's part of it. the other part is... tomorrow's 10.10... and tomorrow, at 2pm (give and take lar...how can i be precisely sure?), well, it marks the 7th year i knew Addy!!! ahakz~ =D woah... can u believe it, 7 years?!

no... i don't like him anymore. but most probably when i see him when i go back, i'll get panic attack and tongue twisted and worse come worst, faint right in front of him! hahaha... nah~ that's just my cousin's imagination! =D he is, afterall, taken for good. hahah.. and i still got Ben Adams. =P that's my TRUE LOVE... at least for now! rofl~ but yeah... i'm looking forward to meeting everyone else though.

sigh~ i can't wait! my 'koko' and 'cheche'(s) from the 8:15am choir, the servers, my kindy partner-in-crime, my peers from GB and BB. well, all of them. i'm so gonna have fun! and yeap... i'll make Laura, Andrew, Griffith and hmm.. of course, how can i forget, my partner-in-crime! ;) too many of them to mention! lol~

but i'm not even going back yet... i've got practically the whole schedule planned. how boring is that? first day in Kuching, SHOPPING AT HOPOH AND INDIA STREET. 3rd Dec, Wedding dinner. 4th Dec, out with Ying (fingers cross). then... that week, i'll be moving about. Samarahan, Damai, Sri Aman (mayb?), Borneo Heights in Padawan, Serian... etc... AND finally, i get to indulge in ALL the GOOD food Kuching has got to offer. plus, where i'm gonna stay... they are surrounded with FOODSTALLS! how cool is that? and i just have got to Hui Sing Garden and eat the BEST taugeh mee, and go to Jln Tabuan for my favourite steamboat spot! it's so darn cheap!!!!!! =P

and of coz, the date i'm waiting for... 13.12!! ;) my BIG date!! rofl~

see how excited i am?! heheheh... i dun wanna come back on the 14th...:'( trying to pursuade my parents to let me stay until Christmas. ;) Christmas has always been a magical time, regardless where i am, anyway... but i miss the Christmas atmosphere in Kuching. with my cousins (liza, chen, koko wewek, dedek, cheche kristie, koko krisno..) and close frens (everyone of them) and grandma, aunts and uncles and nephews(CHRISTIANNNN!!!)! ;) sigh, i just miss them... =D but i'm going back again next year for my cousin's wedding! yeay!!!!! AND i'm getting another baby cousin next month!! wheee~ i can't wait!!!! =D that will make our family into a round figure of 50 people!! =D can't wait, can't wait.. and there's my house renovation to loook into. =P you are all invited to go over, once it's ready! =D

sorry, i'm just higghhhhh.. and excited for what is to come in the near future!! =D

i lapp you all! *wink*

and yes, you all lapp me too...! *double wink*

because you all just LAPP meeee!!!! *wink until eyes starts twitching*

=D

have fun, reading two posts in a day! =D

(i never EVER stick to ONLY ONE topic in a post... how bad is that?)

AH!

2005-10-06T22:56:00.000+08:00

FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT!

Yes, I am in a mother fucking bad mood!

As long as it is night time, I am always like this. No, not because of Maman. No. It is because I feel invisible! YES!! HELLO? CAN YOU FUCKING SEE ME??? IF YOU CAN LET ME KNOW A.S.A.P!

I think I want to retire from IRC. I AM SICK OF IT!

YOU READ ME FUCKNUT!!

I AM SICK OF IRC!!!

I am ALWAYS INVISIBLE!! SO WHAT? I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ANYWAY! IT IS NOT ME BREAKING ANY PROMISES!! AH!!

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! WHY SHOULD I BOTHER WHEN THEY DON'T SEE ME! SERIOUSLY, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYONE ANYMORE! ALL I KNOW, I WANT TO STAND WHERE I AM STANDING!

Honestly, I am giving myself until end of the year. If I don't heal from this sore feeling. I will forget my IRC life. I will only go online when I feel like it.

I want to start blogging again. I mean like how I used to. I waste less time. Hmm... I don't know why I feel this way? Is it because I finally realised what it is to be a grown up? Seriously, all I see is people provoking each other in the channels. It is sickening. But then, I am told to keep quiet. How can I shut my fucking noise hole up when all people do is provoking others for no reason? I am getting sick of people doing that to others. AH! It is painful because I have seen people doing that to me once. FOR NO FUCKING REASON PEOPLE PROVOKE ME! IT WAS ON IRC AS WELL!! THE FUCKING BASTARD AND HIS CRONIES! (YO, ASSHOLE, DO I LOOK LIKE I BLOODY CARE WHAT I CALL YOU? WHY IS IT BECAUSE OF ME BEING SO FUCKING STUBBORN YOU HATE ME??? FUCK OFF AND GROW UP! OH YEA, YOU TOLD ME ONCE TO GROW UP! THE TABLE'S TURNED ASSHOLE!! YOU GROW UP FUCKER!! YOU ARE THE FUCKER WHO HAD DRIVEN WHAT I THOUGHT MY HAPPINESS WAS! SHE WAS THE ONE PERSON I KNEW I COULD TRUST BUT YOU DROVE HER AWAY FROM ME! SHE IS NOT THE BITCH, YOU ARE, WHORE! YOU ARE THE BITCH!) But now, I think... I should retire from IRC. I am getting tired of it all...

I can get dark when I want to. I can cause homicide when I want to. I know who the fuck I am. SO DON'T EVER THINK ME AS A FUCKING PUSHOVER! DEAL WITH IT IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH ME!

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ANYWAY! WHO CARES ABOUT YOU?

I think it is time I 'introduced' myself. Well, I know that my nick, Gothique^Death shows brutality. But then... people see the softer side of me. They hadn't seen my nasty side. Don't make me do it because I play dirty when I want to.

BASTARD, YOU ARE LUCKY I DIDN'T PLAY DIRTY ONTO YOU! YOU ARE LUCKY AT SOME POINT I RESPECTED YOU BUT NOW, YOU ARE LIKE DIRT UNDERNEATH MY FEET!! QUIT BEING A BABY, ASSHOLE! GROW UP!! DON'T TELL ME TO GROW UP!! LOOK INTO THE MOTHER FUCKING MIRROR FIRST!! THEN YOU TELL PEOPLE WHAT TO DO!!!

~Jezsiema

BlogSkin? To Get Or To Make?

2005-10-05T20:51:00.000+08:00

Lately, I am kinda lazy to make my own skins now. As much as I have my own ideas but I am really lazy!

I think I will make my own when I am feeling when I am not in a lazy mode!

~Jezsiema

WELCOME BACK TO BLOGSPOT

2005-09-25T17:12:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since I blogged on BLOGSPOT! My Ripway account expired thus the site remain without pictures.

I don't really know what to blog about. I am still building a new outlay!

~Jezsiema

Out of Boredom

2005-08-12T15:00:00.000+08:00

Currently, where am I?

I am at Bang Judin's office at Matang with Landee... here to learn a trick or two on photography!

*sighs*

Oh well... I dont know what I am up to right now except the fact that I am using Bang Deha's laptop to blog. I am bored...

Damn it... Help me... I am bored...

Heheh!!

I cannot wait to use Maman's scooter anytime soon! Hehe!!

I may sound crazy but I want to get a scooter. I want to get a black one at the very least. No license? NOT A PROBLEM... I know how to use a scooter which is not much of a problem! Hehe! Oh well.

What I plan to do is to airbrush DEATH on the front part of the scooter. I want to give that scooter a Gothicky look! :) I am not sure what picture of her I want to use but I am sure I want to use DEATH! :)

Hehehe!!

But, I LOVE THIS ONE!!... If I were to get JUST her face, it would have been better! If it was just the face... it would have been better... MUCH better.

I think I better stop now. Running out of ideas of what to type now... kinda brain dead!!

UWAAAAA!!!~~

~Jezsiema

Haunting

2005-08-11T13:08:00.000+08:00

Incomplete
(Backstreet Boys)

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can’t find no rest
Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It’s written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

I don’t mean to drag it on,
But I can’t seem to let you go
I don’t wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Incomplete

This song have been haunting me for over the past few days!!

As for today it's been Imcomplete by the Backstreet Boys and Disappear by Hoobastank!! What the fuck is wrong with me???

Disappear
(Hoobastank)

There's a pain that sleeps inside
It sleeps with just one eye
And awakens the moment that you leave
Though I try to look away
The pain it still remains
Only leaving when you're next to me

Do you know that everytime you're near
Everybody else seems far away?
So can you come and make them disappear?
Make them disappear and we can stay

So I stand and look around
Distracted by the sounds
Of everyone and everything I see
And I search through every face
Without a single trace
Of the person
The person that I need

Do you know that everytime you're near
Everybody else seems far away?
So can you come and make them disappear?
Make them disappear and we can stay

Can you make them disappear?
Make them disappear

There's a pain that sleeps inside
It sleeps with just one eye
And awakens the moment that you leave
Gonna search through every face
Without a single trace
Of the person
The person that I need

Do you know that everytime you're near
Everybody else seems far away?
So can you come and make them disappear?
Make them disappear and we can stay

GOD!! I hate it when songs like these starts haunting me!! It is painful especially what had happened recently...

I think I got to go now...

Going out! Then off to class!!

I dont know but my heart is painful...

iiiiii3uo3wos Gu!ss!w Jo= =73shw 3+vH !

FUCK IT!!

~Jezsiema

Back from Missing In Action~

2005-08-09T09:44:00.000+08:00

I have been missing from Blogspot for so long! Hehe!

I don't think I have the ideas to type here... When I do, I am NOT in front of a computer!

Anyway, I have been busy from blogspot because I am often stuck in www.pgx.com.my... Too many interesting things in there...

I have been posting all my point of views in the forums and I have learnt a hell lot of things! But of course there have been a few bitching and whining in the forums! I hate it... it is like they are looking and craving for attention!

I realised... I am not who I used to be. PGX DID CHANGE ME SOMEHOW OR RATHER!!

Anyway, to those interested or curious to know what PGX is...

Log on to; www.pgx.com.my

Register and then sign in!

Simple!

To collect points...

Post plenty of replies!

Oh yea, let me tell you...

There are plenty of activities held by PGX!

Come join us!

:)

~Jezsiema~

Ice Berg (as written in PGX)

2005-07-10T21:24:00.000+08:00

Heck, you must have thought of an ice berg~

Well, simple titles often bring BIG meanings... I opened the news paper today when I went to cut my mane~ And I saw a magnificent picture of an ice berg. Okay, where on Earth am I getting at? Hmm... think about it... JUST a thought~!

Just recently a "traitor" got into trouble~ and what I don't want is because of that person getting into trouble a few innocent people get into trouble because of her~!

How does an ICE BERG come to the picture?

SIMPLE

I can't always be there for any of the Eacanrianz since I have a typical Chinese mother. So, I receive news from other Eacanrianz~!

Get the picture?

No? Hmm...

Okay, if you see the FULL photograph of an ice berg, as in under and over the water, you notice something, right? The top is small and the bottom is this HUGE chunk of ice~! News from another individual to another is almost like that... how and why?

How? : Simple. The news you get from another is always like a headline. You might and might not know what is the news you may hear~! Get is? Until you go deeper into the news.

Why? : Look at the picture to know~! You shall get the picture~! ;) See? The top is what we see. We think it is small but when you go deeper into the water, you get a HUGE chunk of ice.

Life. Enough said. So, who says LIFE AIN'T INTERESTING? ;) Whoever think that life is not interesting is really... and I do mean, stupid! Know why? Simple, he or she does not believe in the power and the wonder God have for us~! :)

~Jezsiema

Tell Me Something I Don't Know

2005-07-03T11:01:00.000+08:00

"Do I Look Like I Bloody Care?"

Well, I happened to be in one of my wacky moods and I was the only one who was aware that Ijan was taking a picture of the few of us there!

Anaz : Hmm... what is that over there?
Landee (to Niza) : Why are you not drinking your coke, Sis?
Niza (to Landee) : Huh? Oh, looking at that couple over there!
Jaja : Got a problem? Oh well, FUCK YOU!!!!!!

Rude picture, I know but well, to those who are narrow-minded, that's your problem, not mine! Hahaha! Hey, I have a good song! HAHAHA!!!

Bitch
(Meredith Brooks)

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

CHORUS
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

CHORUS

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

CHORUS

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Hehehe... I like the chorus bit! Seriously, I much prefer to call myself a bitch rather than having someone calling me one! Hey, even if someone calls me one, I don't mind! HECK, I AM A BITCH! HAHAHA!

Anyway, I was at the market this morning... and I noticed something when we went to the Chinese shop for breakfast.

I am from a Malay family and there we were sitting down there eating the Chinese mee with chopstick. Outside was the contrary! Haha! Outside was a Chinese family eating Mee Jawa and satay from the little stall within the shop we were at! It's amazing.

I realised that somehow, amongst us, there are still some narrow minded racist! It is sad. I just don't want to talk about it since there are still too many of them. But hello? We all come from a community where there are all sort of creeds and races.

End the topic here first.

Humanity, as smart as they think they are, actually we are all stupid! HAHAHA! God! Help us! HAHAHA! Oh yes, OH YES! I would like to include this quote...

The person calling another a hypocrite is actually jealous of the person he or she calls a hypocrite and is actually the bigger hypocrite~!

Muahahaha! Heck, that is the truth but to be honest with all, we all have an amount of hypocrisy within us. Some of us want the best for others by telling them NOT to do something but we, ourselves are doing the things that shouldn't be done! For instance, I have a friend who smokes and the thing is, she herself is smoking! Well, that is a good thing because she knows it is a bad addiction and is trying to tell her friend NOT TO SMOKE! Well, there is a contrary as well! :)

Everything has its contrary! :) That is life. It is normal!

Hehehe... currently listening to Slash playing the Godfather's Love Theme! Haha! It's amazing!

Think I got to stop here... looking for interesting pictures... Witchblade, Lady Death... anything to do with Graphic Novels! :)

~Jezsiema

Thoughts...

2005-07-01T23:13:00.000+08:00

Life is full of it.

Beauty. Ugliness.

Is it normal to be angsty?

Is it normal to hate?

And to be hated?

Is it normal to feel loved?

Or appreciated?

Or to love?

All the answers to my questions... YES.

It is all normal. I mean, in life. Without these feelings, life is... empty. Yes, we all have our ups and downs. It is a matter on how a person handle it.

Anyway, I've got a good song to add here!

Everybody Hurts
(REM)

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.
Sometimes everything is wrong.
Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.
Everybody hurts.
Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts.
Don't throw your hand.
Oh, no.
Don't throw your hand.
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone.
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries.
And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes.
So, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on.

Nice song... :) Love the lyrics!

~Jezsiema

Random Thoughts~

2005-06-30T19:28:00.000+08:00

I noticed, lately, I hadn't been blogging. I have been neglecting blogging. I think it is because I am too busy with other activities. Hmm.

So many things have been crossing my mind lately. I realised that some people are plain stupid by being slaves to people who think that they are the most perfect of all human beings! Oh dear. Sickening, eh? "SOME" people don't realise that they are the ones craving for attention when they accuse another for love of attention. Sad. Oh well. Life, right? ;)

Anyway, I was thinking about Death lately. No. Not Death of the Endless. I was thinking more about her role. Yes. The actual thing. Death.

Death is not ugly when you think positive about it. I mean, seriously, if one were to think that Death is ugly, for all eternity a person would be afraid of Death. My views of Death changed after reading Neil Gaiman's Sandman. Neil Gaiman made Death such a nice and less scary person... he made her a beautiful Goth girl who quotes MARY POPPINS! Somehow that chanced me alot. READING THAT GRAPHIC NOVEL alone changed me alot.

I don't know how it affect me so much but I learnt ALOT from Sandman. Haha. Oh well. Life. ;)

~Jezsiema

Wahey!!

2005-06-22T09:22:00.000+08:00

Which Member of the Endless Are You?

You are most like Death of the Endless. Humanity's
attitude toward Deaths gift is strange. They
fear the sunless lands. It is as natural to
die as it is to be born. But they fear her.
Dread her. Feebly they try to placate her.
They do not love her.

Which of the Endless are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Death! You are cheerful and pleasant, but
you have a deeper meaning. You are optimistic,
and can irritate people by this. However, you
can also be firm and thoughtful.

Which Sandman Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You Are: Death of the Endless

You are Death, the second oldest of the Endless,
the seven great incarnations.
She is, in outward appearance, a goth with wild
unkempt hair and slightly punkish clothes. But
she is far beyond that mere description. Her
function is much like the "Reaper,"
to collect the souls of mortals as they die.

She is perky, optimistic, and bright, but she also
has a serious side, which shows when she is
angry or upset. She can become quite frustrated
with her brother, when he is being singularly
foolish.

People fear her because of what she is, and this
can get her down sometimes. But they also love
her, without ever truly knowing why.

What Sandman Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Death- charming, little crazy and likeable. The
divider of the living from all that has come
before, and all that must come after.

Your best friend from Sandman
brought to you by Quizilla

Hehehe... DEATH! I AM ALL DEATH!!

~Jezsiema

Little Some Things ;)

2005-06-17T12:19:00.000+08:00

I was reading Neil Gaiman's Death: The Time of Your Life and I came across an interesting dialouge between Death and Hazel (the lesbian mother).

Hazel : Why do we hurt? Why do we die? Why isn't life good all the time? Why isn't it fair?

And Death's answer was simple.

Death: The answers don't really mean anything-- They aren't stupid questions but they could just as well be "When is purple?" or "Why does Thursday?"

Then, Hazel didn't understand too much.

Death: I think some of it is probably contrast. Light and shadow. If you never had the bad times, how would you know you had the good times? But some of it is just: if you're going to be human, then there are a whole load of things that come with it. Eyes, a heart, days and life. It's the moments that illuminate it, though. The times you don't see when you're having them. They make the rest of it matter.

People ALWAYS say that comics or graphic novels teach us nothing but hell, I can prove them wrong!! A lot of quotes I got from Sandman has its truth.

I was private messaging a PGX-ian, Kak Ain (rahimi) and she and I had a good talk about the literature lovers soul. People misunderstand us. I agree. People think we exaggerate. I think that they are UNIMAGINATIVE AND HAS NO SOUL TO APPRECIATE ART.

Huehuehue.... I know I am evil... DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE? NO!

Hey, I don't mind people bad mouthing me because I can say, if they bullshit about a person up to them. An individual can ALWAYS PROVE ANOTHER WRONG!! HAHAHA!

I got to go now.

~Jezsiema

Being High or Inspontaneously Honest?

2005-06-15T17:21:00.000+08:00

"It is a fool prerogative to utter truths that no one else will speak." (Dream, Sandman)

I was have a solo conversation with myself in the channel. I was feeling delirious. I was bored. The channel was too quiet. So I had a conversation alone. And it occured to me that all I saw in someone was a big fat lie. Haha. These are the few things I spoke about.

i know... but i dont give a shit to what they say! so what? it is NOT my problem.... they misunderstand me is because they only see one side of me...

they think i am weak.. they think they are powerful by talking or criticising someone else but heck, fuck them... hahaha... dont give a shit... i mean seriously, if you are going to bother what people say might as well die...

Think about it.

~Jezsiema

Surprises Can Cause Heart Attacks

2005-06-14T19:15:00.000+08:00

That taught me a lesson today when I went into PGX Virtual Community as usual... I don't know how it happened because when it happened. It just happens!

But all I did was went to see the links and saw blogs. However, I opened it and saw... -_-" The rest is to remain a secret.

Bang Teqa, if you are reading this... thanks! :) I will enjoy my stay in PGX Virtual Community!! Hehe...

However, to access to PGX Virtual Community, you need to register. Currently, the Community is under some maintainence so it will be wise to check it out through this link instead as it is actually the direct link... ekeke... PGX... "We Do Not Exist, We Are Everywhere"

Hey, from my experience... it is pretty addictive once you get the hang of it... =)

Need some rest now... I sense a fever coming by.

~Jezsiema

On Racism

2005-06-12T20:16:00.000+08:00

"Don't let racial differences keep people apart." - Cho Hakkai (Gensomaden Saiyuki)

A black man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him.

The white man said,

"Colored people are not allowed here."

The black man turned around and stood up.

He then said:
"When I was born I was black,"
"When I grew up I was black,"
"When I'm sick I'm black,"
"When I go in the sun I'm black,"
"When I'm cold I'm black,"
"When I die I'll be black."
"But you sir..."
"When you're born you're pink,"
"When you grow up you're white,"
"When you're sick, you're green,"
"When you go in the sun you turn red,"
"When you're cold you turn blue,"
"And when you die you turn purple."
"And you have the nerve to call me colored!!!"

The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...

Yes, children, what have we learnt from this story? Haha. *teacher mode OFF*

I have to agree. Hehehe... Oh well.

~Jezsiema

Stuff...

2005-06-12T16:37:00.000+08:00

"True freedom maybe having somewhere to return to." - Genjo Sanzo (Gensomaden Saiyuki)

Today. Wait. Yesterday... was the autoshow at the stadium. Nothing much unfortunately. But hoping that today would have something more yet... disappointment conquered all. The only nice cars I saw and liked there was the lime green Toyota Ceres (or Marino) owned by Hamdan and the orange Nissan Silvia 180z!

Met Guthrie and Menau today. They are still together apparently! Do I hear wedding bells? Oh well... DO NOT TALK ABOUT MARRIAGES. I am getting sick of it all! SERIOUSLY!

CARS! Yeah, I have the picture of me in the Supra! Behold! =)

Jaja in a Toyota Supra

The owner of the car. And fuck, what was I doing with my tee? O.o?

Hehehe... MEMORIES! =) My next car target would be the Skyline GTR-34 of course! LOL. I am obsessed, aren't I?

Anyway, I have something to ponder about...

I realised that SOME people are jealous of my relationship with anyone. Not only jealous, they don't see things on the other side of the coin.

See, some people misunderstand the people I am close with and some of those who I am close with misunderstand everyone else EXCEPT he or himself. (I mean he as all human kind not a particular person!)

Wasting my time thinking about such crap! LOL! Blawdy hell... I have a story I want to write. I think it will be a little 'Gothicky'. It was inspired by Moonlight Shadow by Cats Steven and by reading too much Sandman and Hellblazer and listening to too much Foolish Games by Jewel!

Here is a QUICK review with what I have written so far! I know I am sick. Don't blame me. Don't hate me. Don't take me lightly. You are the one who needs help. At least I am still stuck in my own realm. Delirium, take me whole! LOL. I am getting delirious. This is bad. I am eaten by my own vengeance and hatred. Hehe. Hold on.

SPECIAL PREVIEW
She stood in the rain looking like a fool. The man she once loved had died before her eyes. She saw the murderer's fface. He had a scar across his face. His bloodshot eyes shoot right at her. The silhouette of the murderer was not to be seen. She looked at him as he pointed his gun at her. She felt like killing him herself. Vengeance filled her heart. She screamed and he stopped dead. Everything stopped. She looked around. She did a black canary. All was silent. All was dead. Nothing moved.

She smiled like a maniac and reached for the murderer's gun. His eyes moved but his body remained still. She sensed some fear in him. She smiled maliciously as she pointed the gun back at him. The tables turned. She snapped her finger and time moved again.

"Yes, you killed my lover, I shall kill you." she said.

The killer looked at her with fear in his eyes. She pulled the trigger. He dropped dead. Blood splattered all over and onto her face.

to be continued...

So far, how? :) Oh well. I am bored. Sickeningly bored. However, there is a nice quote I got from Gensomaden Saiyuki... "You should go where you want to go." -Genjo Sanzo. Sanzo ALWAYS say the nice stuff. Deep. Nice.

Gosh, my mind is getting blurry. I am getting sleepy. Hehe. That rhymes. Anyway, the other day when I was in KL... Morris sms-ed me AGAIN... asking me if I was still single... AGAIN. I told the truth. But still REJECTED him with quote wars. I gave him the Sandman quote I loved most... the one about making choices. He kept on with trying a relationship with him. NO WAY! Haha. I have an ego, dear. If it is the last thing I want is a Bidayuh playboy for a boyfriend!

Hehe.

Oh well, he is NOT the only one tackling me now. Oh God... too many... I am standing my grounds. I am not going anywhere but with the decisions I shall make on my own. NO ONE CAN MAKE CHOICES for me. Well, except, honestly, my parents. They should know better. Just don't end up killing their daughters, it is okay. Seriously.

But if it means sacrifices for loved ones, I am willing.

Anyway, reminding me of blood. Serena is upset at me and said, if she goes to Kuching she is taking me to a psychiatrist. Hehe. I don't need one, girl. Seriously. I am just being... Goth. Nothing wrong. No harm done. Hehe.

N O
B L A W D Y
H A R M
D O N E !

God, Serena, you should be more worried about yourself than being worried about me. Don't want you to end up like me. The hypocrite that I can be. I worry about others but I don't worry about myself. Sickening, eh?

Hey, got to stop now. My brain is malfunctioning.

Damn, my hopes on meeting Richard the Bustard under the Lil Bustard crew was busted. Haha. Oh God. I didn't see him. What would he think if he knew I was friends with the Scooter Attack crew and the PGX crew?

I still cannot believe that I am PGX Online Community's Literal Master... only 3 of us got the status! Hehe. Cool. Thank you Bang Teqa =)

~Jezsiema...

I must have slipped my mind!

2005-06-12T10:23:00.000+08:00

I forgot. In the PGX Community, I am Literal Master... with 5 stars, too.

An achievement? Hell yes.

~Jezsiema

Friendship and Humanity

2005-06-12T09:54:00.000+08:00

"Who are your friends, who are your enemies? It's not something you can tell
others. And it's definitely not something others decide for you. It's something
you decided for yourself." -Genjo Sanzo (Gensomaden Saiyuki)

I have to agree with what Sanzo say. It IS something you decide for yourself but then, when I saw something... well, hah, what do I see?

H Y P O C R I T E S

See me BOLD it and EXPAND the size. Why am I talking about hypocrites? Well, they are the people who realise other people's mistakes CHRONICALLY but DO NOT REALISE THEIR OWN. Yes, that is true. We are all hypocrites but to a certain extend. But those calling another a hypocrite is actually the bigger hypocrite.

Hello?

I know who my real friends are! How? Not only they stick by me through the bad times, NO MATTER HOW MUCH WRONG I HAD MADE, THEY ARE STILL IN GRATITUDE TO WHAT I HAVE DONE FOR THEM UNLIKE SOME UNGRATEFUL BEAST! My true friends are the people who support me and tell me what is right but they do not FORBID me for being me. My true friends are people who comfort me when I need comforting. UNLIKE, SOME PEOPLE... Seriously, now, THOSE UNGRATEFUL PEOPLE ARE the fair-weathered friend. It is sickening to know people like this exist.

First you help them, waste some money, respect them and blind their mistakes from your eyes. Later, SUDDENLY, like a struck of lightning, they turn their mother fucking back on you and then act cold towards you. What the fuck? Well, the sadder part is, they are of the same RELIGION!

Sick, huh?

Look, it gets worst! They preach but practice NOTHING from that preaching. See? The tables are turned. Sad, eh? The world is round. There is ALWAYS a way to get someone back.

Where friendship is concerned, I am a mother fucking pushover. Yeah, when it comes to me, it is easy to say, "Step aside!" and then push me over. I am a sucker where friendship is concerned. I hate it.

Only yesterday, I messaged to a 'friend'... "You know I trust you, (name). And you know how I hate myself for putting my trust in a person so easily." And what was the reply that came back? A simple... ":)"

Is it a good sign? I don't know. Seriously, I don't want to know. That 'friend' of mine is a friend to someone well... not worth anyone's time or labour! Oh well, PEOPLE.

Like Dream of the Endless says, "Ohh. Humanity, I love you. You never cease to amaze me."

Honestly, I should learn ONE thing. I should learn how to hate. If all I do is love, then love would consume me. Love is like a parasite. No. LOVE IS A PARASITE. I found a quote I wrote last year when I was lying on my bed. I have these sticky notes on my wall and the one that caught my eye was, "The worst feeling in the world is to fall in love then fall back out again."

But life... as dull as it is... it is entirely up to an individual to think it up. NO ONE can make a decision for anyone. Another quote comes to mind... "Sometimes we choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all." and "We make choices. No one else can live our lives for us. And we must confront and accept the consequences of our actions." Both of which I got from Neil Gaiman's Sandman!

Who says Graphic Novels are for kids? Look at how DEEP the meaning of the quotes!!

Anyway... people... have different perspective of many things. That makes us all special. We all have our own talents and weaknesses. People need to learn to respect that but then some people are too busy discriminating others by their faults that those criticisizing DOES NOT REALISE his or her own faults.

Bah. Humans.

Stupid. Smart. Naive. Mature.

W H A T E V E R !

But what I hate most is a preacher who craves the power preaching something good but he or she himself or herself DOES NOT follow what he or she preaches. Sick, eh? SICKENING... *barfs*

Life. Dull. Interesting. All the same. Life... it is entirely up to the individual. Yes. No one else. Life. Interesting but lame. Life. Carve it to your liking. Like me? I carved it to my own liking. I express freely. Least to know I am not a hypocrite when I write about something, right? UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE...

Bit the chilli? Felt the spiciness? Think I was blogging about you? That's entirely your problem. Not mine. Anyway, *in a sarcastic manner* did I hurt your poor pitiful soul? Poor you... NOT!

I can be a bitch if I want to and when I need to. Deal with it.

Think you know me? Think again. NEVER EVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER. I can be a bigger hypocrite than THAT PERSON if THAT PERSON want to know. Think I am insane? I am getting there.

When I think about it, I may end up a serial killer rather than a lawyer!

~Jezsiema

PS = due to a person's extreme hypocrisy, well, that person did collect a few "BLIND" followers...
PSS = this blog for the first time was editted from my Friendster blog...

Muehehe...

2005-06-09T09:38:00.000+08:00

Waaa... This is bad... Ehhehe... :P

You have a Purple Lightsaber.

Purple is associated with wisdom, dignity,
independence, creativity, mystery, and magic.
Purple denotes high spirituality and religious
aspiration. Purple also represents Peacefulness
and Purification. It also has a sense of
intuitive understanding and a feeling of
intimacy with the world.

What Colored Lightsaber Would You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

If I were to have the lightsaber mine would be purple? ^_- Hehe...

Got to go now.

Nuril's turn :P Since SOME people hogged onto the computer since yesterday! HUH!!

INCONSIDERATION~!?

Hehe...

~Jezsiema

Oh yeah 1 - Nuril's lightsaber is purple, too... -_-"
Oh yeah 2 - Embok Fariah's is red... erkk...

Marriages...

2005-06-02T09:49:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, it was Dzilwana's wedding day! Hmm.

Just imagine. She is my ex-classmate. She is only 21. I think will be 21 in December. It makes you wonder, who else during my batch is married?

When I think about it... being married at a young age is scary. But the problem is, marriages is a beautiful fantasy!

Yet...

GOD! I will only blog the feeling of being married after I get married which is almost impossible! HAHA!

Anyway, speaking of which, this brings me back to yesterday's story!

Why Abah said what he said...

At least one of you MUST marry a Wan or Syed. If not, you lost everything!

Well, we are of a clan where we take our heritage with lots of pride. We are a clan where we want to keep our names and our heritage. Thus, inner family marriages. Distance cousins marrying cousins. Uncles marrying distant nieces. Gosh. The confusion will happen when the married pair eventually trackback their family tree. They could be related closely or as far as possible! The most basic of all in our clan is, in my case, I am an Al-Edruse, all of us are RELATED! There is no buts to it. We are all related. That is the most basic thing about being a Sharifah or a Wan or a Syed...

There are some of us who are still traditional. They still want to keep the name. They still want to keep the pride. I know, Abah is that way. After the "... one of you MUST marry a Wan or Syed..." talk last night. The thing about Abah is, he doesn't show it until he cannot hold it much longer in his chest. I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry last night.

Seriously...

When I think about it, I think between Nuril and I, one of us will be matchmade! I don't know and I don't want to know.

Hey, I am only 21! I want to think about my studies first. But then, those thoughts disturbs me. Not much but it is still rather disturbing.

I think, I think too much. More later? Probably... Hmm... But, if I do marry a Wan or Syed... hmm...

*rolls on the floor laughing*

~Jezsiema

Expectations? Hmm...

2005-06-02T01:44:00.000+08:00

Oh. My. God.

I think I am getting to the point where I should remain the way I am. What I mean is right... S.I.N.G.L.E.

Yes. I meant it PERFECTLY.

Abah was at it AGAIN. I don't know how many times this year Nuril and I went through the conversation.

And... Again, Nuril and I kept silent -_-"

It happened during dinner at The Fishball Shop at Padungan (it IS halal, don't worry. I saw the sign and halal certificate there...) and I told Mummy I was going to meet a few friends in KL. Then it honestly involved Abang Alem. The conversation went...

ME: Mummy, I can meet 2 friends in Putrajaya. One ex-Thomian and Embok Zizah. And one person in KL.
MUMMY: Oh. Who is the person you can meet in KL?
ME: (kind of nervous) Anak Ustaz Wan Zain staying at Kampung Haji Mataim. (anak - child of)
MUMMY: I know the mother. She's a very nice person. You are friends with the son or the daughter?
ME: (gets extra nervous) Erm... the son, Mummy.
MUMMY: (grinning) Aaa... the mother would be happy to know that you are friends with the son.
ME: (gets all figgity on the stool and Nuril ) Errm...
ABAH: (as he look into the Bahasa Sarawak word notebook) At least one of you MUST marry a Wan or Syed. If not, you lost everything!

Hmm... And from the tone of Abah's voice. He sounded quite... well... depending on Nuril and I. Again, Abah spoke of it. Again I felt quite well... upset. I am sure Abah is expecting a Wan or a Syed for a son-in-law. Gosh. Nuril, we matchmake you with a Syed or Wan! Haha!

Think I am going to try Max Payne now. I better not think too much about what happened at the Fishball Shop. Hmm... I will blog about why Abah say such thing later when I am in the mood to do so! -_-"

~Jezsiema

In this mind...

2005-06-01T17:20:00.000+08:00

The guy who loves you, can't tell you the reason why he loves you. He only knows that, in his eyes, you are the only one.

The guy who loves you, actually, always make you mad, but he does not know what stupid thing he did, as everything he's done, is for your own good.

The guy who loves you, seldom praises you, but in his heart, you are the best, only he knows it.

The guy who loves you, will scold or complain if you didn't reply his message but others, because he cares.

The guy who loves you, only drop his tears in front of you and when you try to wipe his tears, you are touching his heart, the heart which beats for you.

The guy who loves you, will remember every word you said, even if it was an accident. And he will use the word always at the nick of time.

The guy who loves you, will not give any promise that easily, because they don't want to break the promise, they want you to believe him and they want to give you the happiest and safest life ever after.

The guy who loves you, always tell you not to think too much, because he already plan it for you, he want to give you the best life in the future, he wants to give you a surprise, believe him that he can do it.

The guy who loves you, may can't remember special occasion like somekind of anniversary, but, he does know that, every second he lives, he's loving you, no matter what day is today.

The guy who loves you, won't say " i love you" that easily, because everything he's done for you is showing that he loves you already, but only he will tell the word at the special situation, because he doesn't want you to misunderstand, he wants you to know that he loves you.

The guy who really loves you, will feel that, sometimes, some things must be told only once, because he thought that you might understand him, if talk so much, he will feel that theres nothing you will cherish.

The guy who loves you, will go to airport to fetch you, he won't carry a bunch a rose and call you darling like what you expect. But he will carry your luggage and asks you "why are you look thin within two days?" with a sincere heart.

The boy who loves you, will listen quietly to you, when you are mad, and when you finished, he will say, you still have class tomorrow, sleep early. With smile.

The boy who loves you, don't know that whether he should call you when you are angry, but he will sent a message to you after few hours, if you ask him why he call that late, he will said, when you are angry, my explanation are all rubbish. But when you calm down, my explanation will only really works.

The boy who loves you, always call you little girl, but everytime he want to make a big decision, he will first want to hear your advice.

The guy who love you, don't like little toy like teddy bear, but he will always put the bear you gift him at his bed.

The guy who love you, while quarelling, he will apologize uncontrollably, althought you are the one who's wrong, and later, he will sent a message to you with "baby, actually you know its your fault, you know it urself".

The guy who love you, while really miss you, he will want to buy a bunch of rose and wait you stupidly under your apartment. But he never knows, what he bought is daisy, but doesn't matter, because in his heart, that's roses.

The guy who love you, seldom said sweet words, but you know, his kisses already transfer his all passion to you.

The guy who love you, if he can't always see you, he will try to make himself busy, for not to have any time to remember you, because he knew, if he did, he will keep on missing you until he could do nothing.

Honestly, the meaning is lovely but the English is like shit.

~Jezsiema...

The Sarawakian Dialect

2005-05-31T00:09:00.000+08:00

"Learn and love the language of your motherland..."
-anonymous-

This blog will content some Bahasa Sarawak... so bare with me! Haha! Earlier this evening, Abah, Mummy and I were compiling Bahasa Sarawak words! Well, we went to Tok Yak's house as well and that is how it all started. I think. Kinda headachy now so I can't think too much. Well, I realised that Bahasa Sarawak is a beautiful and refine language but the ONLY problem is... we, the younger ones are destroying this refine language with rough swear words.

Anyway...

Bahasa Sarawak is actually a very gentle and refine language. It is also interesting to learn a native language.

BUT... yes, there is a but... sad, eh? BUT...

The language is slowly dying off... Sad but true. How is it dying off? Well, there was one Sunday when the whole family when to Wanniey Food Centre at Satok and this waiter came to our table. So, Abah asked for his Kopi O... and this waited had the bloody cheek to asked, "Kita' mok kopi o lam cawan ka?". Abah was quite annoyed and he said, "Sik maok makei cawan. Aku makey cangkir..." The guy serving us got to be thinking "What is the difference?" (judging from his face) Basically, what Abah wanted is the same but the dialect is different. The dialect... the word is slowly dying. I noticed NOT many people use words like cangkir, tapak, ngelejik, etc.

The Sarawakian dialect has a WIDE variety as I learnt earlier. Different areas has different way of spelling and pronounciation but the usage is basically the same. I am talking about Bahasa Melayu Sarawak NOT the other languages in Sarawak like Bahasa Iban, Melanau, Bidayuh and so forth. For insteads, the word ngtigai... it means stubborn... in certain areas... if I am right, in the rural areas it is pronounced as ngtigai... but in the urban areas it is pronounced as ngtigal. See how interesting the language can get?

May I continue to type in Bahasa Sarawak? Well, the dialect is more or less like Bahasa Melayu only it is more refine. And the intonation is very soothing.

Kacak sik bahasa Sarawak tok? Sedap jak tinga nak nengar orang klakar Sarawak tok. Nya sik kasar gilak. Tapi masalah nya kinek tok nembiak kinek tok sik brapa gilak klakar Sarawak. Perkataan kdak 'tergeley geley' sik di tauk agik. Pelik ndak? Sik lamak gik pupus lah Bahasa Sarawak tok. Bilakah, ada kamek klakar ngan Mail, member mek dari Muara Tebas, kamek makey word tergeler geler leput ati nya netak! Ya rabi, eh! Adakah kita ditetak nya tegal makey word ya. Bila di tanyak, "El, kitak sik tauk ka reti tergeler geler?" Napa di jawab nya? "Sik tauk mek, Ja!" YA RABI HEH!! Kamek apa gik, terkejut lah. Haha. Sapa sik terkejut? Yah. Hehe.

Okay, I don't know what else to say. But all I know that the language is disappearing. Oh well. I think I will blog more later. Haha

~Jezsiema

Rants? Think about it~!

2005-05-27T23:06:00.000+08:00

"I feel the heat from these 4 candles burning as I'm staring out the window. In solitude I look at life from different angles. I'm opening up my heart with honesty, Let`s avoid the hated and hatred, Let's remain thankful with what we have, Let's avoid all lies and sins..." - Abang Man's topic in #lovesick... READ IT AND THINK ABOUT IT...

The Elders came to the house. They came to discuss about Ami Sharkawi. Not going into detail but that is all I can say now. Well, that is the business of the Elders. Not the Younger Generations! But when I look at the Elders, I recall my childhood... ESPECIALLY when I see Nek Usu! I used to hate going to see her when I was a child. She would hug and kiss me like there is no tomorrow. The best thing about it all... I would scream my heart out!! I hated it so much. She was rough. Really... but now, when she does it, somehow, welll, it is not that I really like it. I learnt one thing. It is a sign of affection! Haha. Nek Udak. When I look at her, I think of Mak Nek's picture in the reading room! It pains me to know that I hardly knew my own grandmother. Nek Udak is the ONLY person who can remind me of Mak Nek. I don't want to speak of the Elders now. Not much in the mood to do so.

Speaking of something I never spoke of before.

Talents.

Somebody just told me I was multi-talented. Hell no.

I. Am. Not.

All I know is I am talented in getting myself into deep shit! I always screw up when I can. I hate myself for that particular reason. People think I have a lot of talent. Some of it is writing. Some of it is singing. Some of it is acting. Whatever it is, the ONLY talent I see I really have is the ability to screw up and get into deep shit. I tend to have a low self-esteem of myself. Is it because I know myself too well? I don't know but all I know is I lack self-esteem.

"Ja, setiap kali aku maca hasil ko, nait bulu roma aku..." (Ja, whenever I read whatever that is written by you, the hair of my body stands!) said Adeeb told me. Is that a compliment or an insult? Then I asked him why did he give such statement. He said, "One, it was good and two you can feel the emotion in the poem!" I nearly cried of happiness. I don't know. When it comes to writing, it all comes in natural. When I write... I follow my mood and my emotions... But many of my friends describe my poems to have a little Gothic side. And I did ask Adeeb and he said, "Ja, you understood the meaning of death. The reason why people say that your poems are dark and Gothic is because you talk about a lot of things like you fear nothing." Hell, I fear a lot of things! Sometimes, I even fear myself. I hate it. I wish I wasn't as dark hearted as I am now. I wish I was like everyone else. I wish... I know the meaning of a normal inner self. The thing is, I am NOT normal. I look normal but inside. I am not. Inside there is a war against myself. It is sad. I hate it. I didn't wish for it but when it happens. It just happens. It is sickening! I don't know but seriously, now, I don't give a damn!

Forget being talented. I want to talk about something which I need to talk about. My best friend! Seryna. Well, from the looks of her sms, she seems somewhat pressured. I am kind of worried about her. She is such a workaholic. She overworks in Curtin! And its been too many times since she had broken down! If anything happens to her, I WILL NOT FORGIVE CURTIN FOR TAKING MY BEST FRIEND FROM ME! It is like, she is doing all the dirty job! I NEVER hear her telling me that she is relaxing. All I hear from her is she telling me is doing this and that. I don't like hearing news from her saying she is overworked and all stressed out due to her assignments and so forth! JEEZ!!!!

Well, in life... I meet a lot of people. Some of them which happened to be honest and some of which happened to be a hypocrite! Well... the hypocrites are those who preach a different thing but when it comes to action... it is an entirely different shit. I mean, you cannot go around telling people what to do or how to do something when you yourself tend to act like some immature git. I hate people like that. They accuse you of being the hypocrite when in actual fact it is the other way round. I hate that sort of person. It is sickening.

When I think about it. I may be only 21 but I am more mature than people older than me. How and in what sense? Well, I know how to respect people eventhough that person is younger than me. I know how to forgive a person from his or her mistake. I know how to act when I say something. I don't act like a hypocrite when it comes to actions. When my heart tell me to do something, I do it. When it is wrong, I analyse it and then see the consequences. Most of all, I know people have feelings. I tend to consider people's feelings when they don't ever consider mine. It is sick! Inconsiderate. What is worst, the person who is older than you acts CHILDISH towards these sort of things. I hate it when the person I think who is mature than me acts childishly. I really hate it. I don't get it. They act two-faced. One moment they are preaching the other they are acting like a child yearning for a pacifier. That is the sickening part about it. DON'T BOTHER PREACHING WHEN YOU YOURSELF DON'T REALISE ANYTHING! I hate people who claim to hate hypocrites when they are the hypocrite! As for me, my hypocrisy is only due to my emotions. I hate it when people who are so much older than me proves themselves to be nothing more than childishly stupid or naive! HYPOCRITE! Gosh. I don't want to say anymore about it. It makes me sick recalling it. I am only 21 but I think I am more mature than I may look. I can be stupid sometimes but I know everything has a limit. But some people has no limit for stupidity and immaturity! Damn! I just don't understand humanity but like Dream says it, "Ohh. Humanity, I love you. You never cease to amaze me." I have so much in my mind now. I don't know where to start but that is life. LIFE IS THE WAY IT IS! I wish more people would respect other people. The older ones often think that the younger ones MUST respect them but when I think about it, as I think about it, WHY SHOULD WE RESPECT OLDER PEOPLE WHO DOESN'T RESPECT US BACK IN RETURN? It takes two to make a clap! Don't they get it? The world is round. The older one can fall on their knees and the younger one can help that person out. The older ones don't realise... the younger ones are the ones who MAYBE ABLE to teach them a thing or two later! I wish egos of these the older people can be reduced. SOMEDAY, by some miracle... the older ones may look for the younger ones for advice or help. IT WILL HAPPEN. It's happened before. It shall and will happen again. It is a matter of the beast which we call E-G-O! HELLO! REDUCE THAT EGO LEVEL! LEARN TO ACCEPT! DON'T EXPECT US TO ACCEPT YOUR CRITICISM ALONE. I think about this matter, only Abang Man and Apis know. Please remain so. I am not going to remind anyone of anything but I will wait for him to REALISE it.

I think I am done ranting! Haha! Got to roll...

Oh yeah, apparently, Gothique Death has made a grand entry into the PGX world! Haha!

Thanks for bringing me in Landee! :D And about my poems. Wow. People seem intrigue with my poems! HAHAHA!

~Jezsiema

reDAMNtion

2005-05-25T01:05:00.000+08:00

I noticed this poem was written in a way that it could be read and written into a story. Hello! It is a BALLAD and you know what a ballad is? Well, a ballad is basically a poem telling a story! So here it is... reDAMNtion...

When all seems to appear the way it appears, Darkness often over rule it all, No light, no brightness, Just darkness; Alone I sat in the cave of loneliness, Yearning, praying and hoping, Been staying in the dark for too long, Though in the dark, I can see my tears of red, I have been shedding tears for too long, The taste of my blood I could taste in my mouth, My heart beats like the beating drum, Causing my chest to feel so much pain, I hated everything around me, I hated everything about myself and my loneliness... You came along by the cave one day, You heard someone sobbing, You entered the cave and found, Me sitting down on the rock crying, You could not see my face, You could only hear me sob and you called out, I did nothing but weep, I did nothing but shed more tears, But you were kind enough to touch my shoulders, And tell me that it was going to be alright, I took your words but I didn't trust you... YET... You took my hand and took me out of the cave, I saw the light and my eyes couldn't take it, But you taught me to see in the brightness, You encouraged me telling me the light was my friend now, I took your words and that was when I learnt one thing to do, Trust... I started believing and trusting, It felt like I wasn't alone anymore, You gave me hope and spirit in living, Your hand touching mine made me feel wanted, I thought I would never shed anymore tears again, Alas one day I went astray, I got lost in a swarm of madness and hatred, People all around me discriminate others, People all around me wearing a mask behind their evil face, I got lost within by trusting their lies, Then you came along again and pulled me out, You we were angry at me for going astray, You gave me words which were harsh but then you told me one thing, You did it because only you didn't want me to be hurt... Somehow, Unlike God's perfect creature, I did the same mistake again and this time it was fatal, You never came for me, You saw me but you left me alone, I knew I made that fatale mistake, I fell into the pit of darkness and felt so much hate, I hated myself and I tried to hate you, But I couldn't, It was hard for me to know what is hatred to someone, I knew myself then, I took the fall and it was a willing one, too, It was a mistake, I knew I had to make it up again but from where I see it, It was almost impossible, I decided to give up but with a will in my heart, To move on again someday, A will NOT to repeat the same mistakes ever again, A will to live... Alone even if it means forever... As long as I am the only one hurting, I don't care if I am the only one hurting, I just don't want others to hurt...

Yeah... that is my poem/short story. Hey, BALLAD~!

I think I am done for now. Kinda blur. Later~!

~Jezsiema

Thoughts...

2005-05-22T12:11:00.000+08:00

I may drop the current issues now. It is too much hustle to include current issues. Welcome to reality~!

I AM FWEE!! FWEE I TELL YOU!! FWEE TO BLOG!! :D Read on...

Last night was the Demak/DNC Staff Dinner at Merdeka Palace! Did I have fun? OF COURSE I DID! Hello! With people like James, Baboon, Eric, Ah Hock, Sepul (Uncle Sulaiman's son), Abang Ahim, Yassin, Abang Adi, Udin (he was so cute last night!), Mail, Joe, Asgar, Pjal, Bob and all the others there are bound to be endless laughters! Things got weirder when James and I started hanging out after dinner! Haha! The karaoke-ing sessions were fun! AND UDIN SANG! WAA!! Hehe! I even took a picture with JOE! Oh my God... Joe had a crush on me since last year. Since Merdeka last year! Sometimes, I feel insecure when I am with him around in public LET ALONE, WHEN IT IS JUST HIM AND ME! That is why I always make sure Faizal, Mail, Udin or whoever is around!

Last night... of the staff dinner... hehe... I DIDN'T SING! Woo hoo! Although they did say they wanted to hear me sing last night! :P I wanted to but they didn't have the songs I wanted to sing last night. Haha! Last year, I sang Seasons in the Sun! Hehe. This year, I was hoping to find something by Evanescence and do a duet with someone. Haha. Asgar maybe? Haha! Sing Bring Me To Life. Hehe. UDIN MAYBE! Hehehe! Nah, not Udin. But last night, Kusai wanted a duet with me. He wanted to sing a P. Ramlee song. Haha! :) Gosh, last night was fun! Really. It was funny as well.

Lucky draw... I like the part where they noticed Eric's number. Eric was still busy stealing pencils and eating desserts at the same time. "Four two. 42!" Abang Ali called out. I looked at James, Sepul and Baboon... "Eh, bukan nombor Eric ya ka?" (Eh, isn't that Eric's number?) And a minute later it hit me. "ERIC!! NOMBOR KITAK YA!!" (Eric, your number!) He showed me a blank look! "ERIC! YOU GOT THE PRIZE!!" Then he looked all childishly excited. Haha! Eric... Eric... :D He got a barbeque set. So, what did I tell him? Me and my bloody cheek! HAHA! "Eric, lak kita bbq blakang Service Centre!" (Eric, in the future let's have a bbq behind the Service Centre). Haha. And he was like, "YEAH!!" Hehehe! Eric... well, the tallest person in the Service Centre... very happy-go-lucky. I wish I was like him. I mean, okay, we all do have problems but I wish I could be like him. He tend to take things easy and happily. He is ALWAYS smiling... I wish I was like him. Junai on the other hand... well, he is almost like me. When he is not happy, he will show it. The Service Centre guys are the only people I can get along with VERY well! :) They make me happy and I try to make them happy as well. Between us there, we share a lot of our thoughts and insanity. And Sepul, welcome to the Demak Service Centre family! :) I am sure you will have lots of fun in the Service Centre. The people there are insane! :D Hehe.

The factory guys... well, Bob and I are close friends again! :) After what happened between him and I last year. I would say, of all my factory friends, Bob is a good friend. (Cute friend would be Udin! Hehehe!) Why do I say that Bob is a good friend. Well, he is the ONE person who tries getting my attention when I was ignoring him. Meaning, he was trying not to lose the friendship between him and me. Bob, thanks for being a good friend throughout the hard and easy times. Actually, I hated Bob for what he did to Chung. And why I hated what he did is no longer what is on my mind. Meaning, I forgotten all about it! Indirectly, Bob is a good person to get to know. I mean, he may have some bad sides but he is okay. I think basically, I feel good because I kept my promise with Bob. Yeah, the CD. He had been asking me about it for quite sometime and last night, I remembered to give it to him! Groove Coverage... the Covergirl album. To think I don't really listen to trance! HAHAHA! :P But well, crazy things people tend to do! HAHAHA! :P Oh well. Some of the other guys there that I like talking to is Mail, Udin, Kusai and a few others. Asgar is also interesting. Faizal, too! :D Hehe... but I prefer the Service Centre company. They are fun! :) They ALWAYS make me smile. :D

Behind the Service Centre... Victoria Cafe... ehehe... Teh C Peng Special!! :D And the keropok! Wa!!! *drools* Hehe. Don't ask what happened. That happened to be my latest current addiction. Haha. Everytime I step into Victoria Cafe, the Tauke there will know what to get me! Haha! AND I BLAME BABOON! He brought me there to drink after so long of not hanging out there! Luckily the Tauke still remember me! Hehe! Lalala... :P

Last night as well, NO WINE, NO BEER! Hehe. Okay, drop the beer. NO WINE! Hehe. No wine. NO WINE!! Even if they had wine, I don't think it was safe even for me! Why? Hehe... there are some people there who DOES not expect me to do such crap around there, okay? What do you expect from the person who drank Root Beer and Sahip mixed together! Hehe! Yet, I didn't get drunk. I don't get drunk! HAHAHA!! I don't want to know what will I do if I do get drunk! Haha! Sick! Haha! Hmm... when was the last time I drank alcopop? Hmm... a month ago, I think. Hehe. Klampai... Hahaha... *drunk but sober* Sickening! Haha! Okay, I may need to resist temptation! :D

Udin... he is cute. Just cute. I have to admit. Hehe. Not handsome but cute! :) Hey, I am entitled of my own opinion, right? :)

Last night also, my phone didn't stop making noise. Sms-es, phone calls et cetera! The best is from Azrie! Hehe...

SPEAKING OF AZRIE!!! WOO HOO!! I GOT A DATE IN KL! EHEHE! Eh? I will have to contact him first! Hehe. Azrie!! Haha! My so-called scandal! Haha! I remembered that SOMEONE hated him because Azrie flirted a lot with me!! :) Haha! Anyway, speaking of Azrie, yes, I miss him! Haha! I will not forget the last time we went out when he came back to Kuching! Gosh, if you want to know... he is THE ONE AND ONLY West Malaysian who talks bad about the West Malaysians!! Hehe. Sounds crazy? Azrie is fun to be with sometimes... When we went out the other day, we went all the way to Serian and back! Haha! See how far we went! Wonder when is he coming back here. But nevermind, if I do end up in KL, I will meet him! :D The last time I went, we were supposed to meet but, we didn't. :( Hmm... However... Now, I am going to stick around with the sign on my forehead saying, "SINGLE BUT NOT AVAILABLE"! I don't want to think about it anymore. Too much hurt. Too much pain. I hate it. Really, I do.

~Love is the slowest form of suicide~

I have to agree with that little quote. It is a slow form of suicide. Love can kill a person. I've heard of so many cases where people try killing themselves for love. Not sacrifices... No... killing themselves because of the pain of love. I don't want to be one of those stupid fools. But NOTHING can beat the quote by Rose Walker in Sandman. I have to definitely agree with her. It is sad for her when I finally read the comic. She called someone up... her boyfriend and she intended on phone sex. But the bastard spoke to her rudely. Who doesn't feel hurt?

WHO DOESN'T FEEL HURT WHEN SOMEONE YOU LOVE SUDDENLY TALK TO YOU TO RUDELY AND HARSHLY? WHO DOESN'T FEEL LIKE DYING WHEN THE PERSON YOU TRULY CARE FOR SPEAKS TO YOU LIKE YOU ARE NOTHING TO HIM? THAT IS SICKENING. IT IS WORST WHEN BEFORE THERE WERE A LOT OF SWEET TALKING AND CARESSNESS IN THE CONVERSATIONS! IT IS SICKENING. OF COURSE, A PERSON WOULD FEEL OFFENDED! IT IS SAD. It is sad that when the person you really love and care for suddenly turn his or her back on you. It is sad. I hate it. Well, we all do, right? It is sad. I have no more to say about this but all I can say is... I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DO THIS TO OTHERS AND ME! DON'T THEY EVEN FEEL IT? OR ARE THEY THAT BLAWDY HEARTLESS? It is worst when you've helped that person with all your heart and soul. No gratitude at all. I just couldn't be bothered anymore. It may hurt but I couldn't be bothered. Not anymore. I had enough. I really don't like people who shows NO GRATITUDE. Oh well. L-I-F-E~! No one respects anyone else anymore. Oh yes, especially if you are YOUNGER than the person. Sad, eh?

Sometimes, I love being the youngest of something but sometimes I hate being the youngest as well~! It is weird. Being the youngest either you are pampered by the older ones OR they don't take you seriously. I know, I don't talk sense all the time but then doesn't mean you can push me over and not take me seriously. Sometimes the older people don't take us younger ones seriously. They tend to think that the younger ones are stupid! I don't get it. Why the ego of a person can cause a lot of disturbance?

Oh. My. God...................~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am getting a headache but there is so much to blab about~! Bloody hell~! Sometimes, I hate being 21. I hate being me. I hate everything about me! But at the same time, I thank God for every waking moment. Jeez... I have some of the friends I need. The great family I come from. I know, I have issues with myself.

Oh God... Adeeb just sms-ed me. HE CALLED ME PRINCESS AGAIN!!!! Hehe. Which reminds me, I need to learn my Bahasa Klasik AGAIN~! Hehe. Must remember... A royal address him/herself to a subject as BETA. A subject to his or her royalty would be PATIK. It's been almost a year now since I studied Bahasa Melayu. Hehe. Form 6 was the LAST time I studied Bahasa Melayu! Hehe. Now, everything is in English! Hehe! Oh well. *sighs*

Okay, now, more and more people are calling me Putri! NO!! Della is starting! Adeeb told her about my name. -______-" Jeez... JEEZ!! ADEEB!! Udah gik... if I hear Timang calling me Putri, I am so going to commit arson in UiTM Samarahan. No. I rescue Aishah first. Then I burn the building down! HAHAHA!! *evil laughter*

Oh. My. God!!

Did you know that a West Malaysian girl made a porn video in UiTM Samarahan? OH SHIT! WHAT A BITCH! What more? A Malay girl! BITCH!! She and her boyfriend. The sad thing is she is so pretty! And... when I saw it from (name)'s phone... I was shocked. It was a 2 minute thing. Thank God I didn't want to go to UiTM. If I did, I think I would have been embarassed. People know about it. When I saw it from my friend's phone, I was cursing the whole time. I was at the point of getting angry. I was embarassed! Such action is giving a university a bad name!! If I were a UiTM student, I won't want to befriend her. What is worst, she is a JUNIOR! Good God...! How did they get the video I wonder. Hmm... Gosh... Oh. My. God. Where is the shame? Hello? Arrm, if you want to have sex. No. I am in a harsh mood. If you want to fuck, please DO NOT RECORD IT ON VIDEO! Husband and wife as well... no... recording sexual activities is a big no-no. It is private. Sex is supposed to be private. NOT UNLESS YOU ARE A PORNSTAR!! HAHA! Like Gauge? XD Don't ask how I know about Gauge... or that Jenna person! GOD! OH GOD! *rolls on the floor laughing* The other day, Abang Syah left his pc on. I was curious. He went to toilet. And I saw the names! WAA!! HAHAHAHA! Whoops... Hehehehehe.................. Lalala............................. :P Oh yeah, it was a porn yellowpage, too! HAHAHAHAHA!! Ekeke...

Oh God. One secret out! HAHAHA! Oh well, it is good to be honest. Right? :)

Azrie just called. Spoke for 7 minutes. Haha! There was so many interval breaks in the process of this blog! Haha! Oh well, as I said earlier on. I miss Azrie! Haha! But he is too young! Haha! Hey, he may look young but the thing is he looks 24! Haha! :P Okay, enough of Azrie! :D Hehe! Oh God, I sound so boy crazy! But heck, these guys are my friends!

Haha. Well, this thought came into my mind earlier on. It is funny on how people who you DON'T EXPECT to respect you RESPECTS and are grateful for your existence! Last night. I saw it all in the Demak family! When Mail saw me he was like, "Ja, ada kitak tek! Pikir kamek kitak sik datang!" (Ja, you came! I thought you were not coming!) And gracefully I answered, "El, kita kawan. Sik lah kamek lupak ngak kitak orang semua nak? Kamek dah janji kamek akan datang. Sik lah kamek mungkir janji ya nak?" (El, we're friends. You know I won't forget all of you, right? I promised I'd make it. I won't break the promise, right?) I saw in his eyes were spark of happiness and he replied, "Ya best kitak, Ja. Kitak sik sombong." (That is the nice part of you, Ja. You are not snobbish.). Everyone who knew me we smiling away. Udin also called me. "Ja! Siney tuju kitak lamak sik jumpa?" (Ja, where have you been for so long?) I asked, "Rindu ka, Udin?" (You miss me, Udin?) He smiled and said yes. I was feeling nice last night. I felt somewhat appreciated. I wished Abang Syah was around though. *sighs* The whole time, I was with James and Sepul. Haha. We were all separated but then we got together at the back of the hall! Haha!

Overall, I did enjoy myself last night. It will be the Staff Dinner I will fail to forget! :D I will ALWAYS remember that night. Hopefully the next one will be fun! :) And hopefully, the next one, I will sing! Haha! I am sure the people in DNC or Demak would like that. Hey, I am the ONLY person who held the title for being the Song Cat! Since St. Thomas' days I held the title.
"Sharifah is a song cat!" - Tim at Pueh Youth Camp during our Prefects Training in 2003! Haha! I will not forget the Hot Chair, Cold Chair game. Haha! Most of my characteristics were COLD! Haha! I am good then! XD Right. I have my bad sides, too, you know! Gosh, I miss the old days where everything seem to be not much of a problem! Haha! The Prefectorial Board of St. Thomas'. The bumiputra guys were the group of people I could ALWAYS count on when I needed to talk! I miss them all! My Bro Tim! Thomas! Aleathea! Azemi! Ahh!! THE GANG!! :)

Eh, I just noticed. Most of my gang are guys! Hehe! Hey, that doesn't make me boy crazy! Someone once told me. I think it was Adeeb! He said, "Ja, you are a boy trapped in a girl's body! But you have the instinct and desire of a girl!" When I think about it. It maybe true! HAHA! ^_^ Ekeke. I have this attitude... but I am still well, 'graceful'? Hahaha! Now, since Adeeb started calling me a princess, I might as well behave more ladylike! Jee... Hahaha! Actually, the other day when the whole Princess thing came about... hehe... I told him, "Adeeb, if you need to know, I am the MOST UNPRINCESSY person ever!" And he said in a calm manner, "You can be a Rock Princess? A Goth Princess? Like Ella... QUEEN OF ROCK! Rugged what!!" I was like, "WHAT THE -?" Then I laughed madly. Adeeb. He is one person whom I can depend on for laughs. Although we look like we hate each other (due to the way we speak to each other), we are the duo NO ONE would expect to encounter. We bully each other like mad and well, we are always making fun of each other and other things! As much as we 'hate' each other, but we're good friends! Adeeb, it was fun knowing you! Haha! You are ALWAYS making me laugh my heart out like there were NO PROBLEMS in the world! You're a true friend! Aishah and I are both happy to know you! Haha! ALTHOUGH WE ARE YOUR BULLY ITEMS!! HAHAHAHA!! Yet, it was cool knowing you.

There were absolutely no regrets going to St. Thomas' Secondary School for Form 6! I did well for Form 6. Haha! I passed all my papers and got really satisfied. I am glad I went through Form 6! :) I was active. I was respected. I was loved and I was hated. But I dare say, I was a traitor. A prefect traitor. I was often siding the outlaws in school. When they brought prohibited items to school, I would take it and then in the afternoon, I would return it! :P That made some of the boys liked me. Haha! I mean, they know they will get their stuff back and eventually I will warn them not to bring it again. I was more of a sister than a prefect to these boys. For instance, Suresh. He was the MOST difficult person in St. Thomas! But I managed to tackle my problem with him. All he needed was respect. What I did to handle him was to talk to him nicely and treat him nicely. Treat him like how I treat another human. The others thinking of his bad side treats him like a criminal. He was just misunderstood. That is how I got my reputation with 5 Arts 4 2003. :) The only prefect daring enough to go duty in that class. When I think about it all... They ALWAYS assign me to the difficult classes and gates. Haha. Terrence knew my capability apparently. Humanity NEVER cease to amaze me. I hate humanity as much as I love humanity.

Well, misconception of human beings are often misunderstood! I hate it. I really do! Many people just don't realise that other people have feelings so they don't consider it. They only consider their own! ONLY THEY HAVE FEELINGS! ONLY THEY CAN FEEL ANGER! ONLY THEY CAN FEEL SAD! ONLY THEY CAN FEEL DISCRIMINATED! WHAT IS THAT? I WOULD SAY THAT THAT IS BEING SELFISH! THEY FORGET ABOUT OTHERS. THEY DON'T WANT OTHERS TO FEEL HAPPINESS. I MEAN, THEY DON'T FEEL HAPPY WHEN OTHERS ARE HAPPY! As for me. I am happy when others are happy. I don't mind being sad on my own. I don't want people to really fuss over me. It is a bloody waste of time if people did fuss over me for small matter! Also, the misconception of MOST HUMAN BEINGS!! They only see the bad side of people and judge them there but NEVER see the good side of a person! SICKENING!

Gosh, I blogged quite alot in a short period of time! Haha! Despite all the breaks on the phone! HAHA!

Time is running out now. I got to go. Later~!!

~Jezsiema

Deep Within My Thought and More...

2005-05-19T15:31:00.000+08:00

Not much in the mood to put in my current issues. Sorry. Current issues unavailable.

It is funny how people can change their attitudes towards something or someone. It is really sickening. Today I was comparing St. Mary's and St. Thomas. When I was a Marian, I thought the Thomians are wussies! Then when I stepped into St. Thomas' ground. I felt different about St. Thomas! Today, I was comparing the road sides. St. Thomas' is ALWAYS clear whereas St. Mary's is ALWAYS congested! But, considering the bad experience I had to endure in St. Mary's. So, it was just me being bias! Who cares? St. Mary's don't give a shit about me so why should I bother? Stupid!

Well, perspective to a place is not all that painful. It is painful from the person to another. It is sickening that if a person who ALWAYS help out and hang out SUDDENLY turn his or her back on you. No matter how you apologise he or she will ignore you or insult you. I don't give a damn! Hey, this is the reason why I love the Demak people. They tend to appreciate me for me. Not because of their Big Boss. No. James told me something I will NEVER forget... "Ja, aku berkawan ngan kau bukan tegal kau anak Boss. Tapi aku ikhlas. Sidak Baboon, Voon, Eric pun sama. Mun sidak kawan ngan kau tegal kau anak Boss. Sik ada sidak kakar gila-gila ngan kau.Pikir kau menar-menar." (Ja, I befriend you not because you are the Boss' daughter. But I was honest. Baboon, Voon, Eric all the same. If they befriend you because you are the Boss' daughter. No way they talk funny with you. Think about it.) When James told me this. I felt the punch in my chest. I know James. He is the very straight to the point type. I got scolded by him even for the SLIGHTEST mistakes. I respect James for that. The guys at the Demak Service Centre are cool. They tend to get excited when I come by to say hello. And like Baboon (yeah, got engaged, did not tell me! HUH!!) when I go by, and then after a few minutes when I say I got to go, his first questions would be, "Awal na ko balit, Ja! Ko baruk jak sampei!" (Going back so early, Ja! You just arrived!) Hehe. So, I have to give all weird kinds of reason! So, the past few days since I have been meeting them, they seem to greet me with smiling faces! Today! I came in late and Baboon said playfully and sarcastically, "Awal juak kau, Ja! Mok molah sigek punchcard ko ya!" (So early, Ja! Got to make one punchcard for you!) Hehe. You didn't see how I giggled my life away! It was hilarious. The guys there are the only people who can really make me smile and laugh no matter how bad my mood is... besides Apis and Mira! Unlike some people... they see me looking all worried or upset, they give me more pressure! It is sickening when I respect someone's mood but they don't respect mine! I hate it. Sometimes, they don't seem to care. They CLAIM they care but they don't. They give me more pressure. They make me more upset. They make me feel worst about myself. I know I am being sensitive but at least respect a person the way the person respect you! (if you noticed, I didn't mention any names. I respect their privacy!)

Oh yes, I saw Abang Syah took off today for Indonesia! Abang Syah and Kak Kay. Honeymoon time for them... until baby comes along! XD I am going to miss them both lots. Well, If wasn't for Abang Syah there will be a lot of Malay words I won't know or how to use. Abang Syah was the ONLY Iban guy I met in tuition (near Uncle Safri's house, Haji Mataim area) in 1996! Yes, I was in Primary 6 while he was in Form 5. Which means he is 5 years older than me! How he met Kak Kay was a simple one. They were staying in the same area for all their lives and didn't realised each other's existence until one of my classmates was fetched by Kak Kay! (they were cousins). It was love at first sight! Hehehe... He kept poking me to ask for Kak Kay's information. It did get annoying at one time but he kept on poking. So, I spoke to my classmate (Farhana) about Kak Kay. So, we set them up! Since it was within the kampong area, it was easy for Farhana. They were staying at Kudei area. Not far from Sunrise Park! Abang Syah at that age already had the freedom to go out so it was easy. They met and got to know each other... but they only declared a year later! I was in Form 2 already when Abang Syah contacted me telling me he and Kak Kay were an item! Oh yes, Abang Syah's real name was Samuel or Sam for short! :) The thing is, ever since he and Kak Kay became an item, I thought of Muslim names for him! I didn't think of Syahrizal until I read it somewhere. At that age, I liked the name Adenan. So, I named him Syahrizal Adenan and started calling him Abang Syah! He seemed to like the name as well, which kept me happy! Haha! Then, he and Kak Kay got married. He got converted and changed his name to Syahrizal Adenan! Haha! Oh well. I am going to miss him lots. He was the medicine to all my pain. He was the big brother I never had. He gave me an education in life which I had never seen. He gave me the chance to change my views on everything. He often told me to keep things the way it is. He ALWAYS tell me to be honest with my emotions. He'd knew if I have been lying. I never spoke of Abang Syah because he didn't want people to think otherwise about him and me. He is the brother I yearn for. He is the brother I wish I had. In fact, I do have him, as my brother. I loved him that way! He knows it. I respect him for being him. I remembered that he was the ONLY person I could find myself crying to before I had a boyfriend in 2000. He was the ONLY guy who knew me deeply. Abang Syah. Then Kak Kay came into our lives. Abang Syah, I think since you are in Indonesia now, I think it is safe people know about you. Especially after the case in one of the irc channels! They thought it was me. I admit, I used your nick once to impersonate you! Hehe. Sorry!

Yet, no one can beat my family! :) They are the ONLY people I can depend on when there is anything. No one else. That is why I stand to a ground which is firm... what ground is that? People can mess with my life. People can mess with me but not my family. Not my sisters. Not my parents. If anything happen to my parents or sisters. I will seek revenge. EVEN IF people think it is absurb. I don't forgive people too easily when my family are involved. I will not forgive until they ask for forgiveness with pure honesty in their hearts! Just recently, I forgave a relative on Abah's side. Now, I understand why he hugs us tightly when we salam him. He doesn't get it from his own children... Sunday, when I met him. I told him something which made me feel good deep inside despite all my own worries, sorrows and pain... I told him that "We will always be there for you, don't worry! One day we go out?" Though I did it in a playful manner, I meant well. After so many years, after so many years of believing that he was the bad apple. I finally called him Ami (Uncle in my language) instead of Uncle. He was misunderstood but after so long. We found out the truth. That is how it all come about. There is ALWAYS some space for forgiveness.

BUT...

I, JEZSIEMA YUN HERN YIK (haha!), DECLARE THAT, IF I HEREBY HAVE REVENGE UPON SOMEONE, THAT VENGEANCE WILL REMAIN TILL THE DAY I LEAVE THIS WORLD!

That is the bad thing about me. I take vengeance and hatred seriously. That is why it is hard for me to hate something or someone. But when I say I hate something or someone. I mean it and it ain't a joke. The sickening bit of me as well is... although I take vengeance and hatred seriously, I forgive easily. I am a fucking pushover, I know! I hate that bit of me but I love it as well. I hate myself for that because when I forgive someone. That person will repeat the same mistake towards me... I love it because it makes me feel good inside!

Anyway... moving on...

I absolutely love Nirvana's Heart Shaped Box. Haha! I don't know why the sudden change of music genre. I still love Goth Rock but I have been downloading a lot of angsty songs. I have Static-X, Disturbed, System of a Down, Adema (AWESOME!), Korn, Slipknot and other angsty bands! Hehe. Weird but true. I have this sudden mode of changing my music genres. Well, I had always liked Static-X and System of a Down! Haha! "Wake up! Grab a brush and put on a little make up! I just woke up with a shake up! Why you'd leave the keys on the table! Here we go creating another fable!" (Chop Suey!)

Fyi, Chop Suey is a kind of food! Haha!

Anyway, Adeeb sms-ed me today! Hehe! It was hilarious and he gave me some ideas for a story! Dig this...!

SAINTWARS: Jedi Academy

Headmaster: Master Foo
Student Advisor: Master Tilai

Teaching Staff:
Master Mace Gindui
Master Chai (Yoda's Twin)

*ROLLS ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING!*

Students:
Kam Jen (Hafiz): C3P0
Faiz Sapi: Chewbaca
Princess Leia: Me (?!?!)

Now, I asked him why am I Leia? And he simply replied, that I am a Princess with attitude! Waa!! Sayang ko ngan aku Deeb! (You do love me Deeb!) Hehe! THEN, HE ADDED NARUTO (animes) AS WELL! Hehe! Here are the list of names...

NARUTO CHARACTERS:

Yassin - Gaara (cruel)
Ghana - Naruto (noisy)
Deen - Shikamaru (smart)
Adeeb - Chouji (loves food) - claims the guy is fat like him! O.o?
Me - Sakura (with attitude) - the girl with PINK hair! Hehe!
Timang - Neiji (never giving up!)

Timang is one heck of a guy. He is cool! :) He was my ex classmate in St. Thomas' as well! :D But we got closer as friends when he and Adeeb became room mates in UITM! He's cool!

Ekeke... enough of other people now. Enough about myself, I mean! Jeez. Hehe. Anyway, Nel the nuisance sms-ed me. Saying he wanted to meet up on Friday. It MIGHT be his last time meeting me since he wants to form a band and go underground. Right. Now, tomorrow, the plan. I decided to go with backup. But I will look as if I went alone. I did say I would go alone somehow. So, if anything happens at least I have backup, right? :) Aah, Clarence just sent me an sms! He said he can go! YES! I got the MOST important backup!! Oh yes, speaking of which.
Nel told me something unpleasant! He said, in order to forget Della, he takes drugs and smokes. STUPID ASSHOLE! Gosh! I, too, have people to forget but I don't do stupid things like that when I have a problem! Jeez! STUPID ASSHOLE!! Jeez... JEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seems to me, I am running out of ideas of what to type! Hehe! Anyway, I better go off now. OH YES! I am going to make a run for it after Gawai! Not MANY people know where I will end up but I know I am going to board a plane! I AM GOING TO MAKE A RUN FOR IT! Ain't telling where or when... just running away from where I am NOW to release the stress in my chest. To release the pain in my chest. Only a few people worth telling would know where I would end up.

That song by Christina Aguilera can reflect onto me as well! :Pp Hmmm...

I got to go now. Getting bored! BYE!

~Jezsiema

This Week... Weird and Funny but nostrils start to flare

2005-05-15T14:32:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): over the moon
Current Colour: yellow
Current Music: Angels (Within Temptation)
Current Annoyance: the weather
Current Obsession: Sandman Comics STILL!
Current Location: My bedroom...

Today was one of the MOST BEAUTIFUL Sundays of my life! The plan to spend some time with Abah was fantastic! This morning, around 7 something Nuril knocked on my room door (an indication to wake me up) So, I did my normal duties LAZILY! Hello? Sunday? At 7 am? Hmm... So, Abah, Nuril, Embok Fariah and I went out for breakfast. We ended up eating roti canai at Zen's place. The roti canai shop at Nanas Road. Well, we had fun as usual talking about almost everything! Then, a family came in. They were related to Abah. The old man who walked in was Atok's cousin meaning, he was my Atok, too! :) Embok Fariah was the first to salam, then Nuril and finally me (since I was behind the Elephant! XD) The best part was... "Kacak muka anak nok sorang tok!" (This daughter of yours is pretty!) when I salam Atok. And I was like... huh? O.o? Then I totally blushed! Haha! I mean seriously! PEOPLE TELLING I AM PRETTY? Hmm... "Atok, kamek mintak maaf ngan kitak. Kamek sik kacak... ehehe..." (Atok, I apologise to you. I am not pretty... ehehe...) Hehe. Something crossed my mind when Atok said that... "Does he intend on to matchmake me with one of his sons or grandsons?" HAHAHAHA! *ROTFL* NOW, THAT IS WHAT I CALL A CRAZY THOUGHT!! I was trying hard not to laugh or say anything about because it was a stupid thought! Hehehe...

That is one. Two... READ ON! :D

We went home after breakfast and waited for Nek Usu Pie'e and Abang Hap to come. When they came, Abah, Nuril and I went to meet a few people at Petronas and GUESS WHAT I SAW! Hehe! A Toyota Supra! The orange one. Just like the Supra in 2Fast 2Furious! :) The owner of the car were one of the few who wanted to meet Abah. Abah got fascinated with the Supra actually. The owner asked Abah if Abah wanted to drive. So, Abah tried but the engine died as he tried to reverse. I know why... the clutch needed to be released slowly but high. I happened to be in a wacky mood and asked if I could test drive. The owner smiled and said okay! Hell yes, I drove the car. He asked me ONE question MOST people asked me, "You know how to drive a manual?" OH HELL YES! *whispers* I'd prefer driving a manual actually! Hehehe... I took the wheels and man, it was one of the most enthusiastic moments of my life! I mean, HELLO! I was driving a FULLY MODIFIED MANUAL GEAR TOYOTA SUPRA for crying out loud! Now, about the clutch. It needs to be released slowly and it is quite hard to raise it up because if you don't do it right, the engine with stop! I took one round at Petronas! Oh my God. It wasn't easy! I told Abah about it and he said that it was modified for racing purposes... so it is hard. Waa! Nuril was all, "if the Skyline GTR34 was there... she'd go mad!" and I was like, "Oh yes... OH YES! OH YES!!" Ehehe... Abang Hap left us to send Nek Usu back to the house and fetch Mummy from Taman Sri Wangi! :) We went to a racing area at Sejingkat. And... When all the other cars came, I nearly lost my head but seriously, I was kind of disappointed. The ONLY nice car there were the Supra, the old Skyline, Honda CRX and the Nissan Silvia (180z)! WAAAA!!! The best part of all that happened at Sejingkat was the drag demonstration! The guy with the Supra asked me if I wanted to be sit in the car (by this time, Mummy was there). I, without thinking twice, jumped and said, "YES!" and Mummy was like, "JAJA!!" Then she spoke to Ami Reza, who took my picture IN THE SUPRA! (all I heard was, "That one really loves cars!) WOO HOO!! I look forward to getting that picture! Hehehe. When I got into the car, I noticed the PGX guys looked at me as if they've NEVER seen a girl getting excited before! OH MY GOD! NO WORDS CAN TRULY EXPLAIN THE FEELING I HAD TODAY! I TOTALLY WENT NUTS! Okay, during the drag demonstration, THE G-Force was AWESOME! Each time the driver shift gear, I could feel myself going forward then against the seat. OH MY GOD! By the time we got back to the starting line, I got out and Mummy asked me "How was it?" And all I could say was, "OH MY GOD!" Then, she knew I was speechless. Then when I said, "WOO!" She started laughing! Really... it was an awesome day! I will include the pictures but not too soon! :/ Hehehe.... OH MY GOD!! I CANNOT BELIEVE I SAT, DROVE AND RODE IN A TOYOTA SUPRA! But, things... insya Allah, would be BEST IF I do get my Skyline in future! :) I WILL STUDY MY ASS OFF FOR THAT ONE! I want that one at Deshon Road. The white 6-Speed Manual! :D Hehe. Oh God! Hehehe! I don't know. How many times I have said that today!

After the drag race thing, we went to the Demak Factory! I met all the old friends there... Mail, Ijam, Joe, Udin (hehe!), Abang Ahim, Yassin, Embok Zai, Kusai, Jojo, Angie, Jac, Bob, Abang Boy, Abang Adi, Asgar, Random, Ba'ie... too many names to mention~! OH MY GOD! I MISS THEM ALL! :D And yes, Richard dyed his hair! HAHA! It doesn't suits him but hell, do I look like I care? He didn't seem want to see me as I didn't want to see his face! Why should I bother? Haha! Oh well, Abah even played badminton there! It was fun being there. Oh yeah, I saw the Cruiser! IT IS OUT! DEMAK'S BIG BIKE! :D Hahah!

Gosh... I am still high on the whole Supra thing! I noticed... the Supra is huge. Compare to Embok Fariah's Prelude the Supra is huge.

And...

The Friday incident! Haha! Putri? Hahaha! Oh my God. Ya Allah, thank You for bringing back the smile on my face! :) I think I am getting a tummy cramp due to laughing too hard! XD Too many funny things happening to me lately. For instance, the whole cracking my brain with how to create my quiz! Heh... About the Putri thing... now, Adeeb calls me Putri! I tell you, this is going to go on and I think UiTM Samarahan will know! Haha! KNOWING ADEEB! Mun Aishah or Timang start nunggah aku Putri, Deeb, kawu ku munoh~! Haha! Boh nunggah aku Putri, eh. Malu aku, eh! *blushes* (If Aishah or Timan starts calling me Putri, Deeb, I will kill you~! Haha! Don't call me Putri. You're making me shy!)

Oh yes... About the whole family thing. I know the story now. I know what actually happened. I know who is to blame and who is not to blame. I know. Anyway, there is ALWAYS space for forgiveness :)

I think I got over-excited! Kinda tired now. I am getting a headache! -_-" More later? :) Most definitely... if anything interesting happens that is!

~Jezsiema

Family Values~ and the Law...

2005-05-14T12:31:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): ok
Current Colour: purple
Current Music: Somewhere Out There (Our Lady Peace)
Current Annoyance: SOME people's truth
Current Obsession: Sandman Comics STILL!
Current Location: My bedroom...

Whatever it is, I love the meaning of this lyric. It is called Learn to be Lonely by Minnie Driver from the soundtrack of The Phantom of the Opera.

Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion

Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You’ve always known your heart was on its own

So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely
Life can lived life can be loved alone

I love the meaning of that song. There are some truth to it. We all should learn to be lonely. I know I should. I find so much peace being alone sometimes but sometimes I hate myself to even think of being lonely. Yet, I like being left alone when I am doing my writings or when I am thinking and PEOPLE respect that. Thank you~! :)

Nuril just told me that Abah wanted to spend family time tomorrow. I can't go to Salleh and Umairah's engagement! I got to let them know. Family ALWAYS come first. I think I know why. It is basically on what had happened last night.

Our family of five. Small. But our hearts towards each other are big. We NEVER forget birthdays or any special occasions. That shows how close we are. The painful bit of this family is... the fact that Abah is a man dedicated to his work and duties. So, he is often in KL from Mondays to Thursdays. Sometimes, the government send him outside Malaysia and so forth. Jeez... but the beauty it all is when he comes home. The things he buys, the chocolates he brings home and the family time we spend right after! That is why I love my family. Although well, we are busy with other things, we ALWAYS make an afford to spend quality time together.

Abah:- a man of law and politics... he is the one person I truly admire since I was a young girl. Being the only man in the family, he is protective over us all. He is very patient with our attitudes and ways of handling with things. A born leader. That is my Abah~!

Mummy:- a woman with little patience but so much words. Typical Chinese woman! XD Although at some point of my life I wish I could run away from her but she is still my mother. She's also protective (considering she carried us for 9 months in her womb~!) That is Mummy!

Embok Fariah:- a woman who is an educator. She rocks in her own way. Among us three, she is the one person Nuril and I ALWAYS depend on. (like duh! She is the eldest) She has her moment of time when it is best to avoid her but, we still love her~! THAT IS EMBOK FARIAH!

ME:- I know who I am... I am probably the naughtiest among the lot. Well, that is me. Hmm... I dare not say anything about myself but all I know is I am screwed up and I screw up a lot. I make a lot of mistakes and... I want to be like Abah~ a lawyer~! THAT IS ME!

Nuril:- the baby. HOLD IT! Yes, she is the baby BUT... yeap, there is a catch. She grumbles worst than an old woman! She is like the 2nd old woman in the family! Haha! But, she is still my baby sister. That is Nuril~!

I admit. I may have my rocky moments down the road with my family but I still love them none-the-less! :) I mean, they are the ONLY people I can run to for unconditional love.

Where many people like me are concerned, although they seem to find fault with you, they are still family. They are still the ones to love you UNCONDITIONALLY! Well, what is the meaning of FAMILY? I forgot to ask that before it all.

Father
And
Mother
I
Love
You

I think, I will write a poem for everyone. I already successfully wrote a poem for Nuril for her Friendster testimonial. I know this write up about my family isn't all that good. Another attempt? :) Okay, here goes.

A family of five. ONLY five. The father, 59. The mother, 54. The eldest daughter, 32. The second daughter, 21. The last daughter, 12. The father, a man of law and politics. He was often away to the capital city for work but his wife and children understood the noble intentions. But he ALWAYS make an afford to come home and spend time with his family for the weekends. He was the leader of the family and was protective over his daughters and often wants the best for each and everyone of them. The mother, the one person the daughters tolerate when she starts grumbling but between the mother and the three daughters, they have their own stories about the father's side of the family. The mother, though, very strict loved her children very much and often scolded them when they did something wrong. The eldest sister, an educator, was a typical teacher. She knows what to do and how to handle her sisters. Despite being the eldest, she often got scolded if any of her younger siblings got into trouble. It was her part but she was the one person her sisters often ran to when something comes up. The second sister, not the best person to talk to about when responsibility is involved. Often hot tempered and rebellious but often stood up for her younger sister. The youngest, the baby of the family. Though often get bullied but has the ability to either tolerate or fight back.

A brief one about my own family.

It is the contrary to Abah's younger brother's family... This is my only hope. I hope Ami Sharkawi (as bad as we thought he was) goes home. I understand why the man runs away from home. He is stressed out with his family. I understand why... that is the family where no one wants to be in each other's presence. And that is sad. Really. If I could 100% forgive Ami Sharkawi, I would but... old habits die hard. Okay, I forgave him. But. Not. 100%!

Well... ermm...

As for my "extended family", I miss Bro Destiny the most!! Hadn't seen him online for quite sometime lately. His beau is in town! :) I want to meet her! She made my 'Bro' happy which made me happy. *hugs* Of all my 'Bros', he is the ONLY one who TRULY understands his Sister Death! Hehe! :) Brother! I fare you best of wishes!

MESS WITH ME IS OK BUT MESSING WITH MY FAMILY IS NOT OKAY!

Anyway, tomorrow will be Family Day for us! Although Mummy's busy with PERKIM. Hopefully, I can go to Demak with Abah for the Demak family day thing! I miss my Demak friends! Mail, Ijam, Pjal, Asgar, Abang Ahim, Embok Zai, Yassin, Udin (WEIRD BUT TRUE ESPECIALLY UDIN!), Joe, Kusai and more~! I wonder, did Mail will the karaoke competition! Actually, tonight, Montel was one of the judges for the karaoke competition! :) Ehehe. Gosh, I miss hanging out at the factory although it means meeting that bastard name Richard. But, there is ONE person I miss most. Chung. If she was still with Demak. Things would be... somewhat... different. I would still go up there! Ever since she left. It changed.

Anyway, I was discussing about the law with Abah today. How did the topic of crime came about? Oh yes, clubbing areas and fights! I think... anyways, I stated my views which made Abah kept quiet and smile at me. Well... I think for Criminal cases... As Abah agrees with me, the best law would be the Hudud Law. Why? Well, the concept an eye for an eye is best!

In China, if a man was guilty for rape, the penalty is to walk around the town naked then stand in the middle of a large field where he will be shot to death! (correct me if I am wrong!)

The Hudud Law:- THE CONCEPT: An Eye for An Eye. The penalty for stealing is chopping off the hands! That is like ONE of the ONLY way we can enforce a safer situation. More people will be afraid to commit criminal offences! The problem with Malaysian criminal handling system is too lenient! They dumb the criminal into jail sentence the offencer for a few years then let him go. AGAIN, he will commit the same offence! Stupid, eh? So, an eye for an eye is best! :)

No wonder Abah smiled. His daughter IS studying! HEHEHEHEHE!!! But, Abah, that is Comparative Law! :D Eheehehe... I can imagine Mummy saying, "Got the bloody cheek!" Oh well! :D

Gosh, I have been blogging for too long. I am running out of ideas! Hehehe... Got to stop now! I cannot stand it.

~Jezsiema

"Me? A Princess? Rolls on the floor laughing!" and other thoughts~

2005-05-13T23:58:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): happy as larry
Current Colour: yellow
Current Music: Giving In (Adema feat. Linkin Park)
Current Annoyance: chest pains and SOME people
Current Obsession: Sandman Comics STILL!
Current Location: My bedroom...

Today, I met Arzuan's uncle (technically my uncle by marriage) and he knew who I was. God, why is it not safe for me to go anywhere now? And he asked me for my name and Arzuan gave my name. Then something came up. Something I NEVER knew came up. Something I was born with which were left unspoken was spoken.

My name.

Yes... My name. I had often BELIEVED that my name was a combination of my grandparents (maternal and paternal) but there are secrets behind that name. In my name, I hold my maternal grandmother's pet name... and I OFTEN THOUGHT IT MEANT GOLDEN MOUNTAIN! After today, after Arzuan's uncle and Adeeb explained to me, THAT name will mean PRINCESS when I am of right age. When Abah becomes a Tuanku! OH MY GOD! Erk! I mean, seriously. Me? A Princess? *Rolls on the floor laughing!*

And Adeeb... TOLD ME... IF I marry a commoner, (HATE this word but what to do... let's face facts!) my daughters will inherit the name Wan. Sons... nah. But if I marry someone of my clan, our children will be 'pure'. Erk... As I think about it all... it's almost scary!

Hmm.... but the thing that got me thinking... the name transformation... ME? A PRINCESS! AND THIS ADEEB (being TYPICAL) go and say, "Eh, bermember ngan Putri aku tok eh!" (Eh, I am being good buddies with a Princess!). Adeeb my words for you, "GILA KO NAK? AKU TETAP AKU!" (Are you crazy? I WILL REMAIN AS ME!). As I think about it, I am the MOST UNPRINCESS-LIKE PERSON IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE! I mean, LOOK at me (to those who've met me) and think about it! Gosh.

I am getting rather confused now. I mean, my name. Hmm... I like my name. It is unique yet there are too many secrets. Why did they call Mak Nek - Nong? I was often brought to believe that it means Gunong Emas (Golden Mountain). But after today... that changed my thoughts. I didn't want to believe. I stand firmly on my ground. But. I. Am. Still. Confused! If only Ami Bujang was still alive. I could ask him but... Allah loved him.

Well, tonight was not only the most confusing night but... well, I never been so frighten at my father before. I mean. Hmm... I shall not speak of it. I don't want to recall what happened this evening. It was too painful to see Abah like that tonight. I never seen him so worried before. So, the thought that raced through my mind was... "What if that was me?" I cannot imagine! I don't want to imagine the things Abah would do if that was me. At Tun Jugah, watching Abah acting like so made me feel like crying. I sms-ed both Mummy and Embok Fariah. I was worried and scared. Just watching him shouting over the phone talking to Tok Yak was enough to make me feel so much pain.

Imagine:- if his own daughter doing such stupid things? OH SHIT! I WOULD FEEL GUILTY UNTIL THE DAY I DIE!

You know, all this started when Zatil called the house asking for Abah's handphone number and insisting that it was an emergency. I gave the number. When Mummy and Abah came home, that was when Abah's good mood became stale.

AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FORGET THE WHOLE THING!

I should now know well enough... NOT to make my father worry! Enough! He worries over people who does not really appreciate him. For those who does and he knows it, the impact maybe worst (yes, with the "t")... ESPECIALLY his own daughters.

There... I had enough of this bit of today. I am okay now. I've let the pain out somehow or rather. If it still linger in my mind. I will deal with it in ink and paper!

~jezsiema

Hmm... thoughts...

2005-05-10T12:31:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: grey
Current Music: Guilty (The Rasmus)
Current Annoyance: chest pains
Current Obsession: Sandman Comics! (THANK YOU, BRO NICK!)
Current Location: My bedroom...

Jee... I was chatting with Abang Man last night and he said something about liking to read my blog. Thanks, Bro! Well, for me, my blog is where I pour out. I mean, I cannot keep it locked in my chest for too long. I know who I am now. I have fatal desires and darkness locked within me. I am not the cheerful hypocrite I often show myself to be!

And yes, my outlay! :) I LOVE MY OUTLAY! But I may want to make a new one... soon. When I am less pressured! Yes, the black and the red MUST remain! After all, these are two of my favorite colours! Why?

Black = mysterious
Red = blood and roses

Hey, I was thinking, IF I WERE TO FORM A BAND! I would name it Blood and Roses or Bloody Roses but then I need to form a Goth band for that! :)

Hmm... I have not told the story of my blog outlay... well, the story is simple! See the girl in the pool of water and petals? Yes, she is lost. Like me. She lay in the pool with her eyes close. Oh well, I am not going into details because if that were me, I have an entirely different thought. Knowing me! :)

Damn, I have little monsters knocking at my room door and my window! My weekday sister, Nabila and my lifetime sister, Nuril! -_-"

Recently, I got Sandman in hand! Woo hoo! Thank you, Bro! I have been reading the comics after reading my law books and now, I am rereading it to get the awesome quotes! :) And as I read, I found Rose Walker. She's pretty interesting! I love her hair. Thus the Yahoo! Messenger status for today, "if only i could but... mum will come after me with a parang" (a parang is a long knife). Why will Mummy come after me with a parang? Well, Rose Walker has rainbow-y hair! And I like it! Hahaha! Oh... Not only Mummy will come after me. A few other people will, too! :D I am just happy I have Sandman in hand. That have been keeping me happy for the past few days! I mean, SERIOUSLY! Only that have been making me happy and able to take my mind of a hell lot of things! Somehow, this comic has quite a lot of truths in it. It is heavy and on the cover I noticed this -=> For Mature Readers <=- I see why. Naked figures? Talk of sex? Violence are all involved and yes, ~~I found my BOYFRIEND in Sandman! :D John Constantine! Hehehe... As in the Hell Blazer Constantine!~~ :D Oh... ehehe... Forget I said that! *grins* It's been a while since I STRIKEOUT certain sentences! Haha! This is getting a little out of hand! And IF they have a Sandman movie. I WILL GO OUT AND LOOK FOR THE DVD! NO STOPPING ME!! :D

DAMN THOSE MONSTERS! KNOCKING ON MY ROOM DOOR NON-STOP! Is this COMMON ASSAULT? Hehehe... :P I had to say that... Put law books aside for a while...

Hmm... I need to get to St. Thomas to help Mafie with his English summary! Gee... Hehe. Let's see if I still remember my 1119. About getting that A1... it was totally out of my expectations! Was hoping for an A2 or B3 (at worst) but... A1. Why did I say this? My Section C of the paper was filled with WEIRD WORDS like Unicorns, Faeries, Ban Shees and Leprachauns! Yes, in other words, I added Irish Mythology to it. When I confronted Madam Ivy about this her answer was EXTREMELY simple... "They found your story interesting and they wanted something different and imaginative. I know you are VERY imaginative. I've marked your papers and I find you have the talent for writing!" Whoa... I will NEVER EVER forget that statement! If I can retrieve my SPM paper, I would rewrite it and compile a book! :) As it is I am looking forward to getting Strong Emotions PUBLISHED! (thank you Abah for supporting the idea!)

Hmm....

I

am

getting

really

bored.... (fullstop)

Hehe... Delirium stood next to me a moment ago! I don't know how I truly feel now. I do have Despair's hook hooked onto me but... I am trying to think that it is NOT there. Jeez... I am bored. I think I will shower now to get ready! Hmm...

Oh yes, before I actually go... I want to say thanks to Shaz for being nice to ask me of my condition last night! I had a nice chat with her in MSN but then she had to log out! So, I found myself visiting the Dreaming... READING SANDMAN! :)

I am not going to talk about what happened last night. Seriously, many people will worry or hate me for not being honest!

Below are the Memes I did in Friendster! Hmm... just about emotions! And there are no lies in that one.

When ur happy, what do u do?
~ i would be the thing that wouldn't shut the farck up! when i am TRULY happy, i talk and talk and giggle like nobody's business! stupid, eh? well, sh*tty as it sounds... that seems to be me but now that me is dead!

When ur angry, what do u do?
~ write poems, think of roses, think of blood, think Goth and hate everything around me and hate myself...

When ur sad, what do u do?
~ write poems and think Goth... i dont seem to know how to cry anymore... it sucks being able to cry... instead of tears... i don't mind blood!

When u feel stupid, what do u do?
~ do stupid things!

When u feel clueless, what do u do?
~ try not to be clueless by giving a stupid look and pretend nothing's happened...

Are you happy?
~ NO.I.AM.NOT!

Are you angry?
~ yes but at myself and my stupidity! what to do, right???

Are you sad?
~ i am pathetically sad! so what gives??

Are you stupid?
~ we all are... we make mistakes... we are not perfect... my stupid actions lately was to let the piercings at my ears to close just because i wanted to change... I REGRETTED THAT!! Look, if you want to tell me i am stupid... yes, to hell i am stupid but i will shoot back a question at you... "Do you think you are perfect? do you think you are not stupid? if you think you are NOT stupid but think that you are perfect try this, take a lump of mud, carve it into a bird then bring it to life... try and beat God's powers!" so? i do have a point, yes?

Are you clueless?
~ nowadays, i am not but we all do have our moments right?

What does love mean to u?
~ took this from Sandman quote by Rose Walker:-"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

Do u hate someone now?
~ YES! I HATE MYSELF!! NO ONE ELSE BUT ME!

Do u love someone now?
~ I try not to but then... since i hate myself why should i love??

Do u miss someone now?
~ yes but i dont know what is the point of missing someone when someone does not miss you back? better not waste anytime missing anyone!

Do u like the feeling when u feel all lovey-dovey?
~ how does it feels like? i forgot... seriously...

Are you emotional?
~ hell yes and it is stupid of me to be!

What do u when ur in pain?
~ try to kill it though more will come...

How do u feel when doing this survey?
~ kind of satisfied with letting my heart out...

There you have it ladies and gentlemen... MY BED OF ROSES! Yes, blood are now flowing from where I am lying. So, don't think my smile is an honest one.

~Jezsiema

Another Thought...

2005-05-08T14:39:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): depressed
Current Colour: grey
Current Music: System (Chester Bennington)
Current Annoyance: lack of sleep!
Current Obsession: blood (it came back)
Current Location: My bedroom...

I am bored. Yeap. I have another thought. It happened to be one of my favourite quotes!! :) It is true but then at the same time... UNTRUE!

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

(Rose Walker's view of Love)

Yeap... what she said is true. Oh well... I think I want to watch a movie now. I don't know what. At least to kill my boredom or something. And yes, I am still waiting for my Sandman comics!! =/ Next thing you know Mac will lay eggs or give birth to kittens...!

Come on, think about it... Mac is a MALE cat. So, a male cat, laying eggs and giving birth to kittens? Ain't it weird? Think about it... if you think that it is possible... hence, the world is coming to its end!

Aahh... as we speak, the world is coming to its end. There are more females than males... Men wearing women's clothes and women wearing men's clothes.

But the bigger worry is... when the deserts in Arabia starts growing grasses of green. Then it is time to worry!

Hmm... That is not really much for me to worry about *sighs* I have an exam in September and I DESPERATELY need to pass that one! I WANT TO GO THROUGH YEAR ONE! THEN GO THROUGH YEAR TWO!! Then Third Year I can go to Brisbane and forget all my past in Kuching! Yes, I am trying to run away! I don't care what people say. But I think being in Australia is easy because I am still near my parents!

Life... LIFE!! Why art thou cruel just as Desire? Why art thou cold like Desire? Thou knowst my pain! Thy pleasure is to see this soul to suffer?

Damn, I am bored... I am going all Shakespeare! ~_~ I think I am back to where I used to be. Blood and Roses as an obsession! I shall compare thee to Rose, dear Life!

@}-`-,--

Life...
Just like the roses...
Beautiful...
But the thorns...
Cause so much pain...
Roses...
When you nurture it...
It is as beautiful as it can be...
It is a sight to see...
Roses...
Red like blood...
The thorns...
Green but once pricked...
Covered in liquid of red...
Life...
Like the roses...
Once beautiful...
Can be painful...
Yet...
Like roses...
As beautiful and painful as it is...
Roses...
Can get dry...
Wither and slowly die...
That is Life...
Life...
As roses...

@}-`-,--

Depressing. I know. I. Hate. Myself. For. That. Poem! Hmm... But then, I like the idea of roses. It potrays a lot of things in life. But life can also be described as a box of chocolates! Why? *this is making me crave for chocolates!! NO MORE SUPPLY!! NEED TO RELOAD!* Hmm... chocolates... Keep this as a thought...

Life is like a box of chocolates. We don't know what flavour we will get. Either SWEET or BITTERSWEET! When it is the chocolate that we like, it disappears fast. And that can be significant to time! Damn, I am on POETIC MODE ON!! Tehehe... Oh well! Sickening, eh? :P But then, this happens when I am feeling down. I try not to get suicidal but then I get poetical! LOL! Weird... that is better, I guess but then my poems are normally dark and angsty! I know. Oh yes, I am back to downloading ANGRY music! Yeah, songs by bands like Godsmack, Static-X, Disturbed and so forth! I am back at those kind of music. Not Gothic, I know, but then... ANGSTY!

I am getting sleepy. Hmm... I guess, here I shall stop. I want to read my Teen Titans comic and then if I fall asleep, I fall asleep! Hehe. Lack of sleep! Grr... I think I better go to sleep!

Oh yeah, I NEED TO LOOK FOR GENSOMADEN SAIYUKI ON DVD! I found Cowboy Bebop! A three DVD special thing. I have the movie but then I want to get the Box Set Special! Hey, I might as well list down the anime DVD/VCD I want! :) To kill boredom at least...

Gensomaden Saiyuki
Cowboy Bebop (seen the DVD set at Sarawak Plaza!)
Robotech/Macross
Tokyo Babylon
Yami No Matsuei
Wolf's Rain
The Record of Lodoss
Saber Rider (WHERE CAN I LOOK FOR THIS ONE?)

Jeez... I realised one thing. Those are HEAVY animes! Haa... I like heavy animes. I prefer heavy animes. NOT HENTAI! I mean where a lot of fighting and other things are concerned. Most people like Naruto, Beyblade and so forth but TYPICAL girls would love Fushigi Yuugi and Fruit Baskets!

I think I am done here. I am getting sick of everything and everyone!

~Jezsiema

"Let's just say, I have issues with myself and the world!"

2005-05-08T10:32:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): depressed
Current Colour: grey
Current Music: Behind Blue Eyes (Limp Bizkit) -on repeat-
Current Annoyance: sms coming in so damn early this morning and lack of sleep!
Current Obsession: blood (it came back)
Current Location: My bedroom...

This morning was the most restless morning I had in my entire life! People kept sending in sms about their problems. I don't mind helping out or lending a few advices. The problem is, I am hot tempered and I am afraid I would say the WRONG thing! I know, I am cranky this morning! I am very CRANKY!

The whole thing is about Della and Clarence who sms-ed me about each other and the problems they face with other. Okay, here is the thing I know.

I have known Della since 2000 since we were in the same choir team and in the same voice group... Eh, no. She was in the lower soprano group. I was in the higher group. Oh well, what gives... So, basically, I know Della longer than Clarence.

Clarence have been sending me sms-es about his discomfort with Della's stubborness. And he put the blame on Nel who made Della's life a living hell when they were dating! I know, I was there to witness it all! Nel was very forceful onto Della and I hated looking at how he treated her without any respect! He bullied her and he domineered too much onto her. He was childishly DOMINEERING Della's life. A couple of times Della would contact me telling me she got into deep shit with her mother because of Nel.

The weird thing:- Both Nel and Della are afraid of my temper... A good sign? :) So, when I start making noise even the SLIGHTEST sound, they would both freeze...

The condition now:- I cannot show my temper to Clarence because he is older than me and quite honestly, I know he is more rational than Nel. He is mature. He is 24 for crying out loud! Although I don't run to him for problems but still, he speaks the same language as I do about Nel and even Della! We both tend to agree on the same thing about Della.

Why?:- I have known Della since 2000. And Clarence, despite, the short time, I am sure have heard a hell lot from her alone. The rationality is there.

The problem with Della is her being too stubborn! She won't take no for an answer. She will fight for it. She is more like a boy than more like a girl! She argues and when she does, when she is at the losing end, she would turn into a big baby! (I am sorry for this truth, La...) Thus making other people pissed. She expects to be the winner all the time. That is not a good defence. I admit, I do it but I know my limits! But Della won't be satisfied until she knows one thing, she won!

Currently:- I am advicing Della on how to handle Clarence. I had his consent to tell her all about our conversations. I mean, she needs to know something. She cannot be left hanging on the line asking, "Why?". I know I have been bad in hiding the sms-ing sessions with Clarence but... he did it because he wanted to look for someone who knew Della more than he did and that person happened to be me.

My response? Why?:- with arms wide open! To answer the question why is very simple. Everyone needs someone to talk to about another someone. Clarence knows I know Della well. He knew I saw her basically growing up in her teens. She was only in Form 2 when I first knew her. Yes, Della is 17 years old and I am 21 years old. Hey, age gap does not matter!

The sms?:- some bits are to remain secret. But this morning, Della sms-ed me about how Clarence isn't there to listen to her every need. The thing is, her problems are concerning her friends. I mean, it is good that she shows that she is concerned but if the matter is between a boyfriend and his girlfriend, that is a big no-no. Look, if a boyfriend can beat up his girlfriend and the girlfriend's friend take any action against it, the guy can just hunt the third party down and try to kill her! That IS a problem. The reason why Clarence shuts her up about this sort of thing is pretty simple... He was trying to protect her. I understood well to that bit but Della doesn't seem to care. Della maybe noble to not stand around and look but still... a lovers problem like that is within their own circle. No one else should be involved.

Clarence?:- pissed at that stubborness.

My own reactions?:- standing on neutral grounds.

I have to because this is a lover's problem! They only contact me for opinions and guidelines. All I can do is give some thoughts and opinions but I don't want to get involved.

The BIGGER problems:- Clarence and Della are UNOFFICIALLY married! I have the Withnessing Letter!! Heck, I was one of the witness! Oh well. Things friends do when they want their friends to find happiness but then... all I see is... darkness. I mean seriously. Ever since they got married that night, all they ever did was quarrel! Most of the time, that is!

My wish for them:- happiness and love... enough said.

As for me... I have issues with myself and the world. Nothing is going to be said but... the thing is, I can give advice to people when I cannot advice myself! Is that being a hypocrite? I can help people settle their crisis but I can't even deal with mine. That is sad. That is sick! That is pathetic! That is why I have issues with myself. I am jaded of it but... as much as I think about it, like how Cryst said in her MSN status... (more or less) "Why get upset with ONE person when there are TEN people who could make you happy?" She's got a point! Yet, still I feel pathetic!

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF NO ONE DOES!
HAHAHA!!

Oh God! Delirium is coming for me. This is bad. Dream often came. Desire left a scar in my heart. DELIRIUM and DESPAIR! Both coming for me at the same time! Erk... Destiny has ALWAYS been there for me. But Death, she is waiting for the right time to get me. I don't mind. We all face her later in life! Accepting it with open arms. It is all part of life!

I guess what I often thought was right... and what I wrote on my wall was right...

G.E.O.R.I.G.D!

Haha! That is for me to know and for you to find out! Only a few of my close friend would know the meaning of that. Honestly, I hate to admit it but that is the way it is!

Hmm... I am done bitching and whining now. I need to get off with my daily life which is boring as usual! Gotta go now. More later? Well, if I live that long! I have a hell lot of things to survive to!!

~Jezsiema

Just another one of those boring moments...

2005-05-06T22:35:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): ok
Current Colour: green
Current Music: Field of Innocence (Evanescence)
Current Annoyance: tummyache
Current Obsession: Amy Lee's voice
Current Location: My bedroom...

I am bored! So damn bored! I don't know what is up with my today. I have been in the mood to stay at home! Anyway... I want to use this chance to reveal a few things which are kind of well, hehe... unrevealed! :)

I am only 21 years old and I already have a hell lot of drama in my life! Believe me. I may be young but I already have issues with the world! It is sickening but the best part is... you learn from it all eventually.

I don't know. People don't seem to take me so seriously. Well, some people that is. Yet, I have many friends who come to me for advice and yet, they think my advices ALWAYS work! For instance, Clarance and Della. Now and then, Clare would send me an sms asking for advice and to think that he is like 2 years older than me? You see? And what he ask me? About how to handle a person like Della who is EXTREMELY stubborn!

The problem with me is I can give advice but when it comes to my own problems, I cannot do it alone! Weird but true. I think that is the way life is! It is weird with the outcome of life. Haha! Anyway, I don't really know how to talk about myself basically. So, moving on!

I was sitting in the car tonight when I thought of something. I think it was basically due to driving by that Pepsi Ice and Pepsi Fire poster near the market near the old courthouse!

The thing that got me thinking was the contrast! FIRE (hot) and ICE (cold). Beautiful contrast. You see... Yin and Yang, Black and White, Male and Female... there are BIG difference in life! :D

When there is Life there is Death. Yet both have their own difference although they blend beautifully together! Just the other day when Kak Yan, Abang Joy, Abang Alem and I went to Santubong beach to watch the sea... I was aware of a beautiful contrast! :) What was it that I saw?

The Fresh Water from the lake flowing into the Sea Water...
Both of the same element but there is a BIG difference. The source of water and the taste (quite honestly...) The beauty of it. The fresh water flowing towards the sea! And later, they will blend!
The Union of Water and Earth
The waves hitting the sands? Well, that is a powerful union! :) Think about it! ;D

Anyway, just thinking about it all makes me love the beach even more! Haha! No more talk of contrast! Now, it is all about the beach!

There are some reasons why I love the beach! Well, one of it basically is about the peace of mind I get from watching the waves hitting the sands. It brings me to another world where there seem to be no problems at all! It is like Neverland. Hehe. I know I tend to bring up weird terms into everything! For instance, The Dreaming for my dreamland! LOL! LalaLand does not exist anymore! LalaLand shall remain as my past. I have a future... a better place, hopefully. :)

I think over the years, I did change for better and for worse! I did develope this obsession for knives, sharp objects and blood but it changed. How? One person managed to pull me out of it! I don't know if he realised it but yes, he did! He saved me from the clutches of darkness. Thank you! :)

I think Morpheus is urging to go into his Realm! -_-" Good night all!

~Jezsiema

For You (You should know who you are!)

2005-05-04T11:35:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): depressed
Current Colour: grey
Current Music: Boulevard of Broken Dreams (Greenday)
Current Annoyance: myself
Current Obsession: tears
Current Location: CyberTrex

Dear You-Know-Who-You-Are,

Assalamualaikum, I know I made you angry today! Now, I know who you are. And I can sense in that anger, at least I know somewhere you care.

I don't know what to say now. I don't want to argue anymore...

Jaja

The Right Friends ~ A Blessing

2005-05-02T00:04:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): over the moon
Current Colour: yellow
Current Music: Foolish Games -fast version- (Jewel)
Current Annoyance: airy
Current Obsession: sleep!!
Current Location: my Bedroom

The last posting was crap! I had to go through a hell lot of scoldings! Hehe. Guys, I love you! :) Bro Destiny at the meanwhile gave me a fair warning! He said that if I "bury myself six feet under her will kick the soul into me!" Hehe! He also said that I have my "parents, my sister and her KISA, my monkey of a little sister, closest friends, Alem and him." The best bit of all is, he said, he didn't want to "regret *tunok-ing the entire Sandman comics for me!" (*tunok-ing - burning... tunok means burn with fire in local Malay but as for something light and easy we came up with weird terms!) Well, Nick and I became friends from the rantings we made in Embok Fariah's blog about a BLOG STEALER! (want me to mention your name, Bitch? Hahah! Nah, I am NOT that mean! HAHA! But I will be IF anyone I know gets their blog entries STOLEN BY YOU!) Moving on, Nick and I became friends there by agreeing with each other! :) It was a great time! I kept updating myself and others about the blog stealer. Haha! The beauty of someone who plans on ruining someone else's originality! HAHA!

Cryst at the meanwhile wrote something into her Xanga. *hugs* Thank you, Cryst. I really needed to read that to think about you guys! :) I am okay now after the whole Bro Nick and Abang Joy BRUSHING me! Haha! Okay! I will be good. I still want to feel someone's heartbeat, okay? :) (NOTE TO SAHAE: yes, yours)

I am just thankful that I have found the friends I need and can run to.

In life, well, there are many ups and downs. I happened to be in the downs lately but some people tried bringing me up! :) I thank them. I shall not mention any names because I might lose out some names. Oh well.

In life, as I was about to talk about, we all need someone to talk to. I have been keeping things to myself for too long and it ain't all that good. Now, things changed.

Anyway, I was on the phone with Abang Alem earlier on and we were talking about "FRIENDS". (Note: No names will be mentioned) Well, I am glad that he and Abang Joy were the ones who rescued me from the clutches of the most hypocritical human beings. If wasn't for my own will to getting to know Abang Alem or Abang Joy a little bit more or if I had believed in certain parties without getting to know them... I would have been against Abang Alem and Abang Joy! I am glad, I didn't. I am with them. Anyway, when I am WITH them, for some kind of beautiful odd reason... I feel safe. I feel protected. Seriously... I do feel that way with them around me. I will not forget the time when Abang Joy and I went to Zam's burger stall! And I hated the way Zam approached me. I wanted so bad to grab Abang Joy's arms and hide behind him! For once, I felt like Abang Joy's real sister. The way Zam looked at me spooks me. He looked like some rapist somewhere! ERKS!!! HONESTLY, he gives me the creeps!

Anyway, I was on the phone also with Seryna and Aishah (the two FOREVER BEST FRIENDS in my life). Well, with Seryna, I was recalling our memories in St. Marys in 1999. That was the best times in our lives.

How Seryna and I got close was a funny one! She was talking to someone, Ai Ling, I think about Yusry's bedroom and I got nosy and curious. So, I approached her and told her that I loved Boyzone! HAHA! Well, I knew Seryna in 1989 from kindy but we weren't that close until 1999, which was 10 years later! It all started from my nosiness and curiousity. Ever since, Seryna and I became so close... UP TILL TODAY! :) Girlfriend, 16 years and counting! :) Oh yes, whenever I look at my Independent sweater, I would remember The Sweater Girls! LOL!

Aishah and I - Well, Aishah was interested in making friends with me since 1997 but she heard about me being bossy and snobbish (crap people make when they hate you). She kept her eye on me until March 4th 1998, yes my birthday! :) She gave me Cadbury Chocolates! (I STILL REMEMBER, GIRL!!!) She gave me the MOST important thing on my birthday... no, not the chocolates... her friendship. Aishah and I became very close after that, thus, the story of me being lesbian in 1999. How did this story come about? Well, I dare say, whenever I see Aishah, I would give her a sisterly hug! Also, the fact that Aishah and I are always together! Wherever I go, she is there. Where she goes, I am there. We were like real sisters. Yet, some jealous parties made a story saying we were lovers! Oh well, I remember getting volcanic that day. But when I think about it now, I would laugh my head off! :) This is the ONE person I remember taking a LONG route JUST to look for a bank which was RIGHT in front of Tun Jugah! Hehe. We used the back way! HAHAHA!! One more thing, Aishah is the first of my friends who took me into her family... thus, her mother consider me her other daughter! *hugs*

I united Aishah and Seryna in 1999. I think it was partly because Aishah was transfered to 3.1 when I remained in 3.2! :) The three of us had crazy ideas! Example:- The Rubbish Bin Email and our usual 11 am Toilet Conference! Laughing Out Loud!

Yet, Seryna and I have the most memories where INSANITY is concerned. How? Well, we would sit at St. Mary's primary school EVERYDAY after school and make noise while eating Fries from Shelter! :) Instead of having our textbooks open before us, we had MAGAZINES opened! What were we looking for? KRU and Boyzone pictures! See how wonderful life is just by having friends like this? The most painful moment with Seryna is, 2000! She HAD to go to Brunei! :( But we kept in touch! Now, she is in Miri! :) So, it is easier for me to contact her!

Seryna, if you are reading my blog, I thank God for reuniting us in 1999! Hehe! It was a good time talking on the phone with you tonight! I missed you and Aishah a lot! If you come to Kuching, please let us know! And if Aishah and I end up in Miri, we will tell you! Hey, I will write a poem for both of you! :)

Besides them, I found great friends in Crystal, Sylvia, Jonathan and all others in my coursemates! :) They are supportive and I love them for that! Example, Cryst and Sylvia... they would contact me if I went missing! Haha! I appreciate that! Cryst, my loyal blog reader ALWAYS leave her mark in my tag board! Thanks, Girl! *hugs* Hehe... I remember Cryst sending me an MSN message asking me why I went MIA. I asked her why and she said, "Who else called us "Darling" in class?" Heheh! Oh well, I will see you all soon! :) Thanks for making my time in classes one of the best moments in my life! Haha! I appreciate it! And Cryst, thanks for the beautiful Xanga entry! :)

Other stuff...

Two blogs with pictures of ONE animal. Cats! Check out Embok Fariah's blog and Bro Nick's blog! Hehehe... BOTH CATS ARE SO CUTE! :) Hehehe... Enjoy!

Okay, it is getting rather late and Dream is here to take me to the Dreaming! *sighs*

ME: I AM COMING, DREAM!! HOLD ON!!

Oh well, this entry is dedicated to all... I want you all to know one thing... I may have not mentioned your name but I still appreciate your HONEST friendship! I love all of you! Don't worry! Also, I want you to know that, in FRIENDSHIP, I never thought of backstabbing! But, I will end up unforgiving if I do find out that you betray my trust. If I can do that to my cousins, I don't see why can't I do such to my friends who are not even related to me by blood? It makes me wonder... how come my friends appreciate me more than my own relatives? ESPECIALLY Abah's side of the family. That is the truth! That was ONE reason why I didn't want to know anyone on Abah's side UNTIL SAHAE came alone... Thank you, Dear... :) Yo te quiero tanto! :)

I promise someday, I am going to blog about my family! :) Hehe. Getting rather emotional now! :D

DREAM: JAJA, SLEEP!!! DO YOU WANT ME TO POUR MORE SAND INTO YOUR EYES?

ME: (lazily) COMING!!! LAST ONE!!! Ehehe...

Good night and God bless you all!

And...

Thank you for being there for me! :)

~Jezsiema...

Suicidal? A THOUGHT...

2005-05-01T10:49:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): suicidal
Current Colour: black
Current Music: Foolish Games (Jewel) - on repeat
Current Annoyance: the cold weather and the pain in my chest
Current Obsession: knives
Current Location: my bedroom

Have you heard of an emotion hypocrite? Bet you have if you knew me. Why? I am the Emotion hypocrite. I lie to everyone about my emotions. Most painful of all, I lie to myself that I am okay when I know that I am not okay. I learnt to do this when Mak passed away.

The secret is: That year, I was angry at Allah for taking her away from me. But, I grew older and I learnt that he loved her more. Then, I asked for forgiveness. (hopefully I was forgiven... hey, I was only 10 then!)

Yet, I have to admit, I come to know being suicidal when I hit 13. Yes, I hated my life when I went to St. Mary's Secondary School! All I felt was discrimination! That is partly why I hated St. Mary's. It became worst when I became 16. I became EXTRA angsty! I had the desire to play with knives and blood. It was weird but, that was me back then.

Overall, based on the short history... I am just CHEERFUL on the outside but GOTH on the inside. In my life, I tried committing suicide for more than 3 times. It wasn't a good thing to confess but that is the truth.

I have thought of something... I was sitting at the verandah when this thought came into my mind. I realised that I loved releasing pressure by going to the beach or by any body of water and go to high places and feel the wind blow!

I took a test once at one of the websites. My suicide method was DROWNING! Hmm... Weird, eh? I don't know. Nowadays, I don't feel as suicidal as I used to. The only thing that kept me away from being suicidal is writing poetry and remember those I love - family, friends, etc.

Religiously, it is wrong to be suicidal but we all have been through this feelings, right? So, it is kinda normal among society.

Everyday is a new beginning... Any day could be the ending... live life to the fullest...

~Jezsiema

Getting To Know You :)

2005-04-30T12:13:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): ok
Current Colour: blue
Current Music: Semua Tentang Kita (Peterpan)
Current Annoyance: airy
Current Obsession: food
Current Location: CyberTrex

This Entry Is Dedicated to Syed Abdul Halim @ Alem (Mohawk) ;D
(written by yours truly)

;

I did a hell lot of thinking about many things lately and one of it happened to be making new friends. I mean, misconception can really destroy a person! I mean, some other's people opinion about another person can be rather deceiving or misleading. In fact, that way it can cause a person to believe the lies of another person but when the truth comes out, when you find out the person you want to trust lied to you, that is where the pain really come about!

And yes...

I HATE THESE SORT OF LIES! NO!! Hate is too small a word to describe such thing. I DESPISE THAT KIND LIES!!!!!

See how this entry is dedicated to Alem.

A few months ago, I met someone whom I thought I could trust and take words for. Yes, she knew him before I did. She once told me that he hated her. Why? Here are the reasons why... She told me that she used to be close to him and that he was a good listener but then when she got close to Boy (some other chatter), Alem got jealous and took a game of annoying her. I took all chances of avoiding him after that. Yet time went on. I followed my heart. She wasn't online to take care of me, I took the chances of getting to know him. I got to know him and yes, what happened? I got to know him even better and yes, he is actually a nice guy! :) From his side of the story, I got the other picture. His was more reasonable, why? Why should a person be jealous of his own friend? (In this case, "friend") Some people don't think long terms. They tend to judge a book by its cover, which is fatal. Trust me, I know... Because I got tight in such situation. Now, things are what it seems. I think I know who I can depend on and who I cannot trust!

You see, friendship is all about exploring. What Alem did to me was unfair but I am thankful he did such thing! (what happened between us is to remain a secret) Well, what he did to me was reasonable to find out about a person. Maybe, he KNEW I was being INFLUENCED by someone's lies. Then I got to know him. The reason why he did such actions is to get to know me, which was wise. I didn't want to do the same because I believed someone else instead of myself. I shouldn't have been bias. I am glad, I didn't! :)

"NO ONE CALLS ME A BITCH BUT ME!"

Now, I learnt from a great teacher called EXPERIENCE! Experience taught me that in order to make friends with someone... to get to know that person, you need not other people's perspective. All you need is a little trust in yourself and a little bravery to get to know someone. NOT the perspective of another person. Experience taught me alot but sometimes it is just me who does not heed Experience's teaching. Stupid of me? Yes... stupid of me.

The sad bit is, the person who told me about Alem was a cousin I thought I could trust. Looks like this is the 2nd time a relative lied to me. Guess what... it is a girl!!

Alem, this entry is for you. Those were my thoughts and now, I am sharing it for all to know that FRIENDSHIP has to begin from your own heart... :) You were wrong and right about me as you told me. It was the same for me. I was wrong and right about you. I thank God every waking moment after I got to know you. Allah blesses you always!

~Jezsiema

Flattering myself!! Ehehe...

2005-04-29T11:55:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): ok
Current Colour: pink
Current Music: Mencintaimu (Krisdayanti)
Current Annoyance: airy
Current Obsession: Laksa Sarawak
Current Location: CyberTrex

Don't ask why pink.... -_____-" I am feeling cutesy. Hehehehe... there was a picture I took yesterday! HEHEHE!!! I cannot believe I am flattering myself but I think I do look cute.

I hate flattering myself but I don't look like myself AT ALL! AHAHAHAHAH! Okay, I think I am done here... I am done flattering myself to death! *ROTFL*

~Jezsiema

Rants

2005-04-27T16:25:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): pissed
Current Colour: orange
Current Music: Don't Cry (Guns n Roses)
Current Annoyance: sleepiness and tummyache
Current Obsession: wrathiness
Current Location: CyberTrex

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

Yes, I am in a good mood to curse! Don't ask me why I am in a bad mood! Haha! I just felt like it. I think mainly because I am hungry and if I do eat, I would end up puking! Is it just me or am I seeing skankiness everywhere! Hahaha! FUCK!

I am thinking about DBKU and MBKS's obsession for tax! HOW STUPID CAN THEY BE? Apis and Harmzah are watching the gathering's video taken by Landee! OH MY GOD! Thank goodness I brought my laptop with me today! Hahaha! Oh well. Man, my stomach is airy! HOLY FARCK!! Girls these days are such skanks! NO NOT ONLY THAT! HYPOCRITE!! Hey, which reminds me!

For the second time, someone in my family and sadly on Abah's side of the family, stabbed me on my back AGAIN! FUCK! HOW FUCKY CAN THAT GET? Damn! I am not going to elaborate because a few parties told me to remain calm over it all. When I told Alem about he and he was pissed. I couldn't stand it longer. I had to tell him the truth even if it hurts me alot! FUCK!! Just imagine. Someone I thought I could trust! SOMEONE I THOUGHT I COULD DEPEND ON! SOMEONE I THOUGHT WHO WOULD BE ON MY SIDE... STABBED ME ON MY BACK! FUCK!! Girl, you were WRONG about him! I know the fucking truth!

WHY IS IT ALWAYS LIKE THAT? I AM SO SICK AND TIRED! NO!! I AM MOTHER FUCKING JADED WITH THE ATTITUDE! AND IF I BECOME TOO HONEST, THERE WILL BE DISAPPOINTMENT, HEART BREAK AND SO FORTH! HOW FUCKY CAN THAT FUCKING THING GET? LIKE I DON'T HAVE FEELINGS MYSELF? WHY PEOPLE TEND TO FORGET THAT? I AM ALSO HUMAN! DON'T FORGET I, TOO, CAN FEEL HURT!! BITCH!

Hmm... I know that she have been sharing information with them! Like I am so stupid! Like I don't know! WHAT AM I? SOME STUPID LOOKING JENNYASS?

I am chill... I am chill...

This blog post is dedicated to you!

I thought I could trust you but I was fucking wrong! You told me I could tell you anything but I was wrong. I can't trust you! Now, I can see the real you. You cannot be trusted. I am sorry, I don't care if it hurts you... I don't give a shit anymore. I don't want to suffer because of you! I had enough. I truly have enough! I am jaded. I am sick and tired of your hypocrisy. If you are envious of me over something don't say you are not. Please, I am asking you now. Get the hell out of my private life! Thanks a lot, Bitch... Thanks a lot.

I am done with my rantings!

I hadn't really cursed for the past few days! So, today, it was a good chance to do so!

~Jezsiema

Akaka... My Baby Nec

2005-04-27T13:19:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): ok
Current Colour: purple
Current Music: Khayalan Tingkat Tinggi (Peterpan)
Current Annoyance: sleepy!
Current Obsession: nothing to existence
Current Location: CyberTrex

Haha... I am testing Baby Nec with Streamyx! WOO HOO!! FAST!! I am so happy. I cannot wait to get my own! :) I could go insane with Streamyx! Imagine all of the songs I can download! AHAH!! Oh well... moving on.

Anyway, I did thought of something about friendship. You see, the beauty of MIRC is finding friends but the UGLY bit is getting involved with the wrong people! Oh well, that is all part of life. One person getting involved with the wrong group of people. I know I did but then I was being pulled out by some kind people.

The friends I have now are the ones I always hang out with are the ones who saved me from getting into deep shit with certain parties. Oh well, unlike some stupid parties, I can think. Oh well... life... what is life without the stupidity of others?

Oh well, that is all part of life and God's will! I cannot do anything about it! :) SO, to those CONCERNED WITH STABBING ME AND SOME OTHER'S BACK, may Allah bless you! :D I may look like I have NOTHING against you but you made a bad point! To those backing me up and those I am backing up as well, UNITED WE STAND!! :)

And to the ONLY one: I love you so much... :)

~Jezsiema

In Dreams...

2005-04-26T04:58:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: blue
Current Music: Suara Hati Seorang Kekasih (Melly Goeslaw)
Current Annoyance: THAT time... -_-"
Current Obsession: nothing to existence
Current Location: my bedroom?

I hadn't been blogging lately... It is not that I don't want to but this stupid laptop is causing me problems AGAIN! I mean, when I blog my thoughts the post would ALWAYS DISAPPEAR! Stupid, eh? But when I can get into any page, I would be moodless to even do anything except chat! HAHA! Idiota! XD

I tried blogging at CyberTrex but my fingers are disorientated! I am so used with typing with Baby Nec that when I use a proper keyboard, I get disorientated! Hehe! Oh well, I hate this. I am getting a Blogger's Block AGAIN!!! This morning I was inspired but look at me now! I am yawning half my life away! Tsk!

I was reading Nick's blog! Well, the latest article was about Death, as in Death in general NOT the Sandman Death. It somehow made me thought about Mak. I remember dreaming a lot about her. I remember pretending that I was still lying in her arms and hearing her heartbeat. Yet not, I dream a lot about her telling me NOT to go over the fence. In dreams, she told me NEVER to trust the Light. It is the Light which lures one over the fence. Often in these dreams, I dreamt of being on a field of green grass with small yellow flowers... but suddenly, Mak often appears but behind a fence... a white fence, waving at me. Behind her, was a bright light. I would often run towards her and attempt to climb over but she would push me off to my side of the fence and scold me. Sometimes, I would feel offended. But when I wake up into reality. I understand why she did such thing. She loved me and thought my mission on Earth has not been fulfilled. She loved me so much. She loved all of us so much... she would even protect us when she is not on Earth with us.

Fifteen years ago... A promise was made... A promise between a child and a nanny. A painful promise. An unexpectable promise. I kept it a secret for too long. It is time that people should know something about "The Promise".

The Child was sitting down with an Old Lady while the Old Lady plaits the Child's curly hair.
The Child: Mak, will you be there when I get married?
The Old Lady: Yes, Child... I will be there to make my baby girl the prettiest bride ever.
The Child: *giggles*

That was all I remembered. Yet... Death came for her one day... She took Mak with her.

Eleven years ago... The Child's mother knocked urgently on the room door. The Child was already ten years old. The Child in her room, not knowing anything opened the door. Her mother hugged her tightly as tears rolled down.

The Child: Mummy, what is wrong?
The Mother: Child, your Nanny passed away.
The Child: WHAT? *cries*
The Mother: Do NOT tell you sister in the States, Child...

I remember that day. It was the 3rd day of Ramadhan. Three days after the Gates of Hell close. The one thing I remembered most was... getting angry. For a 10 year old, I got angry with the ONE 'person' NO ONE should EVER get angry with... Allah. I was because He took the one I loved from me. The one who gave me unconditional love.

BUT...

As I got older, I learnt, Allah loved her most and didn't want her to suffer any longer. Allah sent the Angel of Death to take her because He didn't want her to suffer anymore. He loved her more than anyone did. Allah, I pray to thee... May Mak find happiness by thy side. -al-Fatihah-

~In Loving Memories of Mak~

~Jezsiema

Hmmm... Thinking about it... :(

2005-04-21T01:23:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: blue
Current Music: Karna Ku Sayang Kamu (Dygta)
Current Annoyance: airy tummy! -_-"
Current Obsession: sappiness
Current Location: my bedroom

I hadn't been blogging for quite a while now. Been doing a lot of private studying! I look like I am enjoying but well, I am not! I am studying! Hmm...

Anyway, lately, I think I found my Destiny. I hope it is! :)

Also, I think I am sick as well. I vomitted today! And noticed blood along with it. Kak Yan was kinda worried as Abang Joy said. Hmm... I don't know what had gotten into me lately. The thing is I ate rice today and that never happened until today! WEIRD!! And this got Alem worried, too! :(

Gosh... What the hell is happening to me? I think I over studied somehow! HAHA!

I think I better sleep now. I am sleepy and tired. Don't want Alem to worry now? :P For once I know a YOUNG Syed who can treat a person like a person! Well, except cousin Alwi, who constantly tease me liking Ryan Ridu! AIYOK!! Everytime during Raya or anytime at Grandauntie Nachik's house, when Alwi is there. He will have a CORKY look on his face! -_-" And I would be like, "ALWI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And he will be grinning like some Cheshire Cat! -_-" that is my cousin for all of us!

GOOD GOD!! I SHOULD STOP! NIGHT!!

~Jezsiema

AH!

2005-04-18T14:27:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): pissed off
Current Colour: red
Current Music: some Peterpan Song
Current Annoyance: some things are left unspoken
Current Obsession: nothing
Current Location: CyberTrex

God have mercy upon me! I am pissed! It is so sudden! Mainly because I didn't have enough sleep last night. ^O^

Mac.

One small animal. A CAT! ONE SMALL CREATURE CONQUERING MY SINGLE SIZED BED! Ah! A PUNY LITTLE THING!! A TINY LITTLE CREATURE CONQUERING MY BED! MY FUCKING BACK HURTS!!!!!!

Enough rants~ that is NOT the main reason.

The other thing that got me is the stupid person renting room to Lydia! How stupid can one get? Knowing that Lydia is ONLY a student, she should at least consider Lydia's condition! You cannot let a STUDENT with NO JOB to actually pay her rent TWICE in a month! It was in the contract that if Lydia missed paying once she could use her deposit money after August. STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where is the bitch? Well, she is in Australia... probably GAMBLING somewhere, perhaps with my Grandfather's MONEY LOVING WIFE! (Mummy's step-mother...)

AH!!

Got to go now. I don't want to rant too much!

~Jezsiema

Grrr...

2005-04-17T21:18:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: grey
Current Music: Hole In My Soul (Aerosmith)
Current Annoyance: some stupid email!
Current Obsession: poems
Current Location: My bedroom

I bought the USB Speakers from CyberTrex today! WOO HOO!! And yes, Schweppes Lime! That is it! I AM ADDICTED!!

Hmm... I don't know what I will get addicted to next! Ahh... Hmm... Which reminds me of addiction... CHOCOLATES!! I have always been addicted to chocolates! Akakaka! Hehehe... I have been a bit fed up blogging because when I do blog my entries would disappear!! X(

Sometimes I need to get out of reality and out of my own mind...
I need to get out but I still don't know what to find...
I just need to get out...
And drown lonely away from the crowd...
Creatures of the night are rare, deadly and beautiful,
Why blood is the obsession of this fool?
Learn to take things lightly dearest world,
Anyone is only one in this world...
The night is dark and beautiful but deadly,
In pitch darkness we all walk blindly,
Blood flow gently down from my pale skin,
Why does despair and delirium often win?
The light at the end of the tunnel gets brighter,
But this heart to go back into the bright gets heavier,
I like the darkness for it has been a part of me,
I will stay if there is where I should be...
The light calls me by my name,
Yet the hate and wrath remain the same,
As the red wine turns older,
Unlike life the wine taste sweeter and sweeter...
Hiding my face with a smiling mask,
I feel like a dying harlequin waiting for dusk,
The love I feel for you has yet to start,
I will love you till death do us part...
I watch blood flowing from the deep cut I have made,
Why does this world come by with so much hate?
The bed of roses looks like it is getting dry,
How I wish like the roses I could lay down to die...

I am bored! I really am. I think I want to play Rise of Nations! Haha! I want to battle Apis! Ekeke... Anyway, lately, I have been well, missing in action and yes, Cryst noticed that I hadn't been blogging! Blogger's Block! XD

I have a bloody funny feeling that I will lose this entry! DAMN IT! Okay, gotta go now!

~Jezsiema

More Bad Luck, eh? =_="

2005-04-14T01:28:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: grey
Current Music: Runaway (The Corrs)
Current Annoyance: some stupid email!
Current Obsession: poems
Current Location: MY ROOM!

Damn... Bad luck strikes again!

Jaring sent an e-mail to Mummy saying that someone used this account to HACK! Damn! I don't whether to laugh or cry!

Abang Man said that dial ups often go through this problem. And he did mention that there must be a confusion! IP confusion! Everywhere there is a different IP.

In this case, it is a possibility because Mummy uses this account in the office as I use this account at home.

Too much to think about. My chest hurts just by thinking about it!

~Jezsiema

G o t h i q u e ^ D e a t h

sings Hotel California

2005-04-11T15:12:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: grey
Current Music: Hotel California (The Eagles)
Current Annoyance: inability to go online at home!!
Current Obsession: nothing
Current Location: CyberTrex (Satok)

Gosh! I cannot go online still at home! :( The stupid rats are still using my internet access! :P I am so damn bored!!

Ask me why! I tell now!!!

I am desperate for access online!!

If I do end up insane... I would sign up for Streamyx!! Hehe. I tried telling Mummy that dial-up is way more expensive but will she listen? Hmm... I don't know any more... Hehe... Oh well, as long as CyberTrex is still around! Hehehe!

ARGH!!! I have so much to blog but the problem is right... the problem is... I cannot log on online! AND... I don't know how to use a normal PC keyboard anymore!! I ALWAYS press the wrong thing!! Grr...

That makes me fed up!!

Anyway, another earthquake was reported at Sumatera! Hmm... the Wrath of God! I wanted to blog about it but the thing is I am internetless! HAHAHA!!

I guess here I shall end! I am not sure if Abang Man is done with my laptop!

Erk!! I am bored! I want to go home but I cannot log on!! WAAA!!! I am bored!!

I am not trying to be suicidal because I am already bored to death!!!!!!

Yeap, that is my QUOTE of the day!!!!

~Jezsiema

G o t h i q u e ^ D e a t h

This Unfortunate Soul Whines

2005-04-09T11:07:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: grey
Current Music: Maafkanlah (Dygta)
Current Annoyance: inability to go online at home!!
Current Obsession: nothing

I am at Cyber Trex. Bloody hell the phone line at home! I cannot log on! :(

FUCK!!

I will blog when it is free for me to do so!!

~Jezsiema

G o t h i q u e ^ D e a t h

Gosh~!

2005-04-08T19:46:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: grey
Current Music: Relax, Don't Do It (Duran Duran)
Current Annoyance: boredom
Current Obsession: nothing

Tomorrow is the Malaysian Idol auditions! Do I want to be honest? Okay, I will. I want to join! But! YES, THERE IS A CATCH! I've got classes and well, strict parents! =/ Oh well. Sylvia was supportive! Hehe! :D

Kitty Cat Dance is CUTE!!

Gotta go... too many windows open!! :-s

~Jezsiema

G o t h i q u e ^ D e a t h

Stealing Bone

2005-04-08T16:42:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: grey
Current Music: This Ain't Love Song (Bon Jovi)
Current Annoyance: boredom
Current Obsession: making the Ju-On sound

Bwahahahahaha!!!!!! Saying HI!!

~Jezsiema

Oh... My... Gawd!!! imagine the way I said it

2005-04-07T22:58:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: grey
Current Music: Caged (Within Temptation)
Current Annoyance: mixed up thoughts
Current Obsession: ... none to existence ...

OH.........

MY............

GOD........................................................!!

I regretted calling Joe back! I really DO!! I shouldn't have called him back!! I REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE!!

No... I am not going to lose my head! Damn, I hate this... Just as when I am afraid of falling in love with someone! Look, HE IS NOT MY TYPE and yes, I don't want certain parties to get extremely angry at me again!

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it oepns up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
Rose Walker (Sandman Comics)

Look, this is what I agree with now! Read the whole thing. It is true what Rose said! Being in love is like that. It is said in a simple way. It is easy to understand.

I don't want to regret anything anymore! NO MORE!! I don't want any more regrets! Beside, some people will make a big huha about it all! I don't want! Gosh, I want solitude! I don't want to be in love with anyone anymore! It hurts too much! It is beautiful at first but then after sometime, it will shatter! I don't want! It is BAD enough the ONE person I loved once was the ONE PERSON I DIDN'T WANT TO LET GO BUT I HAD TO LET GO! I don't want to love someone and then adding up losing him again! The way I did with *someone*. No more! Heartaches are more painful than emotional cuts! I am more willing to cut myself physically rather than cutting my emotions! The scar will remain deep and painful when emotions are involved. No more, please! I don't want to be hurt because of love again.

"Love is like the SLOWEST form of suicide!"

It is true! Falling in love is like trying to kill yourself! Okay, enough about that! All I know is, I don't want to get involve in love relationships AGAIN!

With Joe, I should start lying! Well, I did! When he let his heart out, I said that I don't want to think about it! I want to think more about my studies and he said, "If you need someone, I am always there!" OH MY GOD!! But I thought about this, "Yeah, when I fly off somewhere to continue study, you might be married when I come home!" Gosh...

And he said that I was a nice person! Me? PLEASE! If I was, why did I ever breakup with *someone*? Oh well... Darn it! *sighs* Joe, I am sorry, I don't want to fall in love with you or anyone for that matter! What was sickening as well, somebody (no names shall be mentioned, he/she doesn't want to get killed) told me that Abang Syah said that a person would be lucky if he were to by my boyfriend! He saw me growing up. The one person beside my parents and sisters to see me grow up has to be him. He hated me so much when I turned 16 until after my STPM! Hehe. Hated as in, hated my immature attitude!! He said I wasn't a nice person then! He said I was like some sort of parasite! Haha! Now, he noticed that I keep a hell lot of things to myself. Abang Syah says that now I am well... me! Haha! I don't know. He seem to know me more than any of my friends do! My family, of course, should know me better than him!

I got to stop now. I am getting tired and sleepy. Brother Morpheus called me quite a number of times but I ignored him! Brother Destiny is out there somewhere. Besides, I want to FORGET the conversation!

~Jezsiema: a VERY sleepy Death...

G o t h i q u e ^ D e a t h (new)

Rather colourful! :)

2005-04-07T20:04:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): ok
Current Colour: orange
Current Music: October (Evanescence)
Current Annoyance: mixed up thoughts
Current Obsession: TWIGGIES... still

Well, its been 30 minutes since I reached home. I am tired. And you know, I forgotten about St. Thomas' Sports Day! I got the news and results. Here are the results...

Noel
Hose
McDougall
Chambers
Mounsey
Logie

Well... Hmm... If wasn't for Ghazali to call me up and tell me about it, I wouldn't have known! Hmm... McDougall at third place. Not too bad! :) Oh well...

Jee... I don't know what else! OH MY GOD! Derrick, Camillus and I were 'chatting' on a piece of paper today about Alberto. I will blog it NOW!

C: Camillus
D: Derrick
J: Jezsiema

J: Camillus, from what I understand, during our open book test for Contract Law the other day, Alberto copied yours and scored higher than you. Correct?
D: Yes
C: From what I saw. Why?
J: How many questions did he do? Only one? You see, I blogged about my discomfort with Alberto and Michelle and there were hot comments on my tagboard!
D: 2 questions. Dunno what happened to Mr. Ong's eye.
C: He did two question one is 19/25 and another is 14/25. Fuk copied mine score better than me and answer less than me.
D: Yalor. Mr. Ong buta or Buta Huruf I think.
J: I saw he wrote on ONE PIECE OF PAPER! Aiyo, I wrote quite long yet. Well, you ppl be careful with him. That's a PARASITE! Because I've been through it, too! Be careful of Michelle alos! That's why I am NOT close to them anymore.
D: That's why I say Mr. Ong Buta & Buta Huruf.
C: No lar, later exam then see lor. Now nevermind.
D: Yalor. Let them study 1 more yr!
J: Haha! Like yesterday Mr. Ong ask question he don't know how to answer! That's enough proof. Eh... not enough but makes it quite obvious! Suku he! Like what they say, kong bong bok yong! Correct, ar?
(At the sight of Camillus scribbling the table with his highlighter)
J: CAMILLUS! LIABLE UNDER S. 1 (1) CDA!
D: Yalor, draw table...
C: What, sue me lar!
D: Burn his fat! Slap him nia! Provoking ppl to slap him! Compensation!
J: No lah... I'm liable for S.1 (1) CDA also what! Hahaha! Got something to blog about! =)
D: Sama-sama jadi tertuduh lah! Duh... So fren, go jail together lor...
C: Hey I did erase it?
D: Withdrawal is not valid for criminal offences.
J: Hahaha! The saying goes; "A friend will bail you out of jail only a good friend will have his ass in there with you saying, 'That was fun!'"
D: What are frens for? Obviously...
C: Ok. Prosecute me. By the way I'm already dead. And can't rest.
J: I'll get a good lawyer for you!
D: Fxbian Lxx
J: excellent! XD
D: Talented, dependable, responsible! Go to hell!!!

See? These are the future of justice! But as I think about it, we might outgrow this insanity! I will blog later! I think!

~Jezsiema: prays that this post goes through!!

This Morning... NOTHING! X(

2005-04-07T10:48:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): ok
Current Colour: orange
Current Music: My December (Josh Groban)
Current Annoyance: chest pain... small ones, too!
Current Obsession: TWIGGIES!!

Oh God! I am addicted to Twiggies! It may be OVERWHELMINGLY sweet but I am already addicted to it! Anyway, I am sure Abang Man and Landee finished theirs when I just started on mine! -_-"

Anyway, I got scolded by Mummy yesterday for not eating much. Sheesh... hehe... I can't help it if I don't have the appetite to eat! I don't know what the hell happened to me but that is the truth. I don't really feel like eating. The sickening part is, when I am hungry, after eating, I feel like puking it all out again. Mummy said if I always say I don't want to eat at the end of the day I would get sick! Hmm...

I was looking at the outlay of my blog... hmm... I need to change a few stuff! Well, like the quote of the month, emotion and yes, I need to modify a few things! I have gone HTML crazy since I knew how to deal with HTML! Hahaha! The beauty of it all is it is NOT VERY difficult! Haha! But, there is a catch, as a first timer, I went berserk! I nearly lost my cyber sanity! Haha! Oh well, I cannot help it! It is like reading a very good book! Once you've started on it, you don't want to stop! Haha! That is the way it is!! Grr... Hehe... :)

I cannot wait to go for Criminal Law class today! I don't know why but I seriously cannot wait! It is BAD ENOUGH I CALLED MR. BONG, MR. TAN!! *blushes* I know, I miss Mr. Tan! HAHA!! Hey, Mr. Tan is a good lecturer!

Why is it when I think about my classes now, I often enjoy myself? I enjoy most when I am sitting with Cryst and the gang along with Camillus and the gang! Hehe. It gets worst when Camillus, Jonathan and I start singing Somewhere Out There (American Tales' OST)! Seriously! Haha! But things get too hard to handle when the most of us at the back start goofing around!! Just imagine, the few of us can make a place sound like as if there is a whole roomful of us! I think it is fun!

SHEESHH!!! I was busy yada-ing about myself and what happened or what is happening until I forgot that I've got another blog. It is a Friendster one, too! -_-" Hmm... I will get the hang of it eventually. As soon as I can get the templates for the entries then I will work on it but I won't focus much there. I am a blogspot person! I AM A BLOGGER NOT A XANGAN OR A LIVE JOURNALIST! :D Blogspot is easier to handle! :) Oh well! Haha. It is ALSO called The Bed of Roses! I want to make it look more Goth but then... gee... Anyway, I noticed and just realised that Haloscan is providing the commenting services! I think! Looks like Haloscan! And here I thought that BLOGSPOT was slow!! ARGH!!!

COMMERCIAL BREAK!!!!!!

Wait... me gotta go... :P

~Jezsiema

Today's Story...

2005-04-06T20:08:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): over the moon
Current Colour: yellow
Current Music: All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You (Heart)
Current Annoyance: tummyache
Current Obsession: grinning

I feel good today! Well, today I went to class in the morning lazily but then cheerfully! When I woke up this morning, it was like the day was bright and sunny when it was gloomy outside! Oh well... anyway, I brought Abah's contract law book for reference today and well, Mr. Ong made my day!! *grins* He asked me a question based on the question paper given to us and he said that such old book might be able to give us something. It was about the letter Abel sent to Bill asking whether it was first edition prints (CORRECT ME IF I AM WRONG, LAW CLASSMATES)... and for once I answered him in a non-layman term! Hehehe! *nose flares* Well, my thanks to Jeanette for helping me out in my blur moment! Haha! Then I started laughing and I said, "Yes, Mr. Ong, for once I am NOT using layman terms!" He nodded and said, "You are very cheerful." *nose flares again* And I smiled and giggled. "We need more people like you..." I think it was due to my comment about him saying he was pulling our legs and I opened my fat mouth and said, "Yes, but there are some people who can't take jokes and they are the wet blankets!" Mr. Ong agreed with me! About me being cheerful, well, Cryst pat me on my shoulder and said, "Cheerful on the outside, Goth on the inside..." Well, I only smiled because this can be true. Sometimes, when I am smiling or laughing but deep down inside me, I am not all that happy. I am good at that... good at lying my emotions!

*sighs* I am bored. It is official! Haha! Oh yea, I am back to downloading 80s rock! I have Roxette, Heart and even Joan Jett! :D I am bored. That is it. No more, no less. Hehehe! I am bored to the bone!

I have so much to say but then I forget! Hmm... oh yes, yesterday I was been informed that Michelle complained to Sulie saying that I am stubborn! Haha! Yeah, stubborn to sign their attendance? Oh well, I am NOT stupid like her to actually malinger from classes! She and Alberto are now trying hard to fit in the class! Haha! I can see it! But I know that people in the class don't really like them because they are the anti-social gits! As for me, if I was still 'loyal' to them... I think the people in class would have hated me like hell! I became close to people like Cryst, Sylvia, Jeanette, Camillus, Derrick, Jeffrey and the others because they came to the house for Raya and well, I realised that, "Hey, I have more fun with these people than I have with people like Michelle or Alberto!" I am serious. When I used to hang out with them, I had difficulty paying attention in class! Lyn, I am sorry, it goes the same for you. I cannot. You guys happened to be the minority who thought about enjoying all the time. Lyn's reason to me for not coming down for classes was kind of stupid... HONESTLY, she didn't want to bother us studying! Hmm... hello? Are you not worried? =/

Really, I cannot stop thinking about it. I know that they MIGHT be taking the exams next year but please at least think about it! GAH!!

Anyway, I will blog when I have the mood to do so. All I am afraid now is that this blog DOES NOT GO THROUGH THE SAME WAY IT DIDN'T LAST NIGHT!!

~Jezsiema

PS- Sylvia is still trying hard to persuade me to join Malaysian Idol... =/ *ponders*

What the....? Hehehe!! MOOD SWINGING

2005-04-05T21:58:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: blue
Current Music: Pale (Within Temptation)
Current Annoyance: sleepiness
Current Obsession: nothing

Something happened... today... but I cannot remember! Gosh, I have been rather forgetful lately! Yes, yesterday, Tugger was found dead... he died in the bed of flowers! Abang Hap buried him today. Poor thing... I missed Tugger already! But I am on a mission... to take Scruffy's beautiful eyes!

Oh yeah, I had 4 scratches from Mac! Hehe! My fault. Why? I scratched his stomach last night and due to being annoyed he scratched me! Oh well, the beauty of cats! :)

Hmmm... Check this out! I wrote this during break time at Constitutional Law (didn't I Thomas? I think I did!! Hmmmm....)

When Hell touches the surface of Earth,
Everything will turn priceless and without a worth,
The human race will painfully and slowly fall to die,
The little Angels at this sight break down and cry...

The Earth ruled by only Chaos,
People would rebel without a cause,
Temptation and desire to do is only evil,
Conversations would only be spoken as a riddle...

When sweet love turns to bitter hate,
Wrath, hatred are mixed and made,
The hopeless and the lonely gets extra insecure,
The Holy search only for whatever left that is pure...

It is said that God leaves a window open,
Even if turtle doves die by the dozen,
At the end of the tunnel there should be some light,
But within the darkness we continue to hide...

Until the light breaks through the darkness,
We will all celebrate with joy showing in our tears,
Love will continue to spread over us and hatred will not exist,
But now we can only pray for world peace...

Hmm... I don't know... but it didn't sound... all that right... Hehehe! Oh well... I don't know but then these thoughts of mine are really scrabbled up! HEHE!! I mean, I have been over the moon for the past few days and I don't know for what reason!! Weird but... I have been feeling like a Cheshire Cat!

Love sick... huahahahaha!!

SHUT UP!! That is what my conscience say! Hmm! I am not. I don't want to fall in love now. Wait... I am falling in love... with... OH MY GOD!!! The Nissan Skyline GTR34 at Deshon Road! Wait...! I have been in love with that car! :) Hehe! Hmm... I am bored now. There is nothing I can post now! I am blur. So many things happened and yet I forgot! Jeez... this is bad! Hmm... but the best part of today is Thomas and I during Constitutional Law class! If anyone had a videocam would have caught us on tape. Just play Mr. Bombay's Taxi song... we were like dancing to it while listening to Thomas' iPod! Another priceless moment? Totally! :) It was like one of the nicest moments. Yeah... oh yeah...

Oh yes... mentioning on classes got me started!! Michelle told Sulie something which made me feel interested and curious. She told Sulie that I am stubborn! She also said that if I asked someone to do something and no one listen to me I would get angry! Wait... Yeap, that is it! :D She told that to Sulie. I know why! HAHA!! She says I am stubborn because whenever she tells me to sign in for her or Alberto I would NOT sign in for them!! HAHAHAHA! STUPID!! Hear me rant!! I am in that mood now! *taking about violent mood swings... this is it!* I will rant in Malay since that is like the ONLY strong language they know! Oh yes, my other classmates, YOU GUYS REALLY NEED TO KNOW THIS...

DEAR DONKEY BERTO AND DONKEYNA MICHELLE,

Hoi! Ko duak pikir ko duak ya terrer gilak ka? Mun ko duak terrer nak? Pahal ko duak selalu sik pat nyawab soalan lecturer? Jangan ko duak pikir aku sik tauk yang ko ada anok aku! Aku sik duli juak bah. Aku tauk aku sik salah! HAH! Aku tauk yang ko duak anok aku tok keras kepalak. Nang pun bah! Aku sik maok nyalahguna rule kat kolej. Aku bukannya kdak ko duak! Aku tauk yang aku exam taun tok! Oh yes, NYAMAN ASA KO DUAK KENAK WARNING LETTER YA! HAH! Oh yes, ko duak sure heran pahal aku sik kenak howh? Mok tauk kenak? Aku slalu apply leave, bodo! Lewat na juak susah gilak mok agak George nok bait and sporting ya. Mun sik minat mok blajar gik bait iboh! Jadi DBKU! Eh, no... BALIT KE TEMPAT MASING-MASING! Ko iboh mok ngaco urang lam kelas! Aku tauk... ko duak cuba fit in lam kelas... HAH!! Tapi sik pat... urang lam kelas jarang nangga muka ko duak. You think they trust you? I don't think so! Toe, aku tauk kelas contract ri ya... Ko cuba niru Camillus. SIK MALU KAH KO YA!! Sik sedar kedirik!! Pandei mok anok aku! Tapi sik sedar kedirik!! Michelle, lain crita... Aku MALU bila Mr. Ong ambik attendance! "Oh, Michelle should take Q.U.I.T" Aku malu mok tauk kenak? Aku ambik course Q.U.T. I am sure the others malu juak! Tentu ko urang heran pahal aku slalu duduk blakang ngan member Crystal and sidak Jeffrey. Mok tauk kenak? Aku lebih selesa ngan sidak nya! Ko urang patut syukur yang Sulie dan Debie agik tahan perangey ko duak! Aku dah start sik tahan! Menar ku padah! Aku dah menar-menar sik tahan! Asa nangga nombor telepon ko duak, sure nyuruh sign! Aku fed up bah! Tegal ya lah Mr. Ong slalu ambik attendance! Tegal ko orang. Mun sik minat mok blajar iboh. Kerja jak. Michelle, keja nyondal ka? Cukuplah. Toe, ko jadi male-slut cukup. Pegi Rentap ngan jantan sekok ya! Ingat jak. Mun ko duak mok molah hal ngan aku, jangan nak harap aku akan lepaskan ko duak. Backup ku banyak! So, jangan nak macam-macam! Aku nyesal bermember ngan ko duak dolok eh! Menar-menar nyesal! But now, aku sik asa kesal gik! HAHA! Aku dah sedar bah sapa ko duak sebenarnya. Michelle, ko iboh mok bulak... aku tauk ko dengki ngan Lyn. Aku tauk ko suka ngan Berto! Muahaha!! Dari dolok gik bah! Aku dapat nangga!

Jaja (I may look stupid or innocent... think twice!)

Stupid, eh? To those understanding the language, now the picture is clear why I rant about them! :) I will translate for others to read. Soon.

Gotta go now. I am getting blur! Darn it!

~Jezsiema

Bed of Roses? =/ Hmm... and other stuff!

2005-04-04T15:41:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: blue
Current Music: Bed of Roses (Bon Jovi)
Current Annoyance: HOT!!
Current Obsession: ...

I have the mood to post lyrics. Oh yes. Today at Contract... well... towards the end of the class... we got a little out of hand... bursting in laughters! Mr. Ong was lecturing, as usual when he mention this case: Strongman V Sincock. Then, what happened? 1/3 of the class started laguhing like mad! I only laughed because Mr. Ong emphasized on the word 'cock'! Then, when the second time Mr. Ong mentioned it, IT HIT ME! STRONG MAN and SIN COCK. Jeffrey opened his mouth and said, 'Strong man has a very sinful cock!' Hehehe. Oh well... *grins*

The lyrics I want to post! Hehe! Hey, I realised that Bon Jovi like to use ROSES, well, in some of his songs! Hehe... *sighs* I want to munch on something! And I want to watch some movies! I am supposed to post in some pictures but I am clueless on what to write! Haha!

Bed of Roses
(Bon Jovi)

Sitting here wasted and wounded
At this old piano
Trying hard to capture
The moment this morning I don’t know’cause a bottle of vodka
Is still lodged in my head
And some blond gave me nightmares
I think she’s still in my bed
As I dream about movies
They won’t make of me when I’m dead

With an ironclad fist I wake up and
French kiss the morning
While some marching band keeps
Its own beat in my head
While we’re talking
About all of the things that I long to believe
About love and the truth and
What you mean to me
And the truth is baby you’re all that I need

I want to lay you on a bed of roses
For tonite I sleep on a bed on nails
I want to be just as close as the holy ghost is
And lay you down on bed of roses

Well I’m so far away
That each step that I take is on my way home
A king’s ransom in dimes I’d given each night
Just to see through this payphone
Still I run out of time
Or it’s hard to get through
Till the bird on the wire flies me back to you
I’ll just close my eyes and whisper,
Baby blind love is true

I want to lay you down on a bed of roses
For tonite I sleep on a bed on nails
I want to be just as close as the holy ghost is
And lay you down on bed of roses

The hotel bar hangover whiskey’s gone dry
The barkeeper’s wig’s crooked
And she’s giving me the eye
I might have said yeah
But I laughed so hard I think I died

When you close your eyes
Know I’ll be thinking about you
While my mistress she calls me
To stand in her spotlight again
Tonite I won’t be alone
But you know that don’t
Mean I’m not lonely I’ve got nothing to prove
For it’s you that I’d die to defend

I want to lay you down on a bed of roses
For tonite I sleep on a bed on nails
I want to be just as close as the holy ghost is
And lay you down on bed of roses

Yeah... That is one song by Bon Jovi... There is another one I want to post! Hehe... I loved that song since I first heard it in 1996! :) Yeah, the word 'roses' appears! ;D PRESENTING...

This Ain't Love Song
(Bon Jovi)

I should have seen it coming when roses died
Should have seen the end of summer in your eyes
I should have listened when you said good night
You really meant good bye
Baby, ain’t it funny, how you never ever learn to fall
You’re really on your knees, when you think you’re standing tall
But only fools are "know-it-alls" and I played that fool for you

I cried and I cried
There were nights that died for you baby
I tried and I tried to deny that your love drove me crazy, baby

If the love that I got for you is gone
If the river I cried ain’t that long
Then I’m wrong, yeah I’m wrong, this ain’t a love song

Baby, I thought you and me would stand the test of time
Like we got away with the perfect crime but
We were just a legend in my mind
I guess that I was blind
Remember those nights dancing at the masquerade
The clowns wore smiles that wouldn’t fade
You and I were the renegades, some things never change

It made me so mad ’cause I wanted it bad for us baby
Now it’s so sad that whatever we had, ain’t worth saving
If the love that I got for you is gone
If the river I’ve cried ain’t that long
Then I’m wrong, yes I’m wrong, this ain’t a love song

If the pain that I’m feeling so strong
Is the reason that I’m holding on
Then I’m wrong, yeah I’m wrong - this ain’t a love song

I cried and I cried
There were nights that I died for you baby
I tried and I tried to deny that your love drove me crazy

If the love that I got for you is gone
If the river I cried ain’t that long
Then I’m wrong, yeah I’m wrong - this ain’t no love song

If the pain that I’m feeling so strong
Is the reason that I’m holding on
Then I’m wrong, yeah I’m wrong - this ain’t a love song

If the pain that I’m feeling so strong
Is the reason that I’m holding on
Then I’m wrong, yeah I’m wrong - this ain’t a love song
Yes, I’m wrong, yeah, I’m wrong - this ain’t a love song
Yes, I’m wrong, yeah, I’m wrong - this ain’t a love song
Yes, I’m wrong, yeah, I’m wrong - this ain’t a love song

Yeap!! :) Oh my God! It is such a hot day!! I am due to take the brat in 17 minutes! Ah! When I go there early, I have to wait for quite a long time. But when I am a little late, she complains that she have been sitting there for a long time!

Oh God!! I am bored! Really I am! I am sleepy but I don't want to sleep now. I cannot sleep now! NURIL!!

Honestly, I am having a sentimental moment alone in my room... wait... HOT HOT HOT room. Hmm... I have Bon Jovi on repeat... (Bed of Roses and This Ain't Love Song)

Yeah? I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT! HEHE!

SHUT UP! Excuse my conscience... -___-" This is the moment where I feel like writing a story but the problem is... when I do start... I don't finish it! I mean, when I have ideas flowing that is the time when I am feeling lazy! Okay, I am done posting lyrics! ;D Hehe... Lalala. What can I post? Hmmm........ *ponders*

Pictures?

... Pictures? Hehe. Now that is a good idea! :) Oh yeah, I can kill two birds with one stone. I have a picture of Death quoting one of my favorite quotes! :)

She's got a point! You see the ankh? It is her sigil! :) And... to the ancient Egyptians... it symbolises... LIFE.

Again... Death is right. :) But trust me on this one. No matter how Goth she looks like, the next picture will give you the shock of your lives. I was quite shock when I first saw it! Hehe! And considering she is supposed to be a Reaper!

Hehehe... that guy there is her younger brother, Dream! And on his head is Matthew the Raven! It is a cute picture actually! Hehe. Gosh! She quoted from Mary Poppins! Hehe! Oh yes... MARY POPPINS!! Hehehe... I think it is cute!! Hmm... I am in that mood where I want to post pictures and more pictures! Hehe! There is another picture where she said Peachy Keen? Something like that! Hehe. Gosh! Hehe! You know, when I think about it, all of the Endless siblings are cool! :) But when it comes to words... Dream is awesome! He ALWAYS has nice words of wisdom!

Oh yes, John Constantine did appear in one of the comics! He, if I am not wrong, helped Dream in something. In return, Dream took away all nightmares from Constantine! :) Speaking of Constantine... I want to watch that movie again... although I am aware that Constantine in the movie has black hair while in the comic he's got BLONDE HAIR! What's up with that? Hehe! Oh well, Keanu is hot in the movie! *grins* Hehe... Anyway, Nick told me if he finishes downloading the comic, he would burn it for me. Hehe... He said he might be using a lighter to do it! Hehe! Lalala... I cannot wait for it! SERIOUSLY!!

Today, I went to the Demak office... hehe... I walked in, and as usual it became noisy. Trust Kim and I to make the noise! Hehe! She tickled me and well, knowing me... she tickled my ticklish spot! And I was like, "HELP!!" and Iris said, "Aiyo... people want to sayang (show love to) you also you ask for help?" I laughed and told her, "Kim tickle me at the ticklish spot!" Hehe! And then, Kim wanted to attack me again. I was like... "HELP!" and Iris shook her head. Than I said, with a smart ass mind, "Yeah, I could sue her for harassment!" Everyone else laughed while Kim said, "Yeah, you look for lawyer!" And I said, "No! I can fight for myself! Hehe!" Kim replied, "Imagine you like this, your honour... wait arr... I open my criminal law book first!" It was funny! I never had a good time in the office without being asked to shush about it! Today, was a good day. No problems, no worries... It felt like I found Neverland today! Haha! Nah, it happened to be a good day, that is all. No problems... no harm... no tears... Hehehe! But then, I better not say too soon!! Yeah!!

I am in one of the Sandman Comics site, a spanish one, at it too... Well, I noticed that Death is the most popular of all the Endless besides Dream of course! :) Hehe... I love Death! She's cool! :) The other cool sister is Desire. Well, -_-" Desire is neither girl or boy. He/She is cool, too! Hehe. Nah, I like Death the best! I came across Death in a Goth site. It wasn't really by the original artist... it was like a fan art and INSTANTLY, I feel in love with her! (NOTE: the blogger is NOT lesbian OR bisexual and would HATE you so much if you were to refer her as one!)

Oh... I think I better stop here now. I have been blogging for 2 hours with a lot of breaks in between! Haha! More later? Probably! ;)

Bye~bye~

SHUT UP!!

See how screwed up my mind is? -_-" I think I have Delirium to do it for me... She is the one who is in charged with such deliriousity! My conscience is trying to kill me... sometimes... =_=*

~Jezsiema

Interesting Quotes...

2005-04-03T13:42:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: grey
Current Music: Anywhere (Evanescence)
Current Annoyance: cold... ~_~
Current Obsession: Finding Neverland! :)

Yes, I found some very interesting quotes. I find it interesting. I am going to post some of them here.

"It's astonishing how much trouble one can get oneself into, if one works at it. -And astonishing how much trouble one can get oneself out of, if one simply assumes that everything will, somehow or other, work out for the best."
~Destruction to Dream, Sandman Comics, by Neil Gaiman

"Individuality is to be encouraged, not condemned."
~A Hot Topic sticker

"They say there is a big difference between Genius and Insanity, but what if the ~Insane~ are really just greater then a Genius, and onto another level of humanity?"
~Bradley J. Masaryk

"Well, I think some of it is probably contrasts. Light and shadow. If you never had the Bad times, how would you know you had the Good times? But some of it is just: If you're going to be human, then there are a whole load of things that come with it. Eyes, a heart, days and life. It's the moments that illuminate it, though. The times you don't see when you're having them...they make the rest of it matter."
~Death, Sandman Comics, by Neil Gaiman

Hmm... I noticed that most of it are from Sandman Comics (by Neil Gaiman). Oh look, I have more...

"We do what we must, Lucien. Sometimes we can choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all."
~Dream, Sandman Comics, by Neil Gaiman

"You people always hold onto old identities, old faces and masks, long after they've served their purpose.But you've got to learn to throw things away eventually."
~Death, Sandman Comics, by Neil Gaiman

Hmm... Okay, Sandman Comics... there are 7 Endless siblings. Destiny, Death, Dream, Destruction, Despair and Desire, and Delirium (who was Delight) So, I will pun only their names.

"There must be a place for demons; a place for the damned. Hell is Heaven's reflection. It is Heaven's shadow. They define each other. Reward and punishment; hope and despair. There must a a Hell for without Hell, Heaven has no meaning. And thus Hell must be."
~ the angel REMIEL , Sandman Comics

"It is sometimes a mistake to climb; it is always a mistake never even to make the attempt. If you do not climb, you will not fall. This is true. But is it that bad to fail, that hard to fall?"
~Dream

"We make choices. No one else can live our lives for us. And we must confront and accept the consequences of our actions."
~DREAM

"-People think dreams aren't real just because they aren't made of matter, of particles. Dreams are real. But they are made of viewpoints, of images, of memories and puns and lost hopes."
~John Dee

"It means that we're just dolls. We don't have a clue what's really going down, we just kid ourselves that we're in control of our lives while a paper's thickness away things that would drive us mad if we thought about them for too long play with us, and move us around from room to room, and put us away at night when they're tired, or bored."
~Rose Walker

"-You don't have to stay anywhere forever."
~Edwin Payne

"I walk across the dreaming sands under the pale moon: through the dreams of countries and cities, past dreams of places long gone and times beyond recall."
~Dream

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it oepns up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
~Rose Walker

"Omnia Mutantur, Nihil Interit. 'Everything changes, but nothing is truly lost.'"
~Roman Soldier translated by Dream

"Sometimes we can choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all."
~Dream

"Things need not have happened to be true. Tales and dreams are the shadow truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot."
~Dream

Hehehe... Dream says a lot of nice things. Hahaha. Okay now, I got to get going. I will be going out soon. So, more later? Yeah, more later. I am in my Sandman quoting moods! :)

~Jezsiema

The whole watermelon incident... and other stuff...

2005-04-02T23:41:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: grey
Current Music: Mencintaimu (Krisdayanti)
Current Annoyance: cold... ~_~
Current Obsession: sleep... and Finding Neverland...

Today, Cryst was nervous but she won the case. Hmm... no pictures. I hadn't uploaded them yet. So, I will not talk about it.

The Watermelon Incident. What is up with that? Due to being nervous, Cryst did taichi in front of the college... watermelon taichi. "One watermelon..." Waterman... hmm... Jeanette got the clip... and Jonathan looking like as if someone was giving him a ... hmm... should I say it? Well, giving him a blowjob! :P

I tried killing Nuril by hugging her! Haha! She tried doing the same.

I have been on my Goth moods... so, yes, read on. Oh yes, speaking of Goth... I downloaded the acoustic version of My Immortal. So, there are THREE versions. The album version, the full band version and the acoustic. This is... Even In Death.

Give me a reason to believe
That you're gone
I see your shadow so I know
They're all wrong
Moonlight on the soft brown earth
It leads me to where you lay
They took you away from me
But now I'm taking you home

I will stay forever here with you
My love
The softly spoken words you gave me
Even in death, our love goes on

Some say I'm crazy for my love
Oh my love
But no bonds can hold me from your side
Oh my love
They don't know you can't leave me
They don't hear you singing to me

I will stay forever here with you
My love
The softly spoken words you gave me
Even in death, our love goes on
And I can't love you any more than I do

I will stay forever here with you
My love
The softly spoken words you gave me
Even in death, our love goes on
And I can't love you any more than I do

People die, but real love is forever

Hmmm.... I am playing with my closed hole on my left ear. It is close. Hmm... I am trying to keep my mind occupied. My tummyaches and yes... I am happy it is... a good sign! Haha. Nothing... hmm... hungry... :P But after eating one pear, I felt like puking. Hmm... I also bought the Thai Chicken Rice from Chilli Peppers. Yet, I wasted 3/4 of the rice. I was already feeling sick.

I was watching The Phantom of the Opera with Nuril. Hmm.. I am going to post one of the lyrics in here. I am bored. My mind is dead! Hmm...

All I Ask of You

No more talk of darkness
Forget these wide eyed fears
I'm here, nothing can harm you
My words will warm and calm you

Let me be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears
I'm here, with you, beside you
To guard you and to guide you

Say you love me ev'ry waking moment
Turn my head with talk of summertime
Say you need me with you, now and always
Promise me that all you say is true
That's all I ask of you

Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You're safe, no one will find you
Your fears are far behind you

All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you, always beside me
To hold me and to hide me

And say you'll share with me
one love, one lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you'll need me with you here, beside you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Christine, thats all i ask of you

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you
Share each day with me, each night, each morning
Say you love me
(You know I do)
Love me
That's all I ask of you

Anywhere you go, let me go too
Love me
That's all I ask of you

Hmm.... Hehe... I am going to put in more lyrics until people find it so annoying. Hmm... I don't know what else to put in. Oh yes, I finally downloaded (after many attempts) Nightwish's version of The Phantom of the Opera. It is the Andrew Lloyd Webber song but... hmm... it's been 'rocked'! Yes... Hey, Linkin Park made tribute to Tupac. This should be interesting. But... hmm... nevermind.

Hmmm... I got to go... now...

~Jezsiema

Bitchin' and Whinin'

2005-04-02T14:39:00.000+08:00

Current Mood(as according to Benrik): suicidal
Current Colour: red
Current Music: Yo Te Voy Amar (N Sync)
Current Annoyance: tummyache due to Thai Chicken Rice
Current Obsession: wings

Today: 10.30 am we had a moot trial in college. Well, Jonathan was there, Cryst was there, Sylvia was there... basically the noisy gang were there (applies to my classmates, ONLY) Thank God that today, Mr. Bong cannot lecture us. Ulcer alert. Oh yes, I wasted RM4.20 worth of food this afternoon. I couldn't eat. I think it was too much! The much rice...

Woke up at 9.30 when Mummy knocked on my door.

Sometimes... I simply HATE MYSELF... don't ask what happened but I really do. Try not to. I got out of the house feeling tired and well unwell. When I got to college, as usual, I try to look okay. Why? I don't know and I don't want to recall. 我祝愿我能死但我是高兴的我活! Why do I let myself lie? Oh hell, I want to get OUT of here!

I know that a few people don't understand me... and are disappointed. You have your rights. Not going to blame anyone. Sometimes, I hate it when I don't understand myself. I want to learn. Yes, I admit, I attempted suicide quite a number of times due to the way people treat me sometimes. Some people would think I don't see it as unfairness. But, I know and I can see it. You think I like it? I hate it! That sms I got on my birthday this year. I didn't erase it! I kept it. I still have it. The words. The text. People can go overboard. I hate it when people get overprotective.

Yeap, gone. Hope (different matter entirely).

GOD! I WANT TO STOP THIS SCREWED UPNESS! Huh! I want to sleep now! I feel sick! I WISH BLOG LATER IF I HAVE GOT THE TIME!!

~Jezsiema: LEAVE ME ALONE!

At 2.30 am, these thoughts linger... in pain...

2005-04-02T02:38:00.000+08:00

Yes, my obsession. Wings. Wings... not only as an instrument to fly... but a symbol for freedom... and yearning. That is however is not my pin point.

My SECOND attempt. The posting before this was one of the best I've blogged!! But it disappeared!! I DON'T CARE IF IT LAST ME ALL MORNING!!! AS LONG AS I CAN LET MY HEART OUT!! (I am sorry to those who've been worried for me. You need not to be worried...)

"Just give me a number,
Instead of my name,
Forget all about me,
And let me decay..."

Tonight, I lost the perkiness not only due to being tired but I was taken aback by something which I shall not speak of. I don't want to hurt anymore feelings the way people have been hurting mine. Right about now, I don't think I need anyone to speak about this. No one. I want to be left in the shadows about this. I am not sure if anyone notice the sudden mood change but I was truly taken aback. I think I am not needed for the moment. I need to return into the darkness where I belong... where I SHOULD belong. I think this is no longer lying my emotions but really, this is lying what happened to me. This is between God and I.

Only He knows what actually happened and how all this happen... He wanted it to be this way to teach me. I am just thankful that I am still alive. That is all. But for the time being, I am NOT needed in the sunlight now. I will retreat into the darkness. I will stay there until I am needed. I will stay there until I am called upon. I will stay there until I know the time is right.

Why am I still up? WHY? I AM STILL UP BECAUSE THE PAIN LINGERS IN MY CHEST AND IN MY MIND! I AM STILL UP BECAUSE I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE PAIN IN MY CHEST!! I should... but I feel so... taken aback. I feel like running away. But it won't help. NO! I will hide. I will...

Is this a form of running away? I would say, yes. I am running away from reality. I am hiding in my own realm. A realm I created with my own head. In my own mind. A land of my fantasy. My own Field of Innoncence.

I still remember the world,
From the eyes of a child,
Slowly those feelings,
Were clouded by what I know now

Where has my heart gone,
An uneven trade for the real world,
Oh I, I want to go back to,
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

I still remember the sun,
Always warm on my back,
Somehow it seems colder now

Where has my heart gone,
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger,
Oh I, I want to go back to,
Believing in everything

Where has my heart gone,
An uneven trade for the real world,
Oh I, I want to go back to,
Believing in everything,
Oh where, where has my heart gone,
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger,
Oh I, I want to go back to,
Believing in everything

Life. Can be described with roses. For roses are beautiful but the sharp thorns can pierce your skin and it can cause you to bleed or cause pain. Yes, as beauty fades, like roses which whether, it will eventually disappear. Life. As roses.

Life. Can be said to be a wheel (as Zai told us). For there are ups and downs. That is life as a wheel. It is round and endless. Life. As a wheel.

Life. Can be like the weather. There are the bright and sunny time. There are the dark and rainy moments. But... in this case. Look out for a rainbow after every storm. That is. Life.

Everything around us can be associated with life. Almost everything. But, I prefer describe Life with roses and the weather. The Wheel symbolises the endlessness of life. It goes round and neverending.

Life. Roses. Thorns. Life.

Life. Wheel. Round. Life.

Life. Weather. Rainbow. Life.

There was one point where I wanted so bad to stop living and breathing. I wanted so bad to leave the world but... when? July 3rd 2004... That day, I didn't care about myself but Allah heard people praying for my safety... I cried that day not for my own sake but for a possession. I didn't care for my own safety but apparently, some people cared and prayed and Allah simply answered their prayers by letting me live. He gave me a chance (maybe the last? Insya Allah -if God wills-) to live and He gave me another moment in my life to learn and improve myself. He gave me all the test to go through and I did go through with some hardship. Allah answered the prayers of those who prayed for my safety, He answered and granted them but then I was ungrateful for I didn't care about myself. I didn't want to live. I didn't want the chance. I was stupid back then. I know I was. I am not blaming anyone for my stupidity but there is ONLY ONE PERSON I BLAME. The girl in my mirror. The girl in the mirrow who stares back at me. Yes, that girl is me. I was ungrateful then by cursing myself, by asking myself why didn't I just die? But, Allah the merciful, gave me a chance because He loves me, He knows there are some people who loves me and He wants me to search myself. Plus, He gave me a chance to live because it wasn't my time. Now, I understand why I am still living. I shouldn't cross the fence before my time. There are many times when I saw the Light but I never went across. One of it was my July 3rd incident. I remembering blacking out that day... while I blacked out for 5 minutes, I saw a bright beautiful light... but something made me snap out of it. I started panicking not for my sake. I was angry that day. I hated myself so much that day. Yet, now, I am standing 5'5'' tall aged 21 years and 1 month old, thank Allah that I am still alive. I thank Him that I am still living and still breathing the air. Allah the merciful granted me the most precious of all wishes... the will to live. He also gave me the chance to change and the chance to being able to find myself. He did all this because of one thing, He loves me, still. He still believes in me. Why should I let other people believe in me when I was given a chance to live and unharmed? It is weird that people don't believe in another when He believes in that particular person. Oh well... Allah works in mysterious ways. Why should I depend on others to believe in me, when He can be counted on? When He believes in me more than anyone do?

I don't know. But I feel blessed. Embok Zizah (Azy) and I have this bond which after tonight will become closer than ever. Tonight she told us all a story in #skacinta. Which was sad... And the surprise I got was... one great moment... she told everyone in the channel that she found what she lost once... and what she lost was a sister but this year... she found the 21 year old sister... me... I was depressed before the story but after she told everyone that she found me... tears of sadness and rejection became acception and joy.

Hmm... Maybe... just maybe... the joy is starting?

DELIRIUM
Main Entry: de-lir-i-um
Pronunciation: di-'lir-E-&m
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin, from delirare to be crazy, literally, to leave the furrow (in plowing), from de- + lira furrow -- more at LEARN
1 : a mental disturbance characterized by confusion, disordered speech, and hallucinations
2 : frenzied excitement [he would stride about his room in a delirium of joy -- Thomas Wolfe]

It may not apply anymore. Could it? I don't know. It is too soon to say anything. But, I know I will find my happiness.

One day, not now, I will find the wings I yearn for. I will get the dream I dreamt of. Someday, I will break free from this feeling. I will step into the light again. I will step out of the darkness. Someone will come and take me out of this prison cell. Or maybe, I will break the bars and go out from this prison cell... someday, I will reach the sky with wings. I always come back to wings. Because. Wings and freedom can be considered the same thing. You not only fly into the sky with wings but... you can gain freedom... with these wings, I will enter a world of my own. A realm where the light touches everything. A realm where shadows don't exist. A place where the birds sing their happy tunes.

Yet...

The time is not now. I need to retreat into the darkness and shadows until the time is right. Until I earn those wings.

I know... though my mood may look bright but look deep within me. I may lie. Someday, that will not happen. Someday, I will show that I am truly happy. I will find that joy. I will find that life. Though it does not happen in an instant. It is worth the wait. It is worth the struggle.

I will take the fall. I will play the cards of life. Even when there are no more Aces to play. I will take the fall. I am willing because this is my life. I need to play it right. I can bend the rules a little but I need to take the risk of falling in this game... but I cannot fall too much either. That is the rule and the risk. I will take it if my life depends on it.

I think I better stop. Its been 2 hours I have been blogging. Hmm... I should mention names now.

Amer, I am sorry that I am not asleep at this hour. I can't sleep. Hmm... I know you will say that I think too much. Yes. I do. I think too much. But I hope this will be the last of it. I hope you understand. I am confident that you will. You know that it is normally you I turn to when I need to talk but since nowadays ever since you started working, I don't want to disturb you. You might be tired and well, you do need some rest. Thanks for being there when I needed you. I found a place for myself. It may not be of your approval but it is good enough. I choose solitude in darkness. I did tell you that I like places with body of water. To tell you the truth, water and wind reminds me of many things. The wind reminds me of Mak... you remember her stories, right? The water reminds me of myself. So, thanks.

Seryna, you missed a lot in my life. Yes, but still, you are my best friend. You and Aishah. You missed a lot because we are so far away and well, both are busy with our own lives. Yet, most of my secrets you know. I am sorry that I have been making you worry about me lately. You were there when I needed you, too! That is the reason why I love you, too!

To everyone else (including Amer and Seryna), I hope you now understand me. I hope you don't take me for granted. The only reason why I turn to liking anything Goth is because the emotion I hold in my chest is EXPRESSED there. And when I say I want to protect those I love, I will do it all my might. I will... if this love is more powerful than loving another person... I will take this love instead of loving another person. I will...

Yes, one more person. Mbok Zizah... I will remember what you ALWAYS tell me to do... "Remember to...? :)" and "Loves the heart that hates u..but dun hates the heart that loves you...bcoz for the world..u might be some1...but for some1 you might be the world..." I will remember those words.

Now, I think I need to rest. It is 4.32 am! Hmm... I better get off. I want to go watch the Moot Trial at college at 10.30 am! Later~!

~Jezsiema: listening to Cinta by Melly Goeslaw and Krisdayanti

Today... What the-? rolls on the floor laughing

2005-04-01T21:19:00.000+08:00

Current Mood (as according to Benrik): ok
Current Colour: purple
Current Music: God Must Have Spent A Little More Time (N Sync)
Current Annoyance: tummyache
Current Obsession: ~nothing~

ARGH! The back of my ear is bleeding again. The immature hole! I cannot wait for tomorrow, I want to watch the Moot Trial. Anyway, JONATHAN ALCOS SONGAN IS IN GOOD LUCK! I CANNOT UPLOAD THE ACT HE DID IN CLASS TODAY! Thank your lucky star, Jon!! Oh MY GOD! Nothing... Hehe... I still cannot upload pictures at the moment. My Windows IE is still screwed. How screwed is screwed? Well, whenever I open a new window with another window open, the window which was opened before that would close on its own! I think it is frustrating.

Anyway, Mr. Bong's class has been canceled for the whole week. Poor, poor... POOR Mr. Bong. He's got an ulcer in his mouth and they said that it was a massive one, too! O_o? O... k... Hahaha. Oh well, I hope he gets well, soon. The only reason why I said that is because Global Perspective Law is no longer 100% Exams based! :) WOO HOO!!! It is a good thing I skipped class ONLY once... and that was when we went to send Mummy and Abah off to the airport. The week before my birthday. Oh well. I hope Mr. Bong will be well enough. But this is a thought... Mr. Bong... hmm... Law students of IBMS, only you guys know. So let me not explain it. Cryst and Sylvia, we've been talking about it lately... so, it is not necessary for any explainations.

Fabian's class today: as usual. Oh well, what else is new? Nah... did I mention AS USUAL? Hmm... it was quite unusual actually. How? Well, mainly because there were 1/4 of us in class today. I think only 21 of us in class today. Wait. That is 1/2 of us. Sorry. Jonathan did this crazy act which I managed to catch! BUT, HIS LUCK!! I cannot upload it!! Erk!! It will be fun if I could put that clip in my blog!! Oh well... what to do? If only it could be done!! WAA!! Hehe... I had a good time laughing in that moment. Oh yes, today, Thomas' iPod was in the paws of Jaja and Jonathan! Jon and I listened to a few of the dorky Disney songs like the Tiki Tiki Room... HAHA! And had a good time laughing. Actually... I kind of pitied Fabian. He was trying so hard to lecture us and we were like goofing around in class. I don't know. Sometimes, I feel bad for him but then the problem is when he lectures, your mind tends to bounce about. Seriously! Oh well, that is being a typical student. I was asked about the case of Attorney General V Jonathan Cape and well, thank God for books and whisperers, I just say whatever was on my mind! Hoh well...

I was thinking of someone today and I have the mens rea to cause GBH upon him. Hmm... not everyone knows him. I used to talk a lot about him but when he proved to me that he was nothing more than a hypocrite and a liar ticks me off. What is worst, he wants to act tough and I hate it. He is such a hypocrite. HYPOCRITE!!!!

Who, Ja? (an audience asked)

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. You will not know him. Only a few people would know him. Damn, isn't it scary when you hear a little voice in your head?

I AM YOUR CONSCIENCE, dear...

I am going ~~loko~~... whoops... LOCO! I know I am! Haha... Oh well. Anyway, today, despite being April Fool's day, thank God nothing serious came rose. Althought I got fooled by Jonathan about ELS classes. Cryst tried. Hehehe... right... Hmm... *sighs* My tummyaches! HEHE!!

I am perky now. For what reason, heaven knows. Oh gosh. I think... I am happier now when I think about it. I try not to curse. I try not to get angry. Oh well. Today, I am truly happy. I don't know why. I think mainly because I tried relaxation. I think I should take up yoga. Like how Cryst said it, "One waterman..." *rolls on the floor laughing*

I borrowed a few CDs from Daphne Che Che. Yeah, went to Uncle Baer's to plan Lorraine's wedding in September. Hehe... my cousin is getting married. Hehe... to a West Malaysian boy. Hehe. Oh well. I cannot wait! OH MY GOD! September! MY EXAM MONTH!! I am doubtful. To take the May exams or September. But I am keeping in mind that I went into college a little bit too late. So, I am not confident. I think I can do Contract and Criminal Law but I don't think I can deal with English Legal System and Constitutional Law! Oh well. Criminal Law, I've seen the University Of London (UOL) questions and basically, they ask ALMOST the same thing. I yet to get Queensland University of Technology (QUT). I am only doing QUT for a reason. When I come home, I can chamber straight away. As for UOL, I think I need to spent a year or something there to do barrister (someone, correct me if I am wrong! USE HALOSCAN, thanks) Anyway, if I do end up in QUT, I have contacts there. Ko Ko Len will be there (if he is transfered there! Hehe!) So, if I do end up there, I can send him an email and tell him that we can meet at the airport. Anyway, he still owe me... (Iris, only you and I know! ;D) Oh well. Seriously, now I want to really put my heart and soul into Law... even if it drives me insane.

Are you sure? What will happen to...?

Nah... I want to turn over a new leaf. It will be hard but I will try. I promised myself that one night. I am NOT going to screw it up! I want to make Abah proud, I want to make Mummy proud, I want to make Embok Fariah proud... Wait... I will make a list. Hehe. Uncle Wilfred (who asks about me almost everyday), Auntie Mimi (whom I love so much and see us do no wrong), Iris (who was there through my most tension moments with studying law) and a lot of other people! Yes, especially my best friends for life, Seryna and Aishah (the two who know me very well...). Oh yea, my Endless bro Destiny :D And to my friends who've been supporting me and yes, ex teachers.

Getting emotional, aren't we? *scratches chin and grins widely*

Oh well. Gosh... hehehe... I think I will end blogging here for the moment. My conscience is killing me. I am thinking too much but I am still happy. I don't know for what reason but... yeah, I am happy. Except my 4 attempts to burn an audio CD went to waste. Oh well. The trials of life! :)

Gotta go now... Hehehe... I am still looking for THE HTML CODE FOR MEDIA PLAYER! Hehe. Then I can upload Jonathan's dramatic downfall! Hehe. I want to burn something first...

~Jezsiema

Hmm... Something I have been thinking about lately.

2005-04-01T11:13:00.000+08:00

Current Mood (as according to Benrik): ok
Current Colour: light blue
Current Music: Sway (Michael Buble)
Current Annoyance: Windows... =_=
Current Obsession: ~nothing in particular~

Argh... yesterday, the road was JAMMED! JAMMED! And did I mention it? Oh wait... I did but I will say it again anyway... JAMMED!

*smart ass mode ON* where is the butter and bread?

I hate my conscience sometimes! Hehe. It gets wack and I go berserks, too. Anyway, yesterday, I nearly got into an accident and Jonathan told me that, 'There was alot of bastards on the road yesterday...' I agree. How did I nearly got involved in an accident? Well, this is my story.

I forgotten all about the procession and left home for college at 4.45 pm! I thought by using the St. Mary's way would be faster but then I was wrong. OH MY GOD! Parents waiting for their children outside the school. The problem was... DOUBLE PARKING. I compared St. Mary's and St. Thomas' road. St. Thomas' was clear. Although parents DID a double parking. Well, the parents in St. Thomas' parked on the pavement thus allowing cars to move by with absolutely no problem. It was the contrary to St. Mary's. So, let me continue. I was in front of Shelter (Vineyard now) when I found difficulty getting out. So, when I did got out from that difficulty, a white Toyota Corolla (QKH 6656 -I think- ) wanted to shoot out at me and he came from the junction in front of Jinki. If I hadn't leaned on my horn, I think a collision would have happened. I didn't want to get involve in any quarrel, I gave way. But when I think about it. If he had rammed into me... he would have been wrong. NO MATTER what. Because, he was supposed to stop at the junction. I had too many witnesses but then people nowadays, do you actually think they bother? HUH!! It will be a miracle if they did! Oh well, people these days.

After all, the world is not a safe place anymore. This is weird. I am thinking of wearing baju kurung for class today. Well, there is only ONE CLASS TODAY! :D If anyone ask me what did I dream of the night before I will say, "A nice one!" Hehehe. Oh well, I am in a good mood this morning and I don't know why. Anyway, this whole week, there were no class sessions with Mr. Bong! I think he got sick because of us! *grins like a Cheshire cat* Well, last Saturday, he scolded the class and thank God, I was late! When I walked in, he finished ranting. Oh well... Fabian's class today... see what I can do keep myself alive! :) Hehe. I may want to finally eat today! Hehe. After I got told off by Nick last night about eating. Hehe... like any Endless brother would! :) Oh well, ChilliPeppers is near. So no sweat! Huahaha. If I were lazy to walk too far, I might as well end up at IBMS cafeteria! Hehe...

Okay, I think I better stop now. In case Mummy screams for me then I will be ready! :) Oh yeah, MUST BE ARMED WITH A CAMERA!!!!

~Jezsiema

Hmm.... pondersponders*

2005-03-31T13:55:00.000+08:00

Current Mood (as according to Benrik): ok
Current Colour: light blue
Current Music: Close Every Door To Me (Donny Osmond)
Current Annoyance: Windows, Yahoo Messenger...
Current Obsession: *something* =)

I am annoyed but since Benrik didn't offer annoyed, I decided on 'ok'. Okay, I am not sure what is wrong but the problem I am facing now is Yahoo Messenger won't allow me to right click, change my status, or do anything else except clicking on the name and chat. Hey, that is quite boring... :( I can't even click on the smiley option or the audible. I nearly pulled my hair out from my head. That was as far as I could go into frustration. Now, I try not to use words when I am mad.

Anyway, my 2nd piercing on my left ear was bleeding this morning. Immature piercing as I call it! =s Why? Well, when it was still in stud after a few months of piercing, I changed to an ear ring. It was my fault. This morning, it was pusing blood! I didn't really freak out but I decided to take off my ear ring and then clean off the blood. To my surprise, the piercing closed! So, what I am going to do now is let it close wait for a few months then repierce. Now, I got 4 piercings! Waa! I am so sad! Haha. But the time will come when I don't want those piercings anymore. Oh well, I spoilt my own body so... there is a price to pay. Oh well. Hahaha.

I think, I will be back later. I think. I am redownloading Yahoo! Messenger.

~Jezsiema

The Total Eclipse of the Heart

2005-03-30T12:16:00.000+08:00

Current Mood (as according to Benrik): depressed
Current Colour: grey
Current Music: Tak Mungkin Ku Melepasmu (Dygta and Andina)
Current Annoyance: cold
Current Obsession: sappy songs... sickening!!

"when this world has lost all flicker of hope,
i wish with the world i can cope,
don't weep for me when it is too late,
because you know it is you i cannot hate..."

Really. I don't know what to say! I don't know what I want to do next. I am so blur. I am... I can't think. I don't have anything in my mind now except songs running in and out of my ears. I am tired. Mac gave me a hard night last night and due to the fact I cried watching a movie! Oh well. I am tired and there is all to it. I need to go out this afternoon. I need to get a few stuff. Grr... why does mine eyes fail me? Oh, tonight is Mr. Bong's class. Can I get away with murder to sleep? Hmm... I don't want to risk anything. If we are using room 306 then maybe I would! :) I am sleepy and I want to watch Sepet again. Hmm...

I hate being the way I am sometimes. Too over emotional for nothing. Stupid! Hmm... It was a good thing I had that porridge for brunch. Seriously, I am glad I did, if not I won't feel too sick.

Anyway, worth blogging. Alberto and Michelle were complaining to Sulie and Lyn saying that I am proud now. Good! No one ask them to try in getting me into deep trouble. The best thing to do is to avoid them. Alberto even asked Lyn what did he did wrong to me. Well, dear Alberto, first off, you are trying to get me into going against the college rule and that is to sign in for you when you are not around. Mr. Tan did complain about it and you know, I felt the nail in my head. Oh well. I am trying not to rant now. I think ranting had been the one thing that makes me more miserable. ARGH! I am sleepy!!! Still thinking about Alberto, he knew I was pissed at him the other day. He called me when I was at the tyre shop with Abah. He called because he wanted me to sign in for him and I replied, "Look, I don't want to get into trouble where signing is concerned. I had gotten into enough problems already! If you want attendance, come down to college yourself then! Don't involve me. I am sick of signing in for you or anyone for that matter. I am sorry!" then I hung up. It was cold but it was the right thing to do. Last time, when I asked them to help me, they NEVER helped me. So, why should I bother helping people who are not willing to help me back in return. It is like helping people who does not appreciate you. I am not ranting or getting angry but I am expressing myself frankly.

I know that I should learn to control my temper. Anger can cause a person to become sick easily. Besides, I should learn to be more honest with my emotions. I have been lying for too long. But the problem is, by lying my emotions, people don't have to worry about me. People don't have to comfort me and most of all people won't think that I want sympathy. So, by lying it all, I don't have those problems. No one would have to worry. No one would well, take me as an emotional freak that I already am. Now, I am showing my true colours. But I hate it when people worry too much about me. The time I want to worry, they don't care but the time when all I want to do is to be left alone, they come and well, worry. I don't mind if they worry but I don't want them to make a big fuss out of me not being as bubbly as I used to be. I want to be free from my pain.

Anyway, Abang Syah sent me an sms; 'Girl, someday the time will come for you to break free... Your miracle will come. Pray for it to happen.' He have been with me through thick and thin. We had been friends since a long time... met him at tuition in 1996. I was 12 while he was 17. Well, we got attracted to each other like brothers and sisters. Now, he is married and I am happy he is after he suffered for quite sometime. There is a reason why I never spoke of him. He made me promise that I won't talk about him until the time was right. People would think that we were lovers or something whereas he was like a big brother to me. Now, he is married, well, people won't think so much anymore. Hmm... he is one of those who knows my secret and pratically saw me growing up. He said that I can be overwhelmingly childish but he knows one thing about me, my determination. He knows and gets angry at my stubborness... that is why nowadays, he is spying on me whenever he can get himself online. (Hie, Abang Syah... sorry, I am talking about you! Hehe... I think you need to change your tagname now! Hehe...) Hmm... I don't know. He says he have been talking to somebody about me but I just don't know who. I have a hutch that it is Landee and Azy because they seem to know that he has been looking for me. (Arr... spying on me on irc!!) Oh well, maybe it is the brotherly love from him. Besides Abang Syah, there is ALWAYS my Fated-Endless-Brother, Nick. But I think Abang Syah and I are going to well... he might be moving to Penang or Indonesia. Jeez... It is okay. Thanks for all the fun you've gave me! :)

Anyway, I realised that nowadays, I don't have much of an appetite. I don't even think of food! I mean, seriously, last time it was all about getting hungry at a certain time... but now, I don't get hungry at all. I don't eat. I didn't have dinner last night and I had no lunch yesterday. The only thing I had was Tom Yam Maggie Mee, which on a daily basis is not good for the health. This morning was just forcing myself with porridge when I was aware that if I took anymore food I would puke it all out.

Gosh, I think I am done with my word spill. I am done letting go all the bad energy which were entrapped in my chest... YET, there are some things that had not been spilled. I think I should stop playing with a deck of cards. A deck of tarots sounds good. I play within the rules and sometimes playing within the rules can be dangerous. You need to bend a little of the rules. I should have done that a long time ago. I knew I should. Oh well. I don't want to recall that bit of my life but someday, I need to let it all out. I am still learning. I want to be another person. I want people to know me as a different person. I don't want to be as absent-minded as I used to be. I know, I believe that I can do what I want to do. There should be a flicker of hope. Should it? Well, Allah works in mysterious ways. Anything could happen. The chemistry could change... I will be what I truly want to be. I will aim what I aim for. A life and a future of joy.

If I do end up in Australia... it might be a chance. But, I will not forget some things which were meant to be forgotten. This heart can bleed as I believe it does all the time now but life.

Roses... life is like a bed of roses... it is full of beauty with a price to pay. Pain. Roses... beautiful as it is, roses tend to wither and die. That is life and roses. Oh well... I am just plain unlucky maybe... *sighs*

~Jezsiema: some things are not meant to be.

Today's Report of the Law Students 2005

2005-03-29T20:17:00.000+08:00

Current Mood (as according to Benrik): happy as larry
Current Colour: yellow
Current Music: It's Been a While -acoustic- (Staind)
Current Annoyance: cold
Current Obsession: anything dark and gothic... wait... Sandman!!

Haaa... as usual, Constitutional Law was a bore! We used Room 306! One of the smallest room on the third floor! Anyway, I did have 25.8 g of sugar in my body within that 2 hours to keep me hyper! Hehe! *grins* During break time, I thought my stomach would explode due to laughing too hard. Jonathan, Camillus and I had a good time laughing pretending to be pondans. No offence to them but it was incredibly hilarious! I even wanted to roll on the floor to laugh! It was hilarious!

Now, I think I should arm myself with a camera in class. Of all things to do! Haha! Why? Well, Camillus and Cryst had Thomas' iPod and were listening to songs like Under the Sea, We Can Fly (all Disney songs) and were dancing at the same time. They look so cute! Hehe... I should have brought a camera! Something to report about in my blog ;) In that class alone, there are a hell lot of priceless moments!

Anyway, I wrote a poem! Haha... the class was small and well, read the poem first then I shall explain! :)

Oh! How miserable this life is!
There's no butterflies dancing but only stinging bees,
O'er the other side I hear a different call,
Bloody hell is this damned class small!

Fabian we ask from you,
There's only ONE thing now for us you can do,
Do you see the room at the end of the hall?
Move us there for this damned class is small!

Why won't you hear our prayer and our plea?
Besides pulling our hair we want to flee,
This class is small and please hear from us all,
BLOODY HELL THIS DAMNED CLASS IS SMALL!

Hehehe... Fabian is our lecturer (the lecturer with the horny smile!) *grins* Anyway, of all the classes, I think Room 306 is the most miserable one! Anyway, I was telling Sylvia that I was claustrophobic who replied, 'What about being in the lift?' and with my smart ass mode ON I replied, 'In the lift, at least it is for a little while.' Then Sylvia came up with this, she said I was suffering from 'conditional claustrophobia' *grins wider* Hehe... ^^

Criminal law class was an entirely different matter! Jeffrey and Thomas did something... well... hehe... read on... *rolls on the floor laughing*

Jeffrey V Thomas [2005] IBMS

J: tommorrow don't go hom, we go watch movie?
T: HITCH!
J: ghost movie!!! Very terrifying
T: buy ticket 4 da purr... T_T
J: you mean your gonna treat me? I m da poor...
T: poor trears purr-wannabe!! ^^d
J: I ain't poor wannabe...
T: read statement properly la!!
J: I am really seriously deadly poor! God save me!
T: sh1mx-purr wannabe u-poor
J: lalala... whatever the outcome is you chia me!
T: no evidence no case, if got 1 oso sure lose!! ^u^
J: Thomas Shrimp Voon Onn => chia me or I kidnap you extort your dad! US$1,000,000
T: Go ahead la... less by 1 anak cheaper "mum" ^u^ 1 sen oso don haf...
J: ok, plz bring along your com, laptop, ipod tomorrow wanna rob them as well.
T: not too obvious of "kidnap", more to "escape" from the rock!! rob? too fortified, security worse than Al-catraz!! Reward = RM10 + kolo mee rebate to find lost son :P
J: Argh... shit... the reward not enough to feed you for even 1 day... might as well kidnap your Ah Choi -> your dad need him badly
T: Kuching got so many drivers... can even hire Schumacher if wan leh :)
J: so be it! -> I'll kidnap every driver you dad hire
T: so stupid meh... kidnap the boss la... wad for driver... tat wan is the driver's family rugi ^u^
J: I don't want $, I wanna frustrate your dad!!
T: Frustrate dad only be done by upbringing tigerwoods to beat him... :) money is no object...
J: nah, I'll bring that fijian! he's better tjan tigerwood upcoming lionwood!
T: FUKK it: heng saja tat guy ^u^
J: DE END
T: conclusion: ok la, I go tomorrow, if got money!! T_T

You see how law students can be so insane? So, don't take us for granted that we are quiet and well harmless! :) Anyway, I am liable of criminal damage for scribbling the tables in IBMS... room 304 especially. Hehehe! I have to stop now. I will blog later... Hehe.......

~Jezsiema...

Looking like a Gypsy won't help me... ok?

2005-03-29T11:31:00.000+08:00

Current Mood (as according to Benrik): depressed
Current Colour: grey
Current Music: Over and Over (Nelly feat. Tim McGraw)
Current Annoyance: sleepy... again!
Current Obsession: downloading songs... =/

Oh my God. To cut or not to cut? Nahh... I better not. Some parties may have the mens rea and actus reus to cause GBH on me! Hehe...

Anyway, another earthquake striked Sumatera midnight last night.

Oops... I will blog later! Hehehe... too many things to do now! Might as well no need to blog in the first place! HEHEH!

~Jezsiema

Did some quizzes... trying to keep up with the sun

2005-03-28T20:09:00.000+08:00

Current Mood (as according to Benrik): depressed
Current Colour: grey
Current Music: 10,000 Promises (Backstreet Boys)
Current Annoyance: sleepy... again!
Current Obsession: anything gothic...

Hmm... something to add up to being screwed up! Hmm... I think I was bored. Wait, I am bored. I cannot help being bored.

There are seven beings that are not Gods,
that existed before humanity dreamed of Gods,
that will exist after the last God is dead.
There are seven beings that exist because,
deep in our hearts, we know that they exist.

There are seven beings that are called the Endless.
They are, in order of age, Destiny, Death, Dream,
Destruction, Desire and Despair, and Delirium,
who was once Delight.

Which Sandman Character Are You?

Cool, I am Death. I like her. I like the idea of her. I mean, she is not a reaper. Not the solemn headcase most of us would associate her with. Anyway, Bro Nick, I hope you won't mind. I want to talk about something that we were talking about which managed to put a smile on my face! :)

Jezsiema: higher and higher i fly into the sky, thoughts of you pass me by, i spread my wings and fly, but with my broken wings i have i fall to die... >> v. gothic-ky
Jezsiema: =))
Nick : wow.... must be some dumb bird.
Nick : *smarty pants!*
Nick : :D
Jezsiema: =))
Jezsiema: my dear bro, i was thinking of an angel with broken wings
Jezsiema: =))
Nick : oops... Heeeeeee....... :D
Jezsiema: heheheheheheheheheheheh
Jezsiema: i like ur sentenced though...
Jezsiema: =))
Jezsiema: must be some dumb bird!

Hehehe... trust Nick and I to have weird conversations! Anyway, it was us talking about something which were just innocent words and well, it got kinda misinterpreted. Haha.

I will continue later... hehehe....

~Jezsiema: hidden behind a smiling mask.

Brr... FREEZE!

2005-03-27T21:31:00.000+08:00

Current Mood (as according to Benrik): depressed
Current Colour: red
Current Music: My All (Mariah Carey)
Current Annoyance: cold and headache and being sleepy!!
Current Obsession: anything dark...

I knew I shouldn't have eaten too much! Now I feel sick! Well, I don't know. What is wrong with my body system? Its gone berserks!! I feel like puking after meals and well, I do get hungry but most of the time, there is nothing to eat! Jeez...

Oh well... hmm... damn, I am sleepy. I have been sleepy all day today! Hehe! That is not a good sign! Anyway, I was kind of tipsy. I actually nearly lost my balance in front of Sarawak Plaza earlier when we went to Coffee Bean.

What did I have for dinner?

Spinach and wantan soup
Sweet and sour chicken rice
Iced Milo Kaw

Hmm... I am dying of boredom. Really I am. Tonight, like planned, I am going to sleep early so hopefully I can go for class without falling asleep... I got the lyrics I want!! YES!!

Cinta
(Melly Goeslaw and Krisdayanti)

Menapak jalan yang menjauh
Tentukan arah yg kumau
Tempatkan aku pada suatu peristiwa
Yang membuat hati lara

Didekat engkau aku tenang
Sendu matamu penuh tanya
Misteri hidup akan
Kah menghilang dan bahagia diakhir cerita

Cinta tegarkan hatiku,
Tak mau sesuatu merenggut engkau
Naluriku berkata tak ingin terulang lagi
Kehilangan cinta hati
Bagai raga tak bernyawa

Aku junjung petuahmu
Cintai dia yg mencintaiku
Hatinya luluh belaian kini telah menepi
Bukankah hidup kita akhirnya harus bahagia

It is a lovely slow song. It fits my mood. Well, it fits my mood very well! Hmm... I am so bored and moody. I want to watch Sepet again but this time from the beginning. I watched Gangster and HATED it like shit!

Gotta go now! SLEEP!

~Jezsiema

Hmm... something here...

2005-03-27T12:59:00.000+08:00

Current Mood (as according to Benrik): depressed
Current Colour: red
Current Music: Lies (Evanescence)
Current Annoyance: cold!!
Current Obsession: anything dark and Gothic

I blogged in only to post in a lyrics. Well, I like the song. It is very Gothic. I absolutely love Amy Lee's voice! She's got an awesome voice!

Missing

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again,
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence,
I know -You forgot me long ago,
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

[Chorus:]
Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now,
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone,
Isn't someone missing me

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again,
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out,
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

[Chorus]

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care,
And if I sleep just to dream of you,
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...

[Chorus]

It is sad... the lyrics... Well, I so happen to be in the mood to post lyrics. So, I might as well! =/ Now, I am running out of lyrics to post.

Maafkan
(Dygta)

Kasih maafkan aku
Tiada inginku melukaimu
Dan kini kau tinggalkan aku

Hanya dlm hatiku
Ku ungkap semua penyesalan aku
Kini ku ingin disisimu

Bila ku masih dihatimu
Simpan cintaku
Kembali la untuk ku
Kuingin selalu disisimu

Maafkanlah aku
Kasih

OOh....

Hmm... I think I am done here. My room is getting cold now. I am getting sleepy and the bed is calling for me... =/

~Jezsiema

Letting my mind sway!

2005-03-27T02:18:00.000+08:00

Current Mood (as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: red
Current Music: Sway (Michael Buble)
Current Annoyance: sleepy
Current Obsession: ...

Oh gosh... I was just thinking about it. I was watching disc 2 of Sepet yesterday! And I cried! It was touching but then the beauty of this story is all about UNCONDITIONAL LOVE! :) Yes... the theme is there. It is basically about a Malay girl (Orked) and a Chinese boy (Jason) falling in love with each other and how people well, you know. Typical racist.

Yeah, I still noticed that some people now well... they don't like seeing their children marrying other races... especially where the Malay and Chinese are concerned. I still don't get it. I see through Ju's (not real name) situation. I mean, her parents disapprove of her being together with a Malay boy! Oh well... I think I know why. Since I am stuck in the middle of being a Malay and a Chinese at the same time, I shall EXPLAIN.

The Chinese look down on the Malays because normally those causing problems around are the Malays. HONESTLY... take a look around every weekend. Malay kids loitering around town like they have nothing important to do. Besides the whole lepak thing... they also cause a hell lot of disturbance. Honestly, I have to agree...

The Malays, however, misunderstand because of the AH BENGS! Well, generally, some Chinese are NOT proud of the Ah Bengs (tell me if I am wrong! COMMENT!!) Well, the Ah Bengs are typically LOUD and well, a bit of the show off bunch of people! Oh well...

Now, I can see but... when you think about it. NOT EVERYONE is typical that way! Mail scolded me because after my break-up with Richard, I thought that all guys were liars like him! Even Amer told me off about it. Not all guys are the same. That is the very common mistake most girls make. They think that if ONE guy is a jerk... all guys are jerks. Well, they were right... I mean, Mail and Amer. They were right. NOT ALL GUYS are jerks. Amer, Mail... I am sorry. I understand you guys now. Yeah, Abang Syah, too! Hehe... the one person I always argue with! Haha! Now going to Penang!! :(

Anyway, gosh, I am glad my old personality managed to go away. I am back to me now. Still a little sick but well... I hate it. My chest hurts. My migraine disappeared! Yippie! :) But the chest pain is still there. I don't like it but well... it happens.

I did a meme in Friendster! :)

1.Would you marry for money?
- nope... I think it does not guarantee a marriage.

2. Do you have a LOVELIFE?
- yes, with my cat =P no one to love me intimately! HAhAhA! (Nick, that didn't sound right...!!)

3. Could you live without a computer?
- no... hehe... nope... a big no no! everywhere I go, my laptop goes!

4. If you could live in any past time period where would it be?
- hmm... either the Ancient Egyptian era to be the High Priestess of Bubastis OR in the 50s when they had AWESOME cars!!

5. Do you drink enough water?
- me thinks, NO..

6. Do you wear shoes in the house or take em off?
- take them off... it is typical malay custom :)

7. What are your favorite fruits?
- English pear, honeydew and OLENG arr... oranges... hahaha...

8. What is your favorite place to visit?
- Egypt, China! :)

9. Are you photogenic?
- hmm... am i? *ponders*

10. Do you dream in color or black and white?
- most of the time colour :)

11. Why do you take surveys?
- *ahem* I am NOT trying to be suicidal because I am already DYING OF BOREDOM!!

12. Do you drink alcohol?
- yes :) but socially...

13. What is the most beautiful language?
- Arab, Latin, Spanish, Sarawak Malay, Hokkien, ...

14. Do you like being kissed when you are asleep?
- I would love it... :(

15. Do you like sunrises or sunsets the most?
- sunrises for the concept of the birth of a new day... the reborn of a new day... sunsets because it is just plain romantic! HAHA!!

16. Do you want to live to be 100?
- hmm... I don't know... if Allah wills :)

17. Is a flat stomach important to you?
- nope... :) hehe... weird but true!

18. Are you tolerant of other people's beliefs?
- of course because I come from a family with a hell lot of weird beliefs... but some are just intolerable... so... you know... :P

19.When you watch movies at home, do you likethe lights on or off?
- depends... heheh... if i were watching any horror movie... the lights must be on! HAHA!

20. Do you believe in magic?
- hmm... i need some logic to that... =/ but magick normally comes from inside ;) not going all wicca again!!!!

21.Do you think you can draw well?
- my mum thinks i can... but when i look at my own work of art... i think it suck! =/ but with me causing a hell lot of criminal damage on the ibms desk! hehehehehe... =) what section am i liable on? ahahahahahaha!

22.Do you like to watch cartoons?
- most definitely... i love watching Teen Titans and Justice Leagues on Cartoon Network... haha!

23.At what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn't real?
- seriously, i never bothered remembering this! HAHA!!

24. Do you write poetry?
- i do.. a hell lot of it... i have a collection called Strong Emotions and one of my poems was chosen for the grand prize but since i could go to Florida for the ceremony... i didn't get the prize! :(

25.Do you snore?
- i think so! haha!!!

26.Do you sleep more on your back, front, or sides?
- all positions! haha!! :)

27.Would you rather have a poodle or a rottweiler?
- NONE! I don't like dogs... i mean, dog attacks are getting rather critical!! =s

28. Are you basically a happy person?
- i am like a harlequin (court jester)... i am one of those wearing a mask showing a happy face but behind the mask... tears flow like waterfall :(

29.Are you tired?
- now, yes... almost dead on my feet

30. Did you drink anything with caffeine in it today?
- haha! YES!! why do you think i am so high?? Hahaha!

31.How many phones do you have in your house?
- 3 housephones... handphones... dont ask...

33.Do you get along with your parents?
- yes especially when i am being an angel...

34. Do u smoke?
- almost did but no... some people will kill me!!

35. If you're gonna talk to someone, today, who would it be? and why?
- Mak... i still need her... i thought i found someone who could replace her and he did but for a while... if only... well... *clears throat*

Those were the EXACT answers in my Friendster! :) Oh well, OKAY, I am getting tired. I am sleepy but I am still uploading a song for Zai! Hmm... and yes, I am still downloading some songs, too! Haha!

Sleep time... cannot stand it anymore...!!

~Jezsiema

Just Bored...

2005-03-27T01:15:00.000+08:00

Current Mood (as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: red
Current Music: Tiada Lagi (Mayang Sari)
Current Annoyance: sleepy
Current Obsession: hmm...

I AM BORED! NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT!

Just testing... =/

~Jezsiema

The Bullshit of Your Lives

2005-03-26T12:53:00.000+08:00

Wanna read something which is too good to be true? HAHA!!

If a girl cries in front of you, it means that she couldnt take it anymore.
If you take her hand, she would stay with you for the rest of your life;
If you let her go, she couldnt go back to being herself anymore.
A girl wont cry easily,
Except in front of the person who she love the most, she becomes weak.
A girl wont cry easily, only when she love you the most, she put down her ego.
Guys, if a girl cries bcoz of you, please hold her hands firmly, she's the one who would stay with you for the rest of your life.
Guys, if a girl cries bcoz of you, please dont give her up, maybe bcoz of your decision, you ruin her life.
When she cry rite infront of you,
When she cry bcoz of you,
Look into her eyes,
Can u see n feel the pain n hurt she's feeling?
Think.
Which other girl have cried wif pure sincerity,
Infront of you,
And bcoz of you?
She cry not because she is weak,
She cry not bcoz she wan sympathy or pity,
She cry,
Because crying silently is no longer possible, the pain, hurt, n agony have become too big a burden to be kept inside.
Guys,
Think about it,
If a girl cry her heart out 2 you,
And all because of you,
Its time to look back on wat u have done,
Only you will know the answer to it.
Do consider it,
Coz one day,
It may be too late for regrets,
It may be too late to say "im sorry".

To my friends...
Ponder this message seriously.
Dont do dis to a girl,
You may regret for the rest of your life.
Maybe in your life, she's the onli one that love YOU the most.
Remember this lesson.

I got this from Friendster. HAH!! I know IT DOES NOT HAPPEN!! IT DOES NOT HAPPEN!!!

~Jezsiema

^O^

2005-03-26T10:39:00.000+08:00

Current Mood (as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: red
Current Music: Makin Aku Cinta (Krisdayanti and Anang)
Current Annoyance: sleepy
Current Obsession: ...

Damn, sleeping last night was the worst ever! It was the most confusing dreams in my entire life thus, I didn't sleep properly. I think I should get bedtime lotion to keep me calm. I don't know what is wrong with me nowadays. I get tired very easily and I get chest pains so often. I should take more Vitamin C as Sylvia often tell me to do. =/

Oh yeah, I am going to see them today! I am going to forget the pain! Hmm... More likely, pretend the pain is not there.

I think I better not blog too much. My eyes are giving way! Haha! SLEEPY! And I got class at 2 pm! What a bummer. Oh well...

~Jezsiema

Paternal Side of the Family? Worth it or not? =/

2005-03-26T00:03:00.000+08:00

Current Mood (as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: red
Current Music: Viva Forever (Spice Girls)
Current Annoyance: headache, still...
Current Obsession: ~currently unavailable~

I know, I am supposed to be sleeping now. Amer should not know I am still awake as I appear to be asleep. He will grumble at me. That is the main cause of my chest pain. I don't rest enough. All the more reason for me to love him. I don't mind the grumbling but then well, something else hurts me. I was thinking about something and well it pretty ironic! Check this out.

Azy and I just knew we were cousins only recently and... she is helping me a lot with a lot of things. She made me see things from a different perspective. She even helped me regarding of *someone* without harming our relationship even as friends.

Fiena and I knew each other like forever and guess what? That girl is a mother fucking bitch who goes for ONE NIGHT STANDS. Believe it or not. Yes, it is TRUE. Oh well. I am through with her. I am not going to go into details because some people who reads this blog may eventually hunt the bitch down and may have the mens rea and actus reus to cause GBH (grievous bodily harm) upon her. Oh well... Guys, calm down. Let's not deal with things the harsh way. She will get her payment someday.

But, with Fiena, there are a couple of sentences I will NEVER forget. If memory served me well it was, "Ja, you are the strongest person I've ever known... that is why I admire you..." MY FOOT and this, "Honestly, Ja, I am jealous of you. You are prettier than me... you are stronger than me..." Girl, that was 4 years ago. You told me that to raise my confidence in myself. Now, I don't need anyone to tell me what to do. I may look and act like I don't know how to differenciate what is A and what is B but now I take one step closer to my own life and to understand life. Don't live in a lie, Girl. I mean, you lie to people saying you are engaged! *snorts* If you were engaged, how come the family didn't know? Embok Zai and I were talking about it and she said if you did get engaged, Nek Udak will make a big huha about it which she is not... How come Tok Yak is not boosting about it? How come Uncle Dollah is not excited about it? Hello? Look at the other side of the mirror. You might eventually fake your own death! Haha! I know I am cruel but do I look like I care for you? What you did to me, Girl. I hadn't quite forgiven you. I said I did but not 100%. I never forgot about what you've did to me... You said you wanted to help me but instead you tortured me. Embok Zai told me NOT to let you know about anything anymore. That was my mistake years ago. Abah is angry at me for I keep my grudge against you. I don't care. He does not know the truth. If he did? How? You can be considered to have sinned against me. Thank you for making me hate you. Thank you making me proud towards you. Look, if Azy can truly understand me even when knowing me for a couple of days and help me a lot... why did you torture me when I knew you all my life? Azy is my cousin and yours, too. Yet, I can see the gab there.

Basically, because of these kinds of apples in the basket, I have no respect for some of Abah's side of the family. I dare say that because for 21 years of living with those wolves underneath sheeps skin is enough to torture me. I think they don't really trust us because Abah married a Chinese woman. Was that it? Well, open up your minds. Open up your eyes! Wake up and smell the coffee... if Abah was matchmade with some of those Sharifahs, I think, Abah would be tortured.

As I think about it, I am also a part of the clan. In order to let the bloodline live, I need to look for a Wan or a Syed. Well, at the rate I am going, I think I might as well disappoint and make Abah's side of the family hate me. So what if I marry someone who is not of the clan? It is entirely up to me! Whoa. Bloodlines are... hmm... *grins* Nah, I am not going to get my ass there now. You know, it occured to me. My clan are snobbish! Why? Well, some of us who is narrow-minded that is... hmm... why? Well, it is simple. They tend to think that they are high and mighty! Hello! If you were, why are you not ruling any states? Why are you still human? Why are you... worthless? Mummy told me today that, they are jealous of Abah's achievement. Abah, as he is, is NOT snobbish. He is one of those people who still go to the marketplace and buy fish, meat and so forth. Plus, Abah is such a generous person. So, it makes me a pushover as well. HEY! I didn't mean it that way! Abah is way too nice but stern. I got that from him. I can be a major pushover. I can be too nice but I am NOT stern enough. As Mummy said, they are jealous. They only look for Abah when they are in need of help and money. I hate it. And they forget him when they are at ease! Such hypocrites!

Ho, well... I am done with my rantings. I am not angry but I am just upset to hear that my own father's relative... his side of the family is doing such shit to him and yet he takes it very coolly. Abah is too nice... and that is the way, I as one of his daughters love him. He is nice, down-to-Earth and forgiving. I wish I can be like him in every way but I am more of a rebelious person. I can be down-to-Earth but the thing about me is, I don't forgive too easily. Well, the terms like father like daughter does not apply here, huh? ;) Oh well. I love my father, I love my name and the title he gave me but it is some of his relative which made me look at the wrong perspective. I learn everyday. Then, after meeting a few people like Abang Hap, Abang Adi, Embok Zai, Embok Azy, Abang Ahim, Ami Zen, Ami Zain and some of those nice relatives, I learn that not because of a couple of bad apples, the whole basket goes to waste. Yes... that is the way I should think about it all...

Now, I am done. All my rantings had gone away! :) I need to go to sleep. I don't want someone to grumble. Well, it is all part of life. Life is mysterious but still pretty like the roses.

I love all of you... This happened to be written in an emotional manner. Haha! Right... I spoke of Abah's side. Wait till you hear Mummy's side! There is a HUGE DIFFERENCE! Trust me.

~Jezsiema

TITLE-LESS

2005-03-25T18:29:00.000+08:00

Current Mood (as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: purple
Current Music: Hati Ini Telah Dilukai (Krisdayanti and Ajai)
Current Annoyance: headache... T_T
Current Obsession: ... nothing ...

Gosh, my chest hurts again. Hmm... I don't want to talk about it in IRC. I end up worrying them. Oh well, I think I better rest more now. I cannot afford to get sick at a time so crucial. I know that Amer will tell me off about not getting enough rest. After the debate last night, I think I better listen to him. I mean, he is correct. But like me, do I look like I care about myself? HAHA! Anyway, I think I should listen to him... for once. I had been very stubborn.

Oh MY GOD! I am tired! I will blog later. I have to go off for the moment. I want to talk and talk and talk...

~Jezsiema

Life without a Title

2005-03-25T11:22:00.000+08:00

Current Mood (as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: blue
Current Music: I'll Stand By You by Girls Aloud (again!)
Current Annoyance: headache... T_T
Current Obsession: sleep

Oh God... I woke up this morning... feeling quite headachy but not as bad as last night. If I was in one of my most STUPIDIEST MOODS, I would have jumped into the Sarawak River. You know, apparently, the thought of water makes me happy. I don't know why but it keeps me calm. Nowadays, I noticed, I have been associating life and love with a lot of things like roses and now, water or the ocean. You see, with roses... Roses are beautiful just like life and love... but there thorns will prick you and hurt you just like love and life. The ocean has two sides:- the calmness and the roaring seas. There are time when the ocean is so peaceful and so full of tranquility... but... when the ocean gets wavy there is so much violence. It was just food for thought...

"Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart."

"When you say words a lot they don't mean anything. Or maybe they don't mean anything anyway, and we just think they do."

If you think about it... yes, those words are true! :) I don't know what is up with me. Lately, I am in one of my weird poetic moods which can be overwhelmingly SICKENING! My away message in #eacan is:- hast this heart shattered into a million flaws, within my flesh the raven buries its claws, the blood flowing out from my skin was bitter, cold and sore, But the raven cries "NEVERMORE"... Oh well... I can't help it, I guess. I think I've read too much of Sir Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven! Currently, I am looking for Gothic and dark poems.

Hmm... I found another nice quote. Hehe...

"A dark mirror. Imagine that you woke in the night and rose, and seemed to see before you another person whom you slowly perceived to be yourself. Someone had entered in the night and placed a mirror in your sleeping place, made from a black metal. You had been frightened only of your reflection. But then the reflection slowly raised one hand, while your own stayed still....A dark mirror....That was always the intention..."

"Death is before me today:
Like the recovery of a sick man,
Like going forth into a garden after sickness

Death is before me today:
Like the odor of myrrh,
Like sitting under a sail in a good wind.

Death is before me today:
Like the course of a stream
Like the return of a man from the war-galley to his house.

Death is before me today:
Like the home that a man longs to see,
After years spent as a captive."

Gosh, even after almost 3 years My December (Linkin Park) still sounds very mesmerizing! Actually, just the other day, I downloaded Josh Groban's version. Not too bad! :) It is lovely but of course Linkin Park's version is best! Chester's voice brought in the solemness of the song.

There are so many songs which have beautiful meanings to it. One of it happened to be Vincent (Starry, Starry Night) by Don McLean. The lyrics is actually for Vincent Van Gogh. I think I did blog about this once but I didn't write it out properly. Honestly, I love this part of the whole song, "And when no hope was left inside, On that starry, starry night, You took your life as lovers often do, But I could have told you Vincent, This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you." From the sounds of it, the poor artist was misunderstood.

Oh my God, Jerome sent something to my e-mail! Hahaha! And when I open it up, I see Yoda drinking a can of coke! Sequential Pictures is the culprit! Hahaha!! At least there is something to lighten me up today. I can forget my headache! :) *sighs*

Anyway, John Constantine... Haha... :) Hmm... Keanu Reeves did a great job! Hehe... cute... :) I am talking about from one topic to another. Anyway, since I am also on hunts for quotes... I might as well talk about it... hahaha... Cryst and I absolutely love this quote from Finding Neverland:- "Just a dog? Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's just a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, "He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man," or "That's not a diamond, it's just a rock." Just." The accent is *drools*... Johnny Depp is HOT! Okay, Cryst, he is yours. Mine is still Brad Pitt! *grins* Well, the movie itself has its lovely concept. It is basically all about using your imagination. Hold on, another nice one:-

J.M. Barrie: [discussing Sylvia's reluctance to accept her illness] You can't go on just pretending.
Sylvia Llewelyn Davies: Just pretending? You brought pretending into this family, James. You taught us that we can change things just by believing them to be different.
J.M. Barrie: Some things, Sylvia. Not everything.
Sylvia Llewelyn Davies: But the things that matter. We've pretended for some time now that you're a part of this family, haven't we? You've come to mean so much to us all that now, it doesn't matter if it's true. And even if it isn't true, even if that can never be... I need to go on pretending... until the end... with you.

Hmm... Hehe...! :) It is inspiring! That is the word I was looking for... INSPIRING. Oh well, I think I better stop here for now before I start posting more quotes. Hahaha... Eh...? I didn't talk about my latest obsession! :)

Sandman! :) Nick and I have been exchanging quotes since yesterday! :) Hehe. I hope I can get more pictures of Death from him! I absolutely loves her! She is a Goth looking lady who QUOTES MARY POPPINS!!! Well, she is Death but she is NOT what most of us imagine her to be... the skeletal reaper... She is human being. She is awesome. Oh well, anyone, if you have any information about Sandman, please contact me. Thanks! :)

Now, I can go... can I? I will blog later.

~Jezsiema

Happy Easter!!!

2005-03-25T00:20:00.000+08:00

Status: enlightened =D
Song: Always - Bon Jovi <33
Loving: erm... a certain person whom Joyce labels as 'Mr. Nobody'.. kekeke... -=sepet=-
Stuff:

hehehe...first of all, joyce, how was sepet? nice right? so romantik!! KANG MUST WATCH this movie and also Hitch! =D *hint hint* and i shall be free from my free consultation!! ahakz... j/k! =D

oh well, went out with Juan and Jamie yesterday to do Sociology (Jamie was in school.. so we went out for lunch and dragged her along!) at the Mall (what a place eh...)! it was fun, despite the noise! =D hahaha... new place to hang out and do hwk! ahaks! not a bad atmosphere actually, as long as u block all the noise! ;) Met up with Grace and Tim and whee..TIM IS SO DARN TALL!!! arghh.. like Juan, i felt like a dwarf! =| went to watch Hitch! it was SOOOOoooo HILLARIOUS!! hehehe.. i lurve that movie!! it's always abt women matchmakers or wedding planners or everything like that...but this is one movie you should watch.

women are NOT always very choosy you know. it's just that we think alike! hahaha... when a guy goes to much, we say he is easy and well, a player. when he does too little, we say he is a cheapskate... ain't THAT true? ahakz!!! but the best part of the movie (as usual, i lurve spoiling it for you...so skip this part...) is when the albert bernaman guy kissed will smith - the you go 90% and i will go 10%! - hhahaha... that was so nonsense! =D truly a must watch... even if you have watched this movie, there's no harm in watching it again! will smith is really SMOOTH in this movie... guys, learn from him..and don't use the lame pick up line the guy in the bar use to pick up Sara.. the "I'm sorry, but you look a lot like my next girlfriend..."! guys, use that on us, you shall get a slap on the face! mwahhahaah...

anyway, managed to do quite a bit yesterday...hehehe.. most of the time my phone was switched off. so, sorry if i din reply, get ur msg or miss call u back. =D plus, trying to save my credit (it's ALMOST dead) and well, my parents were getting furious at me..coz my phone kept on ringing. bleh... oh well...

today, went out with Juan for lunch (AGAIN) and to do socio with her and Maths with Kang. lolz... at the MALL! yeap... and well, did quite a bit of work (Kang didn't!! my laptop attracted him TOO much!! sad~). someone was TOO busy buaya-ing a certain girl from ISB who was wearing a jeans and red top with thin white horizontal stripes. ah huh... i didn't get to see her face but yeah...who cares? *going green*

after hwk... met Fei at coffeebean, and then hung out at coffeebean doing nonsense online and talking nonsense and waiting for my slow roast chicken gourmet sandwich which cost me a fortune.. and oh yes, where ever there's sharon and kang, there's always a battle of words. =D and to think that Fei didn't realise he was gone! hahahaa... here's a tip to everyone, next time, if we do go out together, if both kang and i are there, if theres sudden peace that means either one of us have left the room!!! hahahaha... but it's nice to have unlimited FREE internet access!! larp YOU!!! =D oh well..gonna stay away from Coffeebean now! yumm..i still can taste the Norwegian Smoked Salmon sandwich!! yummmmmy!! kekekeke...

warning... the next bit until the end MIGHT be a bit sensitive to some people... dun say i didn't warn YOU!

went home to shower and went straight to church for service. sigh~ i miss the service in Kuching. usually on Maundy Thursday (that's the day before Good Friday where we commemorate the Last Supper and Jesus' arrest), the Cathedral (or the main church) in Kuching will be filled until there's no where to sit, you have to go to the chapel or outside or the parish hall and follow the service through TV. and the Ladies' Chapel (Ladies meaning it is to commemorate the Virgin Mary) will be beautifully decorated with plants and the whole chapel is transformed into a garden like place in remembrance of Jesus' arrest in the Garden of Gethsemane. in Kuching, after the service, which will end around 7.30 to 8pm, there's will be a wake through out the whole night! yeap... and outside, in the main church hall...it will be total darkness with bats flying around and candles litted up and well, there's nothing else. the altar will be stripped and washed and stuff.

in the morning of Good Friday, there'll be a said liturgy service to commemorate what happened in the early morning on that one Friday more than 2000 years ago. then the second service, the one i go to since i was 6 (!!), the Veneration of the cross. there will be no singing of any hymns at all, but the psalm will be read and the Passion of Christ will be read, either from the Gospel of Matthew or Luke. the Veneration of the cross, the most symbolic event of the service. what is it exactly? well, a deacon will bring a large cross from the east entrance of the church (note that the main entrance of almost every Anglican church faces the East or rather, Jerusalem) right after the reading of the Passion. he will shout out some words (i forgot what are they..heheh) and when he reaches the end of the aisle, he will stop and then, put the cross on a table drapped with white cloth and blesses the cross with the incense. then, he will kiss the foot of the cross and the servers will follow suit, continued by the choir, and then congregation and lastly the clergy (priest)...with the highest ranked being the last. really, if you ever have a chance to go to Kuching during the Holy week... you should really attend this service. it will be a really solemn service, some even cry when the Passion is read, you can just kneel in front of the cross, bow, kiss the foot of the cross or like some, the just walk pass it, but i've seen life transformation there and then. just imagine being there at that time, when everyone condemned Jesus and demanded that the authorities release a notorious criminal, Barnabas.

after that service, at 12pm, it will be the station of the cross, where the congregation goes round the large church compound to 12 different posts and at every post there will be a picture of what happened throughout the whole ordeal, from the arrest, and the last post is in front of the church, in front of the cross with Jesus hung on and yeeah... it is so cool! under the hot sun, you against hundreds of people, you are sweating, they are sweating, you see umbrellas around, but everyone is there for a reason!! sigh...and the day ends with evensong. but you will end the day fully energised (except my dad..coz he conducted all the 4 services and the station of the cross) despite the fact that you are fasting the whole day! =D

on easter eve, the main church hall will be fully transformed, from one solemn one to a very very..wow.. there's flowers at every corner. my favourite is still the one behind the altar table! it's so huge and it's so NICE!!! hehehe...and there will be some figurines at the corner of the choir area, where they depicted the tomb. on easter eve it will be closed. =D and the best part of the service is the bringing of the pascal candle (a huge candle with 5 incense stuck on it, showing the wounds on Jesus hands, feet and side). the deacon, again, will bring it in from the back, saying the 'Light of Christ'. as the church will be in total darkness, the only source of light is from the candle. and when he goes to every 3 or 5 steps and say those words, the light will be switched on. when it reaches the preaching area, he will place it up there and the choir will sing the latent (it's really a cool chant sort of thing and i love it!). then, after the sermon, you will renew your baptismal vows. it is so powerful, really! and if you wanna experience this, SAC is doing it but it's not as nice... heheheh... coz they dont sing the latent. =[

easter morning is the best! the figurines will be different, the tomb opened, more candles and flowers around the church. it's so wow!!! and the service will be full of hymns, sung liturgy, erm... anthems..and i did Handle Messiah's Hallelujah (the one which goes...'Hallelujah...Hallelujah...' etc etc) one Easter (i think i was in Pri 3 then...yeap). and it took us since christmas the previous yr to learn that one anthem! BUT it's a COOL song (you have to go up to A#!!! and i was still a kid and they just had to put me in the soprano part!!)... sigh...i really miss the atmosphere there. it's so traditional, yet it's as powerful as the modern ways!!! sorry lar... there's somethings traditional that should be kept practised and i grew up in a VERY traditional church! hehehehe...

but the best thing, besides the commemoration of what happened and well, the whole deal about Easter, is the bells!! it's so wonderful to hear them ringing. for different seasons, they will play different tunes! easter and Christmas is the best and during weddings, it's just sooo wow... there's no words to describe the sound. and it's not the electronic thingie that hv bells sounds. trhe cathedral have i think 5 or 7 bells, all in different notes, and the person manning the bells have to learn how to ring them in the bell tower. when it rings, it sort of bring me to another place...like in the UK or sth..when the bells ring! it's just so remarkable...

but then again, although the experience in Kuching and Brunei is so much different, i am as grateful. it doesnt matter where you are or how you do it, right? the main reason is to worship Him! Amen? yeah!!

sigh..all those nostalgic memories of Easter. i still can remember going around the church hunting for easter eggs in sunday school!! hheheh...and painting and decorating the hard boiled eggs and hehehe...giving them to the kids on my last year in Kuching when i was in Primary 6!! the look on the kids faces, they just put a smile on my face, when i was a bit down, coz somehow i knew that will be my last Easter in Kuching.. for a long time!!! =D miss those times.

plus, i get loved by a lot of pppl... hehehehe... they give me sweets, chocolates and candies and stuffs... hehehe..what can i say? i get pampered a lot coz i was the youngest in the choir! (and the cutest one too... mwahahha!! j/k)

oh well, am i boring you? sorry~ but i cant keep it to myself!! it's too good to be true that He died for me! =D LURVE HIM!!! =D

anyway, i'm just hooked to this song right now... =D

Have you ever? - Brandy

Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes u cry
Have u ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start

Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes u cry
Have u ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever found the one you've dreamed of all your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for that day when they will care

Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes u cry
Have u ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right

Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes u cry
Have u ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right
Have you ever ever ever...
Have you ever...

HAPPY EASTER TO ONE AND ALL

What Good Is A Title?

2005-03-24T20:21:00.001+08:00

Current Mood (as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: blue
Current Music: I'll Stand By You by Girls Aloud
Current Annoyance: headache... T_T
Current Obsession: sleep...

I am listening to a song originally by The Pretenders. It is a lovely song actually. I will put in the lyrics. Hehe. Oh well... I am currently looking for more nice sweet songs. Yeah, to be dedicated to *someone*. MY JOHN CONSTANTINE! HAHAHA! :)

Oh, Why You Look So Sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through’cause I’ve seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don’t know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

So if you’re mad, get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I’m a lot like you
When you’re standing at the crossroads
And don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along’cause even if you’re wrong

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you

And when...
When the night falls on you, baby
You’re feeling all alone
You won’t be on your own

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you

I’ll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I’ll never desert you
I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you

A New Obsession... (had always been)

2005-03-24T08:46:00.000+08:00

Current Mood (as according to Benrik): so-so
Current Colour: blue
Current Music: Viva Forever by Spice Girls
Current Annoyance: my chest pain
Current Obsession: DC/Vertigo characters...

I am feeling sick again. It feels like someone is twisting the insides of my chest. But it would all go away. I don't mind. It won't stay long. I think it is all due to me for not eating very much nowadays. There is too much air in my body... It is not good but I cannot force myself to eat when I don't want to, right? If I do force myself, somehow the only thing that would happen is me vomitting.

Hmm... I was in Straight To Hell: A Hell Blazer Site. And guess what! John Constantine's hair is BLONDE! Yeah, his hair is not black! Hehe. The other DC/Vertigo characters I like as well are the Endless of the Sandman. Unfortunately, Sandman has no proper site. Oh well... :)

Nowadays, I don't have the mood to blog about anything... most of all, I'd rather keep things to myself or share it with people I truly trust. Hmm...

However, it occured to me what Cryst told Jonathan was true. I do have different sides. In person, I am very bubbly and insanely happy and hyper. By writing or blogging, I show my inner self. I don't know why I find it hard to tell the truth about my emotions. Haha! But it is okay, I am used to it. To release my bubbly side I need company. I am not happy for no reason. I am only happy when I have someone to talk to and laugh with.

I think I will blog later. I need to force myself to eat. I cannot go on this way! =_= Azy would kill me if I told her that I didn't eat...

~Jezsiema

~The Bed of Roses~

DAMN!

Interesting :)

New Outlay! I NEED IT!

It Breaks My Heart :(

~The Return of Fireball 1988~

Due to My Snoozing Brain

What The -?

It's Been A While....?

Yet Another Cool Bro!

Lost?

~Of A Cool Brother~

SPOILT BRATS!

blame the high-ness...

AH!

BlogSkin? To Get Or To Make?

WELCOME BACK TO BLOGSPOT

Out of Boredom

Haunting

Back from Missing In Action~

Ice Berg (as written in PGX)

Tell Me Something I Don't Know

Thoughts...

Random Thoughts~

Wahey!!

Little Some Things ;)

Being High or Inspontaneously Honest?

Surprises Can Cause Heart Attacks

On Racism

Stuff...

I must have slipped my mind!

Friendship and Humanity

Muehehe...

Marriages...

Expectations? Hmm...

In this mind...

The Sarawakian Dialect

Rants? Think about it~!

reDAMNtion

Thoughts...

Deep Within My Thought and More...

This Week... Weird and Funny but *nostrils start to flare*

Family Values~ and the Law...

"Me? A Princess? *Rolls on the floor laughing!*" and other thoughts~

Hmm... thoughts...

Another Thought...

"Let's just say, I have issues with myself and the world!"

Just another one of those boring moments...

For You (You should know who you are!)

The Right Friends ~ A Blessing

Suicidal? A THOUGHT...

Getting To Know You :)

Flattering myself!! Ehehe...

Rants

Akaka... My Baby Nec

In Dreams...

Hmmm... Thinking about it... :(

AH!

Grrr...

More Bad Luck, eh? =_="

*sings Hotel California*

This Unfortunate Soul Whines

Gosh~!

Stealing Bone

Oh... My... Gawd!!! *imagine the way I said it*

Rather colourful! :)

This Morning... NOTHING! X(

Today's Story...

What the....? Hehehe!! *MOOD SWINGING*

Bed of Roses? =/ Hmm... and other stuff!

Interesting Quotes...

The whole watermelon incident... and other stuff...

Bitchin' and Whinin'

At 2.30 am, these thoughts linger... in pain...

Today... What the-? *rolls on the floor laughing*

Hmm... Something I have been thinking about lately.

Hmm.... *ponders*ponders*

The Total Eclipse of the Heart

Today's Report of the Law Students 2005

Looking like a Gypsy won't help me... ok?

This Week... Weird and Funny but nostrils start to flare

"Me? A Princess? Rolls on the floor laughing!" and other thoughts~

sings Hotel California

Oh... My... Gawd!!! imagine the way I said it

What the....? Hehehe!! MOOD SWINGING

Today... What the-? rolls on the floor laughing

Hmm.... pondersponders*